Blow your fucking brains out

testing-a-bulletproof-vest-1923I don’t want to write this.

I’m fucking angry. Angry at fucking nothing. Well, that isn’t true. I just want to pretend like it is about nothing. Fuck.

Taking my pills this morning I realized I was out of Nuvigil. Well, other than the 100mg I had left from when I was cutting up pills. I promptly took that. Why? Because I was tired and would have to go to the pharmacy.

Headed over to the pharmacy and picked up my pills. Of course, I took a full 200mg dose. Why? Because I was still tired and feeling off and scared. Fucking scared. Scared of another off day where I can’t escape my desire to end my pointless fucking life. I do nothing. Am nothing. Will accomplish nothing. Fuck. Fuck.

I attempted to run a few hours later, I was feeling anxious. After a mile I was already tired. A year ago I regularly ran ten to fifteen miles a week. Now? I might run once a week, maybe doing four miles. Going off Adderall and on Seroquel, my weight rapidly shot up. I had been the same weight since high school, no more. I went up forty pounds in three fucking month. Now, now I can’t lose it. I can’t because I am a lazy fat fuck. Die.

Today I did three and walked about half of it. Getting home I thought I might beat off. Organisms make me happy, at least for a few seconds.

Oh, I am not that interested in sex because all of the god damn medications I am on. Cumming is often impossible. So many medications, so many because I have to drug myself to make it through every fucking day because I am a fucking worthless fucking piece of shit. Fuck.

I just took more Nuvigil, 50mg or so. Why? I am a weak fucking piece of shit. Jesus Christ.

I want to try drinking, but I won’t. I’ll just sit here and bear this. Trying to remember I don’t always want to blow my fucking brains out. Fuck.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 40mg (new), Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg



Blow your fucking brains out

Nuvigil, ADHD and depression

ay00vjwOn Tuesday my psychiatrist and I decided to up my Nuvigil dose from 150mg to 200mg. Also, I am tapering off of Seroquel since my clinical psychological evaluation diagnosed me with treatment resistant depression, Dysthymia and ADHD – ruling out my bipolar diagnoses.

The main symptom of my depression is apathy. Desire, no. Interest, no. Motivation, no. We are hoping that tapering off Seroquel will give me more energy throughout the day. I’m now using Trazadone 50mg as a sleep aide.

I am more and more aware of how my ADHD contributes to my depression. Nuvigil definitely helps, it is also much much smoother of a release than Vyvanse. However, Nuvigil does start strong and dip during the day for me, and during that dip I become unengaged, bored. It is these periods where my mind wonders into the depressive thoughts. If I not being aided with a stimulant my mind always wanders to the negative.

Stimulants impact dopamine, maybe my depression is caused by low dopamine levels. It would make so much sense. Stimulant based medications work to combat my depression in a way that nothing else has come close.

Of course, I am writing this blog on a day I took more than my prescribed amount of Nuvigil. I cut my last 150mg pill in half and took half on top of my 200mg pill. More is always better. I’m so weak. My psychiatrist even commented that I will likely be asking for an increased dose of Nuvigil in two weeks. That I tend to seek the maximum dose. I concurred. But I seek the maximum because more helps more.

Although, maybe I am just trying to justify past abuse of stimulants and current prescription for Nuvigil. I don’t know. I never know.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 100mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg


Nuvigil, ADHD and depression

What meds do you take? I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow…

CaptureI’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, depression and bipolar disorder. Recently we’ve been wondering if I have severe depression and I’m not actually bipolar. My medication cocktail is still not right.

Previous: Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 1800mg, Strattera 80mg, Effexor 150mg, Prozac 30mg, Cymbalta 60mg

Currently: Vyvanse 30mg, Lamictal 200mg, Seroquel XR 300mg, Strattera 80mg, Pristiq 100mg

There are so many meds out there, I can’t keep track.

What is your diagnoses? What medications do you take?

What meds do you take? I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow…

Not Dead, Not Alive


Depression, well, complete apathy is now my go to state. It is why I suddenly stopped blogging, I don’t care about anything. I get a few hours, four to six, each morning, at the start of Vyvanse, to function. Vyvanse gets me up, it doesn’t give me emotion, but it does give me an ability to do things, things that I don’t care about when it wears off.

