Stimulants Cure Depression

k57d42dykhry

I’ll keep this short. Sorry for always taking so much of your time.

My mornings are always rough, sometimes it lasts, sometimes it does. By early evening I am always fine, often after 10:00am I am fine. Today has been rough, but I think I am doing okay now. But i don’t know, i usually don’t worry about my mood when i feel like i am doing good.

Medication isn’t going to fix everything, maybe it has done all it can. But every single day I start off with 100lbs weight around my neck. Everything is more difficult. I am more absent, in my head, it seems like I have to force myself to do anything.

Dan and I are moving to a new state, a new life in just a few months. I am better than I have ever been, but I hope medication can do just a pinch more. I guess the move has me scared about all this. I dont know when I’ll find a doctor and if they will be as competition as you.

Vyvanse does worry me, but starting every single day of the rest of my life like this also scares me. I just read that Nuvigil takes a few hours to get into your system, but Provigil, not being extended release seems to have an impact sooner. Maybe that is worth looking into. Or maybe a very small responsible amount of Vyvanse.

This is long again. I am sorry. I am trying. Thank you for everything. Sorry about the email last week, when down it is extremely hard to actually talk to someone, to socialize in any form.

Sorry, this isn’t short. I’ll see you in a week. Sorry for taking more of your time.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Stimulants Cure Depression

You are never enough

Right now I feel guilty. My morning has started off slow.

I woke up late, 9am, and have done nothing. I watched some TV and played video games for several hours. I often do this on weekends while waiting for Nuvigil to kick in.

My psychiatrist has me taking half a pill of Nuvigil in the morning and half in the afternoon. After a few hours and still feeling like Nuvigil hadn’t kicked in I took a fourth a pill, meaning I have about 190mg in my system.

I often wonder if I am enjoying something or simply passing time. TV, video games, I think I enjoy. But this morning felt more like passing time. Relaxing, yeah, but not sure about it being more than that, not sure about enjoyment.

Guilt, I always feel guilty. Having done nothing all morning is unfortunate. I expect myself to be more productive with my time, I’m always a disappointment. Honestly, there isn’t really much I need to do, house is clean, worked out, did some budgetting yesterday, but still guilty.

Finally I made myself get up and on the computer. I figured I’d find something to do slightly less guilt inducing. Hopefully blogging counts.

But guilt? I am always guilty. There is always something better to do. This isn’t something I only believe for myself, I believe it for mankind. I am never enough. You are never enough.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 1pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

cap1904

You are never enough

Are you suicidal?

Are you suicidal? Are you? No?

You feel sad. Are you sad? Is that anxiety. Oh no, god no. Not anxiety, it comes from nowhere. Maybe that is normal stress.

Are you anxious? Please, stop thinking that.

It is so hard to stop thinking that. But you can.

Or not. Death would be nice.

Maybe you should kill yourself.

No! You know that isn’t true.

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Depression is exhausting. It has been a bad few weeks since tappering off Seroquel. I gained so much weight on it. I’ve stayed the same weight since fifteen. Not any more, I gained 40lbs in roughly three months. Even though we knew Seroquel helped tremendously, I wanted to try something new.

I’m on Abilify now. Hopefully it starts working in the next few weeks. If not, I’m absolutely going back to Seroquel. Sigh. If I do, I won’t die from this depression. I’ll die from being a fat fat fat gross fuck.

Fuck.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

Are you suicidal?