Avoid the gym

RciZDH0Guess I’ll do a quick update.

I’ve been posting less lately, meaning I am doing alright. If I am not that motivated to post I probably haven’t had in several low points, because when those occur I often want to vent them on here.

We dropped my Seroquel XR by 50mg. I do think that is helping. My mornings are easier, but my body still waits for Nuvigil to kick in before feeling present. By mid afternoon enough Nuvigil has built up for me to almost always have a smooth evening.

So progress. It is odd, mental health. How healthy will I be? When will I know I have reach whatever it is I am reaching for. Oh, right. Mental health is life long, you never reach normal. No on does. Ha.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 100mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg


Avoid the gym

Why do you hate yourself?

1900 - eight nation alliance

Oh, I know why. There is always a why. It starts with one or two thoughts, and then you spiral. You think of more and more reasons you are a worthless piece of shit. Go.

  • Fat
  • Working a job beneath you, yet you stay
  • Lazy
  • Slow
  • A mess
  • Desperate
  • Stupid, go do something worthwhile
  • Under-educated
  • Depressed
  • Disappear tomorrow, no one would fucking care
  • Weak
  • Mentally ill, mentally fucking weak
  • Boring, get a fucking hobby
  • Socially awkward, find a friend
  • Self pietying
  • Pathetic, waste time on this blog you fuck
  • A failure, go get a real education or job
  • A quitter, I probably should even try
  • Scared
  • Crave fucking attention
  • Crazy
  • Whiny, I hate you
  • Fucked
  • Dependent on your meds
  • Poor, fuck you
  • Unhealthy, eat more shit you shit
  • Ugly, why? look above, christ
  • Forgettable, why would they invite you
  • Shitty
  • Friendless, and you deserve it
  • Unlovable
  • Effeminate
  • God damn drug addict
  • Med abuser
  • You use alcohol sometimes to escape your problems
  • Really weak
  • Alone
  • Gay, homo, fag, fairy, fatty
  • Die
  • Christ, fuck you

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Why do you hate yourself?

You are never enough

Right now I feel guilty. My morning has started off slow.

I woke up late, 9am, and have done nothing. I watched some TV and played video games for several hours. I often do this on weekends while waiting for Nuvigil to kick in.

My psychiatrist has me taking half a pill of Nuvigil in the morning and half in the afternoon. After a few hours and still feeling like Nuvigil hadn’t kicked in I took a fourth a pill, meaning I have about 190mg in my system.

I often wonder if I am enjoying something or simply passing time. TV, video games, I think I enjoy. But this morning felt more like passing time. Relaxing, yeah, but not sure about it being more than that, not sure about enjoyment.

Guilt, I always feel guilty. Having done nothing all morning is unfortunate. I expect myself to be more productive with my time, I’m always a disappointment. Honestly, there isn’t really much I need to do, house is clean, worked out, did some budgetting yesterday, but still guilty.

Finally I made myself get up and on the computer. I figured I’d find something to do slightly less guilt inducing. Hopefully blogging counts.

But guilt? I am always guilty. There is always something better to do. This isn’t something I only believe for myself, I believe it for mankind. I am never enough. You are never enough.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 1pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300


You are never enough

What does normal feel like?

scene_from_leave_it_to_beaver_1958Is this normal?

How the hell do crazy people know if they feel normal or not?

Seroquel XR is still a god send. I am now taking 600mg three hours before bed and I take up to three 25mg IR tablets as needed throughout the day.

Still, I am largely apathetic. My mood is stable, but there is little range. Okay, blah, fine and that is about all my mood does.

Towards the end of a dose, when the drug has built up in my body, I get a boost of energy. The apathy disappears and I feel capable. It feels normal with a push in the right direction.

Manic? Maybe. Maybe it is like 10 or 20 percent manic. As Seroquel builds up over the next several weeks I wonder what my normal will be.

I hope normal is 10% manic. But I feel normal is the apathetic dull mood I bear every morning.

What is normal?

What does normal feel like?

Which me is me?

640px-dr_jekyll_and_mr_hyde_poster_edit2This morning I woke up to a fourth of my normal Adderall dose. Prescription far too quickly. But for so long, it has been the only tool I have had between planning my suicide, or not. And it is a blunt and shitty tool.

Thankfully, over the past week Lamictal has become more noticeable, I am three days shy of six-weeks. Coming down from Adderall is always a disaster, heavy drinking became the solution to that problem. Two years ago I drank once or twice a month, not anymore. Now that Lamictal has built up in my body, coming off Adderall lost its terror.

Instead, the decent from Adderall leaves me calm, even relaxed, and a bit tired. It is nice. It is also easier to see Adderall’s awful side effects. And this article, god, me, this is exactly me:

After (people with Bipolar disorder) taking the drug chronically, rather than feeling happy while under the influence, patients report that they instead feel surly and paranoid while high.

Paranoid, yes. Surly yes. And panic inducing. As I swore in my last post, Adderall was poison and I was done. Well, now I am not so sure. Haha.

Adderall is bad. And can be terrible. I didn’t take a normal dose until 2pm today. Nothing really worried me. Doctor appointment ran late, called out for the rest of the day. Dropped off my prescription and headed home for an hour. I’d get the pills, eventually, but home sounded nice. As apposed to my normal routine of handing the prescription, asking them to get it ready as quickly as possible, then pacing back and forth in front of the counter until they call my name.

So, yeah, this morning was nice. I didn’t exactly get much done. Or anything, but I didn’t care to. Now on a dose of Adderall, the energy and focus is nice. There is no anxiety, not like it was producing, just a bit of a bump into productivity. I’m definitely not hypomanic, again, still very calm. But calm with an ability to focus and accomplish tasks.

Now what? Which me is me? I like this me, but is it the me doctors will let me have? Or am I to be the calm sedatited unproductive me? That is still incredible compared to the me who only thinks of suicide. Or are there even more version of me? Each pill probably giving a slightly end result.

I missed my first appointment with the new psychiatrist, an expert on adults with ADHD and Major Depressive Disorder and Bipolar — an expert on me. My first appointment is now a week or so off. I wonder, which me will she allow me to be?

Are any of them me?


Which me is me?

Better than Drugs

I’m aright. Still.

If what Lamictal is doing for me right now is “normal”, it is so unfair that others get to live like this. Everything is easier.

It has been far too long since my last good workout, told myself this morning I’d go to the gym tonight. However, tonight is here and I don’t feel like it. That is that. I might go after work tomorrow, I might not. But tonight’s decision is made and I’m not torturing myself over it. Not obsessing if that is the right choice, nor feeling guilty about my choice. Nope, I made a decision. Next.

Much of my energy is spent forcing myself to complete minor tasks. My entire life would be different if I didn’t exhaust myself fighting to merely live. I think the “normal” I feel with Lamictal might be actually how people usually experience emotions. They have no idea how hard some of us must fight. God. I’m so jealous of all the “normal” people.

Normal is better than drugs.

Better than Drugs