I am scared, I’ve pushed my doctor to let me take two doses, I am taking 30mg now. I have no desire to go up to 40mg, I rather take 20mg in the morning and 20mg in the afternoon. She has resisted, saying it isn’t a real solution, I am once again relying on stimulants to combat my depression. She wants a more permanent solution.

Although, I am not sure it wouldn’t be permanent. I guess inevitably we would have to increase the dose. But if we could find a medication that let me desire, that let me feel alive, I don’t think I would care so much about stimulants. Sigh, I don’t know.

So, instead, we are trying another antidepressant, third one in four weeks. She suggested Effexor or Pristiq. I’ve been on Effexor, it didn’t seem too effective, but it is hard to tell since I was abusing Adderall. It definitely helped at first. So I went with Pristiq, it is actually cheaper with my insurance and we schedule an appointment two weeks out.

It kills me. She could provided me more Vyvanse and make tomorrow better, right away. Yes, it would probably fade after a few weeks, but we could use that time to find something better. I understand her fear, I have a clear history of abusing stimulants. But god, I’d love to have a good week or two.

Below is an email my partner, Dan, wrote to my psychiatrist. I asked him to write it, I wanted her to have his perspective. He is a better writer than I am. He captures perfectly the prison of nothingness I find myself in.

Dan’s email:

TooPolar asked me to reach out in advance of his appointment today to offer my perspective on how he is doing.

First, let me say that he is doing so much better. Thank you for that. He is doing so much better but he is still a shell of a person. He’ll tell you this but I think he’ll tell you it for very different reasons.

TooPolar thinks he has so much further to go because he wants more hours of being productive. In my eyes that is, if anything, a symptom of the larger problem. He has still not regained the ability to actually care about anything.

At this point he still doesn’t get excited about anything, doesn’t look forward to anything and isn’t passionate about anything. I don’t know if it’s a matter of the Seroquel always adding a layer of tired over everything or because he spent years using Adderall to trigger mania in lieu of ordinary caring and has fried his dopamine receptors as a result.

He keeps pointing to the Vyvnase and thinking the key is finding ways to extend that because it covers up his lack of caring. He worries that he can’t find motivation and wants to just throw on more external motivation, but I think the missing piece is that in order to motivate himself he needs to be able to summon up some interest in things. He wants these meds to push him to achieve more because when nothing matters to him, the achievement is still something he can point to and say that it matters.

To me, the problem isn’t achievement. It is still that he has lost the ability to care about anything. Once Vyvanse starts to wear off, he just sits around playing video games he doesn’t really care about or enjoy, and passes the time until he can sleep. He’ll do things like exercise, because they are things he has to do (although it feels like he is only exercising out of hate for his body and so that he can spitefully say endorphins don’t work for him and that only drugs work), but he doesn’t look forward to anything, won’t make plans, dreads anything he has to do and suffers through it when he has to do something like hang out with his friends.

I don’t really know how to describe it, but there is a way that people light up when they talk about things they care about. TooPolar doesn’t have that light anymore. I think if he had it, he wouldn’t care so much about getting a drug to motivate himself, because he would be okay when he wasn’t motivated and he’d be more able to motivate himself. Right now, though, when the Vyvanse is done, there is nothing left that matters to him. He’s just passing time.

Thank you for everything you are doing for TooPolar. I know that he can be difficult and frustrating and I really appreciate the care and patience you are showing with him.

Current Medication: Vyvanse 30mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 300mg, Strattera 80mg

Not Dead, Not Alive

Hate, Apathy and Panic

kazans_panic_in_the_street_trailer_screenshot_28829It just sits here, waiting. Always waiting.

Seroquel XR actually works. At 600mg it made a real difference. I experienced contentment, calm contentment. Of course, that can’t last.

Due to the severe reaction I had, my dose was cut in half. My psychiatrist is out of town. My doctor and I are trying to bide time until my pshycatrist gets back on Tuesday. I received a steroid shot, epinephrine shot and a steroid prescription. We decided to half my Seroquel dose, hoping I can make it until Tuesdau without hives. 


