You worthless drug addict

Take more medication. It will help. Take more than prescribed, it will help. They don’t get what this feels like, they would do the same. They don’t know the burden.

Fuck off. Medications have seemed so right lately. I’m not taking more. It’d make it tempting to take meds when feeling  down, when feeling a bit off.

But yesterday, not awful, but difficult. Many thoughts about wanting to die, thirty, maybe fifty. Life, worthless and pointless.

Take more. 

No.

Do you want another yesterday? Take just a quarter more, it’s 62.5 milligrams added to the 250mg prescribed. It isn’t much. Take more. It will help.

No.

Take more.

And then I rushed to the pill bottle, split one into quarters and swallowed it quickly. Relief. The stress of the debate was over. Will my mood improve? Likely. I’ll feel more alive for several hours. And what worthless drug dependent shitty fag depressive doesn’t deserve that?

Me.

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You worthless drug addict

Make. This. Stop.

2551216998_3704392857_b9:15am
Facing my depression is the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn’t reach this conclusion lightly. Coming out was biggest challenge I had ever faced. Not sure my conservative family and friends would abandon me, preparing myself for some ruined relationship, making sure I was emotionally distant enough to ensure the ending of familiar relationship would not be catastrophic.
I wake up every morning scared. To face the day, scared of the various and plentiful triggers that developed over the past few years. What if I get a difficult email? What if I have to engage in an awkward social interaction? What if I feel tired all day and slack off at work? What if…. I stay scared for the first three to four hours of everyday.
Once Nuvigil kicks in my mind calms. It stops feeling overwhelmed by the variety of challenges I might face that day. Instead I can focus on the now, I can take my day step by step. Nothing seems impossible when I can get my head out of the clouds and into the now.
Today I am worried. By this time I am usually no longer struggling with my fear and desires to die. I just took the second part of my Nuvigil dose, desperation. Make it stop. Nobody deserves this.
I wish I had the bottle, I’d take more. It is times like this I stop caring.

10:45am
It has largely faded. Why? I don’t know. Maybe that last fourth of Nuvigil kicked in. I can’t tell you how wonderful the relief is. It just disappears for a bit, life ceases to be overwhelming for a few hours a day.

11:13am
I’m doing better. I can be in the moment more. This is so hard. The part that scares me most is the hopelessness of it all. We have tried so many meds, and yet I have found only partial relief. I don’t imagine any darastic new improvements. It seems this is where I’ll be. Maybe I’ll get used to. Maybe I will stop having such relentless desires to die, maybe.
I deserve this. My anxiety was always an issue. Now it is worse. But it appears to be worse due to my years of abusing Adderall. That is what I get for trying to skip my depressive episodes using stimulants.
Guilty. Always guilty. God, and this is me doing good. Right now I am at the best I’ve felt all day. And this is it.
I need to plan something this evening, something to look forward to. But I doubt I will come up with anything. Maybe I will. But I won’t actually look forward to it. I am just passing time. I don’t give a fuck about anything – anything other than this. This I give a fuck about. Make. This. Stop.

Make. This. Stop.

Split Nuvigil, Split Mind

My psychiatrist has me splitting Nuvigil now. 125mg when I wake up, 125mg around noon. I do have less anxiety in the morning now. Actually, my morning is fine, maybe on the goodish side of fine. 

Like Adderall used to do, Nuvigil is masking my mood. Life is still pointless. We are still nothing. Out of the billions of planets and celestial bodies, humans are nothing.

Yet, I can think about other things. Push the depressive thoughts out of my mind and accomplish daily tasks. I’m grateful for that. 

And yet again, I am going to complain a bit. I wish I wanted to live instead of merely avoiding the fact that I want to die.

Oh well, small victories.

Split Nuvigil, Split Mind

Take more nuvigil, take more

menuThis morning I took my prescribed 200mg of Nuvigil. The last two days I took 275mg, I split the last 150mg I had left.

After about an hour, I caved. Why? I am weak. I guess. Guilt, I feel some, but I also feel justified. I split a 200mg pill into four and then took an extra 50mg of Nuvigil.

It helps, more helps more. Is there an end to that? Unlikely. I’ll probably always want more… which is of course, problematic.

For now I am justifying it because it seems like that we will increase my dose to the maximum of 250mg at my next visit. Nuvigil is also unlikely to build up tolerance. Well, at least within the first few years. There are studies of up to three years that did not find much of a tolerance build up.

The start of the dose is always the best. I feel good. Yes, good. Not just content. So, it is a mild high, I guess. But it just makes my entire day so much more bearable. And if tolerance is unlikely, maybe this mild “high” is something I will get daily once increased to 250mg.

There is a drop off about four hours in, then it seems like a stronger release at six hours and a final strong release eight or nine hours it. Nuvigil is much more smooth than Vyvanse, but not as perfect as I hoped. Ha. Of course, I am depressed, part of that is never being satisfied.

Once again, I am writing a blog at the peak of Nuvigil releasing, it is the easiest time to accomplish tasks. Sigh. I do wish I didn’t have the constant nagging to cheat, to take more.

Oh well, that is a problem for tomorrow. I’m off to enjoy my Labor Day, I hope.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 100mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

Take more nuvigil, take more