Medication solves depression

nwdlfse37ftwgupvi7d0zwcx8szlcfftynml2wnvyyaThis page has been blank for at least ten minutes. I am at a coffee shop. In a past life, before my depression consumed everything, I frequently dropped into a bunch of different local coffee shops. It is nice to get out of the house, work on whatever and people watch.

Of course, in the last few months before I entirely went off Adderall I rarely left the house other than for work. At work I was scared much of the time, a low level of panic throughout every day — all day. I feared social interaction, going to sleep, eating out, everything. The anxiety poisoned everything.

I’m fairly confident I’ve always operated in a state of mild anxiety. I know my first suicidal thoughts were in third grade. I relished the thought of the teacher telling everyone. The students would look shocked, some would cry, the boy who was mean to me would know it was his fault. Killing myself would solve so much.

At thirteen I began to grapple with my sexuality. Always, always had I been attracted to boys, to my friends. In fourth and fifth grade I’d play with myself while imagining my friends and I all  wrestling and rolling around naked. I didn’t know why I liked it, maybe I just want to check if I looked normal.

Growing up conservative I knew about the homosexuals. Perverts. Pedophiles. ——

You know what. Never mind. I want to explain why I am this way. I want to justify it. Tragic childhood. Self-hatred. Blah, blah, blah.

However, when I crash, when I want to die, taking a walk doesn’t pull me out of. Neither does going for a drive, or writing about it. Spending time with friends or having a dog also doesn’t interrupt my suicidal thoughts.

Telling myself my thoughts are just words, doesn’t help. Singing my suicidal thoughts to make them sound ridiculous, that is ridiculous. The thoughts still persist.

The desire to kill oneself isn’t rational. Even in those moments, the lowest of the low, when I am curled up into a ball screaming in my head to spray my brains on the wall, I know those thoughts aren’t rational. To some degree I’m aware I don’t want to die, even in those moments, it is why I am still here.

I feel fine right now, I’m glad to be at a coffee shop. I don’t feel fine because I got out of my house and went to a coffee shop. No, going out when crashing, terrifying, panic inducing.

Medicine can fix this. It is why Adderall got so out of control, it gave me access to a life I never realized existed. I hate myself, I hate myself because I view myself as a disappointment. And unless I become a tech billionaire and president, I’ll continue to be unsatisfied with my life.

Adderall showed me a life were I wasn’t paralyzed by the constant internal war. Adderall let me experience the world in the moment, it let me ignore my head and concentrate on now. Nuvigil is doing that right now. It goes up and down, part of the day/dose is better than others, parts are still bad.

I’ve always tried to fight this battle, always. There wasn’t a choice, you either fight against the suicidal thoughts or obey them.

The idea that my actions are useless, I hate. Partly because I feel personally responsible for every failure, I love torturing myself with those failures. Inability to function emotionally — failure. But I don’t think it is within my control. Medication is so different than therapeutic tools. Therapeutic tools comfort, to some degree, during those moments of internal warfare.

Medication removes the conflict from erupting, it prevents the war. There is no fight to lose, no carnage. There is just Saturday, me and a coffee shop.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 1pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

Medication solves depression

Are you suicidal?

Are you suicidal? Are you? No?

You feel sad. Are you sad? Is that anxiety. Oh no, god no. Not anxiety, it comes from nowhere. Maybe that is normal stress.

Are you anxious? Please, stop thinking that.

It is so hard to stop thinking that. But you can.

Or not. Death would be nice.

Maybe you should kill yourself.

No! You know that isn’t true.

————————-


Depression is exhausting. It has been a bad few weeks since tappering off Seroquel. I gained so much weight on it. I’ve stayed the same weight since fifteen. Not any more, I gained 40lbs in roughly three months. Even though we knew Seroquel helped tremendously, I wanted to try something new.

I’m on Abilify now. Hopefully it starts working in the next few weeks. If not, I’m absolutely going back to Seroquel. Sigh. If I do, I won’t die from this depression. I’ll die from being a fat fat fat gross fuck.

Fuck.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

Are you suicidal?

Blow your fucking brains out

testing-a-bulletproof-vest-1923I don’t want to write this.