That calm feeling I got from 600mg of Seroquel is gone. I awoke in a mild state of panic. This is my operating state without medication. The panic leads to apathy.


No matter what I do, the panic, the anxiety just sits there. It isn’t distractable. Sure, I can call my mom and catch up. Every pause in the conversation, my mind runs through insecurities, past mistakes and worries, thoughts that make sense with my anxious mood.

Trapped. It doesn’t matter what I do, panic follows. Therefore, hopelessness and apathy set in. I try to fight, I always do. Today I made breakfast for Dan and I, called my mother, went to the gym, did some grocery shopping, none of it mattered – panic always followed.

I just took Seroquel, 300mg, an hour or two early, I just want relief.

And that is it. I want to read back through this blog, give it clear direction and all that. But I am too apathetic. I just don’t give a fuck about it, about anything. I am going to go cook some shitty frozen dinner and have a beer. No wonder why my body has gone to shit over the last year.

Dan went to hang out with a friend. I wish I had friends. I asked if I could tag along, even though it is a friend I don’t get along with, I just didn’t want to be alone. I know this all overwhelms him. But he is so lucky. I wish I could take a few hour break from my depression horse shit and go hang out with friends.

Time for my fat ass to drink beer and pretend like life is fucking worth it. Fuck.

Update (hour later) – And it is gone. The panic, the layer of fear over everything has disapated. God, I can’t believe I am allergic to Seroquel, it is such an effective drug for me. Sigh. Oh well, for now I will enjoy the calm. 

Update Update (hour-twenty later) – Oh, not all gone. A chunk of it is, but some is still here. Maybe I’ll take another 300. I don’t know. I don’t want hives, but I don’t want to feel this, panic, apathy, hopeless – sigh.

Update Update Update (two hours later) – Took a second 300mg of Seroquel. Please work. A few hours of peace before bed, please. 

Update (two hours and twenty minutes later) – Watching the same show over and over just for noise. Started downloading a bunch of apps, thought I’d find a game to play. Six new apps later, my apathy overwhelms everything. So I sit here alone and wait until I feel like a person again. 

Hate, Apathy and Panic

Better Than Adderall

flowers-and-treesYesterday, disaster. Lowest of low. I’m not capable of killing myself, nor do I desire to. Yesterday confirmed this. So low, yet I want to decorate many Christmas trees with Dan, to take our future children to Disney World, to see our children off to college, to retire and RV around the country together. And I will have all of that.

So, I need to stop giving a fuck. I’m done. My only goal is happiness, period. I am not going to try for a second degree, or to climb the ladder. I like my niche, honestly. I am damn good at it, and so much vacation time to explore life’s other offerings.

Had a bit of anxiety towards the beginning of the day. My response, shut the fuck up head. Sure, had to say it a few times. But, it worked.

Certainly medication helped support this. Yesterday I overcame medication, I held tightly to my anxiety until it overwhelmed any meds. However, when I attempt to go with the flow, I found medication providing a steady current.

Thirty-seven days ago I stopped taking Adderall.

Today is the first day better than Adderall.

Current Meds
Lamictal 200mg
Effexor XR 75mg
Seroquel XR 300mg
Latuda 20mg(tapering off)
Caffeine Pill 400mg

Better Than Adderall

Living from dose to dose

Sad, apathetic, sigh.

Currently laying on my couch working on doing nothing. Just laying in a silent house, my mind refuses to focus on anything. 


Everyday I spend hours, a majority of the day, right there. Waiting and hoping that Seroquel XR will build up and give me a couple hours as a functioning human.

I push back and fight my apathy. Yet it persists. Got out of the house, headed to a coffee shop, apathy came along too. Went on a bit of a walk, apathy came too. Dropped into a store, yep, my friend apathy.

My head always wins. My head is always mean.

Current Meds
Lamictal 200mg
Effexor XR 75mg
Seroquel XR 600mg
Latuda 20mg(tapering off)
Caffeine Pill 400mg

Living from dose to dose