Am I a prescription drug addict?

fwum32ua0qsyAlarm. Awake. Pills.

Really.

Mornings are a period were I disappear into my thoughts. Being present is always easier. My thoughts aren’t always toxic, some mornings are fine. But often, given a few hours in my head, I find a reason to hate myself.

Two hours later my savior arrives. As stimulants get pumped through my system my mind calms. It clears. Freedom.

This is every day. I take Nuvigil and when I wake up and wait for it to kick in and make my day easier. However, it fades in and out throughout the day. Four hours into my dose I start to disappear back into my head. An hour or two after that I am feel present again.

My day always ends smoothly. It feels like there is enough Nuvigil in my system that from about five on I am feeling good. More present, doing more, more alive.

Without Nuvigil’s push I am not dead. I am not even always struggling or awful, but I am a bit tired. And seem to be on the edge of down.

Having stopped abusing Adderall fourteen months ago, I can see a similar, although much less extreme cycle of ups and downs on Nuvigil.

My psychiatrist suggested this seems like addiction. That given some time, going off this medication and staying away from all stimulants might present the greatest chance of long-term success. This scares me. I am better now then I have been in years, even with the struggles.

My mind scrambles to come up with other solutions, a sign of addiction. Maybe if I split the pill and take the halves an hour apart, it would be more effective. I used to do that. Maybe this is desperation. I don’t know.

Am I addicted? Should I risk the happiness I have now to see if more happiness is possible?

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 100mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

 

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Am I a prescription drug addict?

Why you do not try, fix it.

gmYmTVm.pngI hammered this out today during one of my low points. Yeah.

I am not sure what state I will be in by the time of my appointment today. I guess I am writing this to make sure I explain where I often find myself.

I’m not present. It is impossible to be present. For the last hour I have literally just sat, doing nothing. Talking as little as possible. I still went to eat lunch with coworkers, I was silent. I am now sitting in sixth period totally withdrawn. My head, I don’t know how to fully explain.

I’m just so down. So overwhelmed with everything, anything. Getting up, seems impossible. Talking, impossible. Engaging in anything, impossible. It took some effort for me to even do this, the only reason I can accomplish this is because I focus on the only thing I can, i empty nothingness I feel. That fact that this life is fucking worthless. That I am so fucking broken I can’t manage to even function for chunks of my day. The fact that deep down I have never viewed suicide as freighting, it would be liberation from this. From the prison of my head, escape from this overwhelming sadness.

There is no fighting it. Jesus Christ, I try. I really do. Like I FUCKING TRY SO FUCKING MUCH. My therapeutic tools help. They help me understand that this isn’t permanent. It doesn’t last. Even though during it I am always scared. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it continues all day. Sometimes I have to fight my desire to go home and just start fucking drinking. I do. I don’t drink until at least 9, ever. I guess that is a win.

I am so much better then I have been. I know this, even now. Yet, this is still suffering. Dan won’t marry me. We have been engaged for almost two years, I just asked him again last week. He says he wants to wait until I fully recover, until I am fully a person. Until being enthusiastic about things isn’t such a rarity, that being said I do get enthusiastic, I do.

I am not trying to deceive you when I say it is always tied to Nuvigil. It is, I can feel its release so acutely. I feel it drop, increase, fade in and out. Taking less seroquel helps, but it might not permanent. Usually a few days, two or three on less seroquel are better to good days. But then it seems to lessen. So maybe it will only work short term, but i will try anything.

My evening are almost always good, as the concentration builds I am liberated from my mind, I exist in the world.

Is this caused by a continued dependence on stimulants? I dont know. Really. Maybe I wouldnt only be functional while medicated if my body didn’t learn to expect it.

But that scares me. By in large crashing is gone. It is unreal to say that, crashing has been a part of my life since at least 12. I would  be rended much like I feel now, non- functional, overwhelmed, useless for a few hours or days. The self hatred and suicidal ideation was often severe. Now I experience only pockets of that hell, but on a daily basis. It is less intense, certainly, but still present.