I’m fucking angry. Angry at fucking nothing. Well, that isn’t true. I just want to pretend like it is about nothing. Fuck.

Taking my pills this morning I realized I was out of Nuvigil. Well, other than the 100mg I had left from when I was cutting up pills. I promptly took that. Why? Because I was tired and would have to go to the pharmacy.

Headed over to the pharmacy and picked up my pills. Of course, I took a full 200mg dose. Why? Because I was still tired and feeling off and scared. Fucking scared. Scared of another off day where I can’t escape my desire to end my pointless fucking life. I do nothing. Am nothing. Will accomplish nothing. Fuck. Fuck.

I attempted to run a few hours later, I was feeling anxious. After a mile I was already tired. A year ago I regularly ran ten to fifteen miles a week. Now? I might run once a week, maybe doing four miles. Going off Adderall and on Seroquel, my weight rapidly shot up. I had been the same weight since high school, no more. I went up forty pounds in three fucking month. Now, now I can’t lose it. I can’t because I am a lazy fat fuck. Die.

Today I did three and walked about half of it. Getting home I thought I might beat off. Organisms make me happy, at least for a few seconds.

Oh, I am not that interested in sex because all of the god damn medications I am on. Cumming is often impossible. So many medications, so many because I have to drug myself to make it through every fucking day because I am a fucking worthless fucking piece of shit. Fuck.

I just took more Nuvigil, 50mg or so. Why? I am a weak fucking piece of shit. Jesus Christ.

I want to try drinking, but I won’t. I’ll just sit here and bear this. Trying to remember I don’t always want to blow my fucking brains out. Fuck.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 40mg (new), Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

 

 

Blow your fucking brains out

Begging my Doctor for Provigil

After receiving the results from my clinical evaluation, I sent my psychiatrist an email. The evaluation hit me hard. I ended up begging for Provigil. The text of my email is below.

Hello,

The clinical evaluation confirmed much of what we expected. Bipolar disorder isn’t present, instead Dysthymia, major depression and adhd are.

I’m, I don’t know. The antidepressants I think are helping some, I don’t know. The best part of my day is still the first few hours of Vyvanse, I get to feel alive.

Having read the eval, I am really defeated. Nothing is shocking in this report, it confirms our expectations. I just, I, I am so tired of being sad. Dan deserves more.

The paragraph below I found most depressing, particularly the bold part. It sounds right, and it feels right. My personality makes me unlikely to “experience pleasure in life.” And even if the pills work, none claim to change my personality, to help me experience pleasure. It is so damning.

The patient’s profile was developed using the D (depression), Pt (psychasthenia – fear, anxiety, tension, depression, intruding thoughts, and obsessive-compulsive symptoms); and, Pd (psychopathic deviant – rebellious, non-‐conforming; family problems; impulsive, angry, irritable, and dissatisfied) scales. Patients with this pattern tend to exhibit a pattern of chronic psychological maladjustment. The patient appears to be quite anxious and depressed at this time. He may be feeling some tension and somatic distress along with his psychological problems. He endorsed several items related to suicidal ideation and should be monitored for risk. He indicated a history of impulsive acting-out and substance abuse for which he expressed guilt and remorse. His personality is such that he may have only a small capacity to experience pleasure in life and tends to be pessimistic in outlook. It appears he is experiencing disturbed interpersonal relationships. Patients with this profile are prone to substance use and abuse disorders and all treatments involving medication should be carefully monitored.

I have been Googling about medications, I need, I don’t know, more help. Like, this can’t be it. I hope not.

Provigil is the only thing I find particularly hopeful. It would likely wake me up a bit, give me a bit of energy to get up off the couch. It has been used off label for depression and adhd. It has a lower rate of addiction, it being a category IV and Vyvanse being a category II. Tolerance is much less likely with Provigil, having had studies go as long as three years.

I just, I don’t know. I guess part of me is still hopeful. There must be something else out there, something that can help a bit more.

I am trying really hard, really. I just want to feel alive.

Current Medication: Vyvanse 40mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 80mg

Begging my Doctor for Provigil

Dr: “You’re unlikely to experience pleasure in life”

captain 1911Just read the report from my psychological evaluation that I had done last week. The line I can’t let go, “His personality is such that he may have only a small capacity to experience pleasure in life.”

