I’m going to fucking make it better

woman-1940On Thursday I had another appointment with my psychiatrist, it is almost a biweekly event.

I’ve been alright, I guess. Not good. But not always anxious and not to many suicidal thoughts. A desire to live? None. I said that with the litany of medications we have tried, it seems my expectations are too great. Medication helps silence the anxiety, it helps to level out my mood, it numbs.

I don’t believe medication can or will provide me a desire to live. That scares me.

I have none.

Well, maybe I do. I am feeling more anxious in this moment, more than I have been today. It is what got me up and blogging. However, I am realizing that Nuvigil might be kicking in. Curious. Well, maybe not so curious.

Adderall gave me horrendous anxiety, as I increased Nuvigil it did as well. That is why I we starting dividing my dose, half in the morning and half in the afternoon. However, maybe just less. I am always resistant to less stimulants because the functionality they provide. This so clearly makes sense though.

Fingers crossed it helps. I’m done hoping it gets better. I’m going to fucking make it better.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 12pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg (tappeing), Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

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I’m going to fucking make it better

Bad, suicide, fine, good repeat

My days are very predictable. Nuvigil has provided the best quality of life since quitting Adderall. Seroquel eliminates the constant state of minor panic, Nuvigil fights the letheragy of the depression and the tiredness Seroquel caused.

It is far from ideal. As shown below my mood bounces around. The lows are less hopeless because I know they’ll fade in a few hours. Nuvigil also provides more stability than Vyvanse did, both the high and lows were more severe.

At least life has been getting better one mediocre day at a time.

Bad, suicide, fine, good repeat

Medication solves depression

nwdlfse37ftwgupvi7d0zwcx8szlcfftynml2wnvyyaThis page has been blank for at least ten minutes. I am at a coffee shop. In a past life, before my depression consumed everything, I frequently dropped into a bunch of different local coffee shops. It is nice to get out of the house, work on whatever and people watch.

Of course, in the last few months before I entirely went off Adderall I rarely left the house other than for work. At work I was scared much of the time, a low level of panic throughout every day — all day. I feared social interaction, going to sleep, eating out, everything. The anxiety poisoned everything.

I’m fairly confident I’ve always operated in a state of mild anxiety. I know my first suicidal thoughts were in third grade. I relished the thought of the teacher telling everyone. The students would look shocked, some would cry, the boy who was mean to me would know it was his fault. Killing myself would solve so much.

At thirteen I began to grapple with my sexuality. Always, always had I been attracted to boys, to my friends. In fourth and fifth grade I’d play with myself while imagining my friends and I all  wrestling and rolling around naked. I didn’t know why I liked it, maybe I just want to check if I looked normal.

Growing up conservative I knew about the homosexuals. Perverts. Pedophiles. ——

You know what. Never mind. I want to explain why I am this way. I want to justify it. Tragic childhood. Self-hatred. Blah, blah, blah.

However, when I crash, when I want to die, taking a walk doesn’t pull me out of. Neither does going for a drive, or writing about it. Spending time with friends or having a dog also doesn’t interrupt my suicidal thoughts.

Telling myself my thoughts are just words, doesn’t help. Singing my suicidal thoughts to make them sound ridiculous, that is ridiculous. The thoughts still persist.

The desire to kill oneself isn’t rational. Even in those moments, the lowest of the low, when I am curled up into a ball screaming in my head to spray my brains on the wall, I know those thoughts aren’t rational. To some degree I’m aware I don’t want to die, even in those moments, it is why I am still here.

I feel fine right now, I’m glad to be at a coffee shop. I don’t feel fine because I got out of my house and went to a coffee shop. No, going out when crashing, terrifying, panic inducing.

Medicine can fix this. It is why Adderall got so out of control, it gave me access to a life I never realized existed. I hate myself, I hate myself because I view myself as a disappointment. And unless I become a tech billionaire and president, I’ll continue to be unsatisfied with my life.