I wish you could feel this. That is evil to say, but I think you would be more motivated to make larger changes. I know we both have my best interest at heart. I am scared of vyvanse. I am worried that it will only mask part of these feelings. It will only help for chunks of the day. But if it could ease me into my day. Or if there is another medication, possibly. I just.

Medication gives me a significantly better quality of life for chunks of my day. It is so wonderful. There must be a way to expand that. God, the life I would live if I didn’t find hours of a day to torture myself. If you are interested in nuvigil, I would certainly say we should 20 or 15 pills. And again, I know this is a scary option. I won’t abuse it. I wish they had 5 mg pills. If I attempt to turn this into an endless quest of seeking more and more stimulants you can stop that.

I would want to cut back, I know the hell that leads to. Also, I would want you to talk with my psych when I move. I would of course compensate you for your time. But you can make them fully aware of my weaknesses. Also, if they wanted to ask you questions after initial contact, I would be fine always compensating you for your time. I know you have my health at heart, I am grateful for that.

It is fading now. Really. Otherwise I would write forever, because it is all I can think about. But my mind is clearing, thank god. I am actually doing some of my job. Not desperately trying to do nothing while looking somewhat busy. Alright done, I guess. My appointment is just 90 minutes from now. I am hopeful. Ha, I must be really leaving this mood behind.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Why you do not try, fix it.

Stimulants Cure Depression

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I’ll keep this short. Sorry for always taking so much of your time.

My mornings are always rough, sometimes it lasts, sometimes it does. By early evening I am always fine, often after 10:00am I am fine. Today has been rough, but I think I am doing okay now. But i don’t know, i usually don’t worry about my mood when i feel like i am doing good.

Medication isn’t going to fix everything, maybe it has done all it can. But every single day I start off with 100lbs weight around my neck. Everything is more difficult. I am more absent, in my head, it seems like I have to force myself to do anything.

Dan and I are moving to a new state, a new life in just a few months. I am better than I have ever been, but I hope medication can do just a pinch more. I guess the move has me scared about all this. I dont know when I’ll find a doctor and if they will be as competition as you.

Vyvanse does worry me, but starting every single day of the rest of my life like this also scares me. I just read that Nuvigil takes a few hours to get into your system, but Provigil, not being extended release seems to have an impact sooner. Maybe that is worth looking into. Or maybe a very small responsible amount of Vyvanse.

This is long again. I am sorry. I am trying. Thank you for everything. Sorry about the email last week, when down it is extremely hard to actually talk to someone, to socialize in any form.

Sorry, this isn’t short. I’ll see you in a week. Sorry for taking more of your time.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Stimulants Cure Depression

Focus on your worthless life

I guess I’ll be writing more.sick

My absence happened naturally, I guess. Life was going much more smoothly, leaving me less motivated to share, to look for answer. Instead, I was busy living.

However, over the last month or so, I have noticed a steady decline. Friends have even commented on it as well. The decline hasn’t plunge me back into the depths of sorrow I was feeling a year ago, however, it has left me with a nagging desire to die. I find it more and more difficult to push away the thought of how meaning less life. How difficult life is. And why do it? Why experience it? There certainly is more boredom, dullness, sorrow, anger, embarrassment, guilt than positive emotions. I’d say I am in a positive mood for merely 10 or 15% of my existence. It is simple math. Why do it?

I’ve been drinking more. At least one glass a wine a night, often two, ocassionally three. I don’t start until a couple hours before bed. It helps me wind down. Mornings are the hardest. Before Nuvigil hits its stride I try to distract myself any way possible, otherwise I get lost in my thoughts, scary.

I took more today. Yeah, shocking. I rarely do that. Really. Maybe once to twice a month with Nuvigil, I’ll take a quarter more, sometimes it helps. Usually by 1 or 2pm my day starts improving. I think it is due to the Nuvigil build up.