It feels and sounds true. Yet, reading it, so damning, part of me is devastated. A little of the hope I still have just died.

Below is a section of my psychological evaluation:

Psychological Functioning: The patient completed the MMPI-2, an empirically based measure of personality and psychopathology. His responses suggest that he cooperated with the evaluation enough to provide useful interpretive information and the resulting profile is considered an adequate indication of his present personality functioning.

The patient’s profile was developed using the D (depression), Pt (psychasthenia – fear, anxiety, tension, depression, intruding thoughts, and obsessive-compulsive symptoms); and, Pd (psychopathic deviant – rebellious, non-‐conforming; family problems; impulsive, angry, irritable, and dissatisfied) scales. Patients with this pattern tend to exhibit a pattern of chronic psychological maladjustment.

The patient appears to be quite anxious and depressed at this time. He may be feeling some tension and somatic distress along with his psychological problems. He endorsed several items related to suicidal ideation and should be monitored for risk. He indicated a history of impulsive acting-out and substance abuse for which he expressed guilt and remorse.

His personality is such that he may have only a small capacity to experience pleasure in life and tends to be pessimistic in outlook. It appears he is experiencing disturbed interpersonal relationships. Patients with this profile are prone to substance use and abuse disorders and all treatments involving medication should be carefully monitored.

Dr: “You’re unlikely to experience pleasure in life”

I want to feel alive or be dead

pin boys 1918I don’t want to blog. I don’t want to do anything. Why me? I should be stronger, but I am tired of being strong.

Yesterday I got the results of a full psychological examination I completed. My psychiatrist wanted it due to the difficultly we’ve had successfully treating my depression.

First, allow me to be boastful, I don’t take pride in much, probably a result of me hating myself, however, my IQ is in the 120s. That I am proud of. The actual diagnoses weren’t exactly surprising.

Bipolar disorder, nope. As expected, my psychiatrist and I have been doubting my bipolar diagnoses the past couple months. My manic episodes were a result of my Adderall abuse, not bipolar disorder. My depression is severe, my psychiatrist and I were also aware of this. The clinical psychologist stated that my depression is severe, the test recommended immediate intervention to prevent a suicide attempt. Again, no surprise.

Thankfully, the psychologist and I had chatted before the tests, she was aware that I have never actually been suicidal, I doubt I ever will be. But I do relish the thought of taking my own life on almost a daily basis.

One of the tests involved staring at a black computer screen and clicking the mouse every time a letter other than “X” appeared, every few seconds. The exam was a dull fifteen minutes. The results, 99% chance that I have ADHD. I took this test at 11am, three hours after I had taken 40mg of Vyvanse, meaning Vyvanse was at its peak. I also take Strattera for ADHD. And yet, 99%.

The ADHD results are validating. Maybe that is why I slipped into abusing Adderall, nothing calms my racing thoughts like stimulants do – nothing.

Unfortunately, the results are fairly useless. It confirms our suspicions, maybe I’ll go off some of the bipolar medications. But know what?

Pristiq is helping. I am no longer as concerned about my depression. Like, I the worry and guilt I used to feel about laying around and doing nothing is largely gone. But I still don’t have much desire to live. My emotions are mostly flat and I feel tired much of the day.

Adderall was such a miracle. Suicidal thoughts, gone. Self-hate, replaced by confidence. It gave me a bounce in my step, even when not manic. I am confident that those first two years on Adderall will remain the best years of my life.

Now I am left to piece things together, to tolerate life, to keep going through the motions. Part of my desire to die is due to already feeling dead.

Even this post, do you know how I am accomplishing it? Vyvanse abuse. I opened up one of my 40mg pills and took a third, on top of the 40mg I already took. I’m not remotely high, I wish. But I do have the energy to get up, to shower for the first time in four days and to sit at a computer. I’m not happy. I wish it made me happy. I am a void, nothing, but at least I am functioning.

I just want to feel alive – or be dead.

Current Medication: Vyvanse 40mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 80mg

 

 

I want to feel alive or be dead