Adderall showed me a life were I wasn’t paralyzed by the constant internal war. Adderall let me experience the world in the moment, it let me ignore my head and concentrate on now. Nuvigil is doing that right now. It goes up and down, part of the day/dose is better than others, parts are still bad.

I’ve always tried to fight this battle, always. There wasn’t a choice, you either fight against the suicidal thoughts or obey them.

The idea that my actions are useless, I hate. Partly because I feel personally responsible for every failure, I love torturing myself with those failures. Inability to function emotionally — failure. But I don’t think it is within my control. Medication is so different than therapeutic tools. Therapeutic tools comfort, to some degree, during those moments of internal warfare.

Medication removes the conflict from erupting, it prevents the war. There is no fight to lose, no carnage. There is just Saturday, me and a coffee shop.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 1pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

Medication solves depression

Choosing Happiness – You’re Welcome

firefox_2016-10-03_11-25-06“Happiness is a choice,” she said.

“Thanks, of course,” I lied.

What I actually meant? Fuck you. If you believe that, you don’t know real depression, fuck, you have no idea. Sad? No. It is not sadness, at least not what I have, “severe depression.” It is constantly fighting the thought that you are so god damn worthless you should be executed. The executioner, myself. I don’t even believe in capital punishment, it is a racist and barbaric practice. Yet, when it comes to me?

Apparently, I consider myself worse than murders, rapist and terrorist, because in the depths of depression, I entirely believe I should blow my fucking head off. And I fight. God, do I fight. I try to stay positive, remind myself it is just a passing mood, I don’t have a real reason to feel so awful. All of this helps, because happiness is a choice. Fuck. None of it helps. Nothing helps. I wait for the mood to pass. Then I remember that I’m not great, but not horrible enough to merit remove from this planet.

“Happiness is a choice,” she said.

“Thanks, of course,” I lied.

Having zero self-confidence, constantly needing external validation often leads me to playing a role for people. I know few who dislike me, I constantly play roles for those around me. I’ll make jokes about fashion, musicals and Cher for those who appreciate a gay schtick and I couldn’t care less about any of the three. Religious? I’ll say “bless” and pretend that I pray. Whatever gets me positive reinforcement. Please, validate me.

It is pathetic. I know that. It is exhausting. And yet the fear of rejection conquers all.

I don’t love myself, but maybe you will. Please, at least pretend.

 

Choosing Happiness – You’re Welcome

Blow your fucking brains out

testing-a-bulletproof-vest-1923I don’t want to write this.

I’m fucking angry. Angry at fucking nothing. Well, that isn’t true. I just want to pretend like it is about nothing. Fuck.

Taking my pills this morning I realized I was out of Nuvigil. Well, other than the 100mg I had left from when I was cutting up pills. I promptly took that. Why? Because I was tired and would have to go to the pharmacy.

Headed over to the pharmacy and picked up my pills. Of course, I took a full 200mg dose. Why? Because I was still tired and feeling off and scared. Fucking scared. Scared of another off day where I can’t escape my desire to end my pointless fucking life. I do nothing. Am nothing. Will accomplish nothing. Fuck. Fuck.

I attempted to run a few hours later, I was feeling anxious. After a mile I was already tired. A year ago I regularly ran ten to fifteen miles a week. Now? I might run once a week, maybe doing four miles. Going off Adderall and on Seroquel, my weight rapidly shot up. I had been the same weight since high school, no more. I went up forty pounds in three fucking month. Now, now I can’t lose it. I can’t because I am a lazy fat fuck. Die.

Today I did three and walked about half of it. Getting home I thought I might beat off. Organisms make me happy, at least for a few seconds.

Oh, I am not that interested in sex because all of the god damn medications I am on. Cumming is often impossible. So many medications, so many because I have to drug myself to make it through every fucking day because I am a fucking worthless fucking piece of shit. Fuck.

I just took more Nuvigil, 50mg or so. Why? I am a weak fucking piece of shit. Jesus Christ.

I want to try drinking, but I won’t. I’ll just sit here and bear this. Trying to remember I don’t always want to blow my fucking brains out. Fuck.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 40mg (new), Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

 

 

Blow your fucking brains out

Reasons to live

I spent yesterday fighting the desire to die, all day. It didn’t stop. I’d push it away and a few minutes later it’d come back louder. To fight that desire I wrote a list of reasons I want to live.

1. Dan – he is supportive and kind, brilliant and witty, he is everything. You want to marry him in the near future (you’re engaged), have a family with him and travel the world.

2. Your job can be enjoyable if you let it. You think you are contributing to a larger good, even if it is in a small way. You started the LGBTQ group, it not only helps and supports others at work, it helps you.

3. The community group you lead once a week is impactful. The drop in “class” helps seniors learn different computer skills. It is great to see their excitement as they get connected to a broader world.

4. Video games, not always, but you can get completely hooked on a new video game, just like when you were a child.

5. There is nothing better than a good beer. You enjoy trying and discovering new craft beers. It is a good outlet for you.

6. Blogging is often a struggle and doesn’t always help you, but maybe there is someone out there that gets something out of it. Maybe they read it and identify, or learn, or feel less alone – anything.

7. Every week you get to make a small impact on Pat’s child. You started hanging out with him over six years ago. Pat, a friend of a friend, wanted a male who had attended college in her son’s life. She hadn’t and didn’t want him to struggle like her. He is incredible. He will get some scholarships but you will pay the rest, even if you have to take out loans. He deserves it. You are lucky to know him.

8. You fight really really really hard. It must be for something. You’ve always struggled like this, you’re still here. You are because somewhere deep down you want to be. You might hate yourself, but you are strong, resilient. You fight your mind on a daily basis, you’re still here. I’m proud of you.

I think this helped some. I don’t know. I’m always sad. I still feel tired and sad. It is just in my head, I am fine. But I am not. But I am.

Nope. Still exactly where I was. I’m fighting. I’m got eight hours of sleep and feel tired. I might not thinking about death so much right now, but my general mood hasn’t changed. It never will. Oh well.

Update: And twenty minutes later I am back to obsessing about my desire to die. I’m tire of this shit.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg (new), Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

Reasons to live

Nuvigil, ADHD and depression

ay00vjwOn Tuesday my psychiatrist and I decided to up my Nuvigil dose from 150mg to 200mg. Also, I am tapering off of Seroquel since my clinical psychological evaluation diagnosed me with treatment resistant depression, Dysthymia and ADHD – ruling out my bipolar diagnoses.

The main symptom of my depression is apathy. Desire, no. Interest, no. Motivation, no. We are hoping that tapering off Seroquel will give me more energy throughout the day. I’m now using Trazadone 50mg as a sleep aide.

I am more and more aware of how my ADHD contributes to my depression. Nuvigil definitely helps, it is also much much smoother of a release than Vyvanse. However, Nuvigil does start strong and dip during the day for me, and during that dip I become unengaged, bored. It is these periods where my mind wonders into the depressive thoughts. If I not being aided with a stimulant my mind always wanders to the negative.

Stimulants impact dopamine, maybe my depression is caused by low dopamine levels. It would make so much sense. Stimulant based medications work to combat my depression in a way that nothing else has come close.

Of course, I am writing this blog on a day I took more than my prescribed amount of Nuvigil. I cut my last 150mg pill in half and took half on top of my 200mg pill. More is always better. I’m so weak. My psychiatrist even commented that I will likely be asking for an increased dose of Nuvigil in two weeks. That I tend to seek the maximum dose. I concurred. But I seek the maximum because more helps more.

Although, maybe I am just trying to justify past abuse of stimulants and current prescription for Nuvigil. I don’t know. I never know.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 100mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

 

Nuvigil, ADHD and depression