Always, always I am grateful when my drug induced presence arrives. No more in my head, life is still pointless. Yet, that thought doesn’t overwhelm me. It doesn’t debilitate me. Like now, I am finally free, sometime over the last hour the most difficult of those thoughts melted away. I think it is becoming more noticeable due to building up tolerance to my medications. It would make sense. I’ve been looking at my blog more over the past mounth, drinking more over the past month, struggling more.

It is hard to see depression setting in. You never realize it at first, just a bad day, week, I can make it better. I feel guilty because I keep making all these stupid mistakes. Eventually, know this is a dip back into greater sorrow.

Oh, well. Feeling alright now, here now, capable now. I’m off to the gym.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

 

Focus on your worthless life

Are you suicidal?

Are you suicidal? Are you? No?

You feel sad. Are you sad? Is that anxiety. Oh no, god no. Not anxiety, it comes from nowhere. Maybe that is normal stress.

Are you anxious? Please, stop thinking that.

It is so hard to stop thinking that. But you can.

Or not. Death would be nice.

Maybe you should kill yourself.

No! You know that isn’t true.

————————-


Depression is exhausting. It has been a bad few weeks since tappering off Seroquel. I gained so much weight on it. I’ve stayed the same weight since fifteen. Not any more, I gained 40lbs in roughly three months. Even though we knew Seroquel helped tremendously, I wanted to try something new.

I’m on Abilify now. Hopefully it starts working in the next few weeks. If not, I’m absolutely going back to Seroquel. Sigh. If I do, I won’t die from this depression. I’ll die from being a fat fat fat gross fuck.

Fuck.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

Are you suicidal?

Solve any problem, one amazing trick!

– Stressed? Kill yourself.

– Bored? Kill yourself.

– Sad? Kill yourself.

– Excited? Kill yourself.

– Tired? Kill yourself.

– Happy? Kill yourself.

– Angry? Kill yourself.

– Lonely? Kill yourself.

– Jealous? Kill yourself.

– Stressed? Kill yourself.

– Cold? Kill yourself.

– Guilty? Kill yourself.

– Hungover? Kill yourself.

– Entertained? Kill yourself.

– Curios? Kill yourself.

-Kill yourself.

-Kill yourself.

-Kill yourself.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

Solve any problem, one amazing trick!

Choosing Happiness – You’re Welcome

firefox_2016-10-03_11-25-06“Happiness is a choice,” she said.

“Thanks, of course,” I lied.

What I actually meant? Fuck you. If you believe that, you don’t know real depression, fuck, you have no idea. Sad? No. It is not sadness, at least not what I have, “severe depression.” It is constantly fighting the thought that you are so god damn worthless you should be executed. The executioner, myself. I don’t even believe in capital punishment, it is a racist and barbaric practice. Yet, when it comes to me?

Apparently, I consider myself worse than murders, rapist and terrorist, because in the depths of depression, I entirely believe I should blow my fucking head off. And I fight. God, do I fight. I try to stay positive, remind myself it is just a passing mood, I don’t have a real reason to feel so awful. All of this helps, because happiness is a choice. Fuck. None of it helps. Nothing helps. I wait for the mood to pass. Then I remember that I’m not great, but not horrible enough to merit remove from this planet.

“Happiness is a choice,” she said.

“Thanks, of course,” I lied.

Having zero self-confidence, constantly needing external validation often leads me to playing a role for people. I know few who dislike me, I constantly play roles for those around me. I’ll make jokes about fashion, musicals and Cher for those who appreciate a gay schtick and I couldn’t care less about any of the three. Religious? I’ll say “bless” and pretend that I pray. Whatever gets me positive reinforcement. Please, validate me.

It is pathetic. I know that. It is exhausting. And yet the fear of rejection conquers all.

I don’t love myself, but maybe you will. Please, at least pretend.

 

Choosing Happiness – You’re Welcome