Missing Anxiety 

Blogging less lately, it means I’m doing alright. Most of my blogs are done to allow me to vent. There is no need to vent when I’m doing alright.

I think I’ve finally found a medication cocktail I can live with. I’ve been splitting up my 250mg Nuvigil, half of it when I wake up, a quarter four hours later and another quarter two hours after that. If I take the entire dose at once I’m overwhelmed with anxiety.

However, anxiety often still hits in the evening, I believe because of Nuvigil wearing off. I’ve been taking 50mg of Seroquel IR and definitely helps.

Taking Nuvigil like this means it doesn’t help me get things done, at least not like I had hoped. I have to fight tremendously hard to force me to read and respond to emails at work. However, I tried taking a half dose of Nuvigil, the day went horribly. I watched the click and counted the minutes until I could leave work. I felt like an observer of my day, not present, not a participant in it.

I’m frustrated, tomorrow I will take Nuvigil and hope I can squeeze enough work out that no one notices I’m barely hanging on. I fear I might be this unmotivated person I have been fighting every day.

Oh well, I guess feeling absent is better than anxiety. I think.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg (tappeing), Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

Missing Anxiety 

My hero

Yes, I just titled a post that. Yes, I stand by it. No one would accuse me of being the romantic type. But I have the most wonderful partner.

Before I dive into this post I must say, to those who don’t have a family member or friend backing you up, I can’t imagine the strength. 

Tonight I began feeling real anxious. Everything became stressful. What if I have a bad day at work tomorrow? What if I get fired? What if Dan gets overwhelmed and leaves me? What if…

After a little while of this spiraling I told Dan I was suddenly feeling anxious and lonely. I laid down in our bed. 

“Get up. We are going on a walk,” Dan wasn’t going to watch me sulk. 

I resisted some, but within a few minutes we were wandering around our neighborhood. I told him all the stressful thoughts that popped into my head, he pointed out these times pass.  We both agreed that this was likely caused by my second dose of Nuvigil. I only took three-quarters of my dose because yesterday I experience intense anxiety. This was definitely less intense but still rendered me useless.

We walked for about a half hour, it seemed to have faded some. Getting home I realized some of the tension, the racing thoughts, the fear remained. I shuffled off to the bed to wait it out. It usually ends after an hour or so, it seems most tense six hours into my second Nuvigil dose.

Dan followed me to bed. Without saying a word he laid down and held tightly onto me, keeping me in this world, less in my mind. Dan is very busy at work, he already has too much to do, yet he laid there and comforted me. It was another twenty minutes or so before the anxiety actually faded. Dan then left me to rest and made us dinner.

This last year or so, absolute hell. Especially hell for Dan. I can’t imagine, I’d never choose this, choose to be present or near the endless negativity, fear and hopelessness I fight everyday. Dan could walk away. He could say enough. Instead, he holds on tight until the fear subsides. He is strong even when I’m not.

I’m eager to have a solid medication cocktail, to stabilize (working on it), to fall into a more routine and normal life.

I’m eager to turn my attention from fighting my demons to fighting to be the man Dan deserves. Someday, someday soon.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

My hero

I’m going to fucking make it better

woman-1940On Thursday I had another appointment with my psychiatrist, it is almost a biweekly event.

I’ve been alright, I guess. Not good. But not always anxious and not to many suicidal thoughts. A desire to live? None. I said that with the litany of medications we have tried, it seems my expectations are too great. Medication helps silence the anxiety, it helps to level out my mood, it numbs.

I don’t believe medication can or will provide me a desire to live. That scares me.

I have none.

Well, maybe I do. I am feeling more anxious in this moment, more than I have been today. It is what got me up and blogging. However, I am realizing that Nuvigil might be kicking in. Curious. Well, maybe not so curious.

Adderall gave me horrendous anxiety, as I increased Nuvigil it did as well. That is why I we starting dividing my dose, half in the morning and half in the afternoon. However, maybe just less. I am always resistant to less stimulants because the functionality they provide. This so clearly makes sense though.

Fingers crossed it helps. I’m done hoping it gets better. I’m going to fucking make it better.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 12pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg (tappeing), Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

I’m going to fucking make it better

Medication solves depression

nwdlfse37ftwgupvi7d0zwcx8szlcfftynml2wnvyyaThis page has been blank for at least ten minutes. I am at a coffee shop. In a past life, before my depression consumed everything, I frequently dropped into a bunch of different local coffee shops. It is nice to get out of the house, work on whatever and people watch.

Of course, in the last few months before I entirely went off Adderall I rarely left the house other than for work. At work I was scared much of the time, a low level of panic throughout every day — all day. I feared social interaction, going to sleep, eating out, everything. The anxiety poisoned everything.

I’m fairly confident I’ve always operated in a state of mild anxiety. I know my first suicidal thoughts were in third grade. I relished the thought of the teacher telling everyone. The students would look shocked, some would cry, the boy who was mean to me would know it was his fault. Killing myself would solve so much.

At thirteen I began to grapple with my sexuality. Always, always had I been attracted to boys, to my friends. In fourth and fifth grade I’d play with myself while imagining my friends and I all  wrestling and rolling around naked. I didn’t know why I liked it, maybe I just want to check if I looked normal.

Growing up conservative I knew about the homosexuals. Perverts. Pedophiles. ——

You know what. Never mind. I want to explain why I am this way. I want to justify it. Tragic childhood. Self-hatred. Blah, blah, blah.

However, when I crash, when I want to die, taking a walk doesn’t pull me out of. Neither does going for a drive, or writing about it. Spending time with friends or having a dog also doesn’t interrupt my suicidal thoughts.

Telling myself my thoughts are just words, doesn’t help. Singing my suicidal thoughts to make them sound ridiculous, that is ridiculous. The thoughts still persist.

The desire to kill oneself isn’t rational. Even in those moments, the lowest of the low, when I am curled up into a ball screaming in my head to spray my brains on the wall, I know those thoughts aren’t rational. To some degree I’m aware I don’t want to die, even in those moments, it is why I am still here.

I feel fine right now, I’m glad to be at a coffee shop. I don’t feel fine because I got out of my house and went to a coffee shop. No, going out when crashing, terrifying, panic inducing.

Medicine can fix this. It is why Adderall got so out of control, it gave me access to a life I never realized existed. I hate myself, I hate myself because I view myself as a disappointment. And unless I become a tech billionaire and president, I’ll continue to be unsatisfied with my life.

Adderall showed me a life were I wasn’t paralyzed by the constant internal war. Adderall let me experience the world in the moment, it let me ignore my head and concentrate on now. Nuvigil is doing that right now. It goes up and down, part of the day/dose is better than others, parts are still bad.

I’ve always tried to fight this battle, always. There wasn’t a choice, you either fight against the suicidal thoughts or obey them.

The idea that my actions are useless, I hate. Partly because I feel personally responsible for every failure, I love torturing myself with those failures. Inability to function emotionally — failure. But I don’t think it is within my control. Medication is so different than therapeutic tools. Therapeutic tools comfort, to some degree, during those moments of internal warfare.

Medication removes the conflict from erupting, it prevents the war. There is no fight to lose, no carnage. There is just Saturday, me and a coffee shop.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 1pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

Medication solves depression

Help your depression, abuse your prescriptions

swagmanI’m scared. Right now I am scared of it coming back. Nuvigil is at its peak. I feel a bit more capable, not lost in the negative whirl that is my mind. For the first three hours after Nuvigil I sat on the couch and played a video game.

Stimulants give me a slight push, suddenly I can desire to do things. Every task no longer is impossible and pointless. Doing things can feel good. Enjoyment, that is what I have missed most since the end of my Adderall abuse. Investment, I want to feel invested in something.

At the peak of Nuvigil I can be. I no longer search for ways to fill and pass the time, instead I stop merely passing time and start living. It is everything.

It has been six months since I stopped taking Adderall. Can it really be having this large of an impact? Still?

I am even more scared now. As my psychiatrist I trust your judgement. But please don’t make any rash decisions. Please don’t take punitive action. Really. Over the last week and a half I started taking more Nuvigil than I am prescribed.

This is new, I had never previously gone over 250mg. I’ve only gone up to 300mg in a desperate attempt to stay functioning.

Am I chasing a high? No. I can swear to you I am not. Looking back, those were so awful. Jittery, anxious and a bit paranoid – awful. I’m trying to get up.

I don’t take it all at once. Instead, during the second crash I have found myself reaching for more pills. It is so difficult to chose to feel suicidal for a couple hours. I have access to a medication that lifts the burden.

My depression extends back to my earliest memories, it is why it took me so long to seek treatment. I didn’t think I was “depressed,” I was functioning just like I always had.

It is damn difficult to face that depression, that low, that crash everyday. In all honesty, I believe you would reach for more Nuvigil too. You’d cry for a half hour, sometimes an hour, while chewing on your bottom lip. You’d beg your mind to stop, practice breathing, externalizing, therapeutic tools and more. Then, then exhausted and defeated you would get up and split up a pill. You’d take it and feel the intense hatred for disobeying your doctor, again. And again. You’d start crying. You’d feel like all your failings warranted suicide.

An hour later, slowly, you get more interested in the TV, or you get up and get something to eat and it all stops. Suddenly your mind is on something different. It doesn’t immediately stray back. You still absolutely fucking hate you. Yet, you don’t have to obsess about it. In fact, you know that is something you should work on. You feel empowered.

Stimulants are the only thing that does this. Seroquel calms me, yet it doesn’t help with the thoughts to the same degree. This is why I wondered about a possible dopamine deficiency.

We have a medication that enables me to feel alive. Will stimulants always work, probably not. Although, Nuvigil has a study conducted over four years showing little tolerance build up. But can’t I have a bit more? Maybe 300mg? Will I always want more? Possibly. I just want to split the doses. I guess I could take 150mg in the morning and 100mg in the afternoon.

But I do think more would be beneficial, and again, I am not chasing a high. And I swear on my life, if we find something better, I’ll switch.

I hate taking stimulants. But I hate suicidal thoughts more.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel 150mg (new)

Help your depression, abuse your prescriptions

Feeling Nothing. Absent. Empty.

Nