Avoid the gym

RciZDH0Guess I’ll do a quick update.

I’ve been posting less lately, meaning I am doing alright. If I am not that motivated to post I probably haven’t had in several low points, because when those occur I often want to vent them on here.

We dropped my Seroquel XR by 50mg. I do think that is helping. My mornings are easier, but my body still waits for Nuvigil to kick in before feeling present. By mid afternoon enough Nuvigil has built up for me to almost always have a smooth evening.

So progress. It is odd, mental health. How healthy will I be? When will I know I have reach whatever it is I am reaching for. Oh, right. Mental health is life long, you never reach normal. No on does. Ha.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 100mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg


Avoid the gym

Prescription Drug that Gets you High

473px-AdvertisementKelloggsToastedCornFlakesMotherGuess1910I’m feeling great, like Tony the Tiger “Greatttttttttt!”


How? Nuvigil.

Last night I passed out late without taking my Seroquel XR 200mg. Holy. Shit. I knew it made me tired, I was using it as a sleep aid. But, god. I’m up beat, maybe even a pinch jittery.

You know what I am not? In my god damn head evaluating the purpose and point of life. I’d say this is about 20% of what Adderall did for me. Adderall forcing me to live in the present is one of the reason I began to abuse it, to silence my depression.

God. So, I should drop Seroquel. Oh, wait. I tried to ween off Seroquel in October and encounter my crippling depression within a few weeks. Not merely depression, anxiety. Constant low level fear. Seroquel isn’t an optional drug.

But maybe if we try lowering the dose. Or weening off slowly.

I seen my psychiatrist in two days. The real question. To take Seroquel or not? Hmm. Oh, well. Right now I am going to go enjoy this. It is the tits.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg


Prescription Drug that Gets you High

You are never enough

Right now I feel guilty. My morning has started off slow.

I woke up late, 9am, and have done nothing. I watched some TV and played video games for several hours. I often do this on weekends while waiting for Nuvigil to kick in.

My psychiatrist has me taking half a pill of Nuvigil in the morning and half in the afternoon. After a few hours and still feeling like Nuvigil hadn’t kicked in I took a fourth a pill, meaning I have about 190mg in my system.

I often wonder if I am enjoying something or simply passing time. TV, video games, I think I enjoy. But this morning felt more like passing time. Relaxing, yeah, but not sure about it being more than that, not sure about enjoyment.

Guilt, I always feel guilty. Having done nothing all morning is unfortunate. I expect myself to be more productive with my time, I’m always a disappointment. Honestly, there isn’t really much I need to do, house is clean, worked out, did some budgetting yesterday, but still guilty.

Finally I made myself get up and on the computer. I figured I’d find something to do slightly less guilt inducing. Hopefully blogging counts.

But guilt? I am always guilty. There is always something better to do. This isn’t something I only believe for myself, I believe it for mankind. I am never enough. You are never enough.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 1pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300


You are never enough

Leaving the cage

Today I braved an adventure into the world. 

Over the past year, as the depth of my depression hit new heights and struck without rhyme or reason, I eliminated all parts of my life outside work and home. The world, socializing, shopping, fitness – too much of a risk. They all could trigger a crash. It seemed like everything could.

Oh, I am bipolar? Isolation won’t protect from my terrifying mood dives? Crashes weren’t caused my outside stimulus? Yet I retain all my fears of the world. I’m not sure it is over. The sadness still sneaks through at times. Weekends are spent cowering in my home. 

Not today. Today I went to the gym. 

Small and pathetic but a step. Much of my former life was sacrificed to the this illness. 

Regardless, progress. Progress.

Leaving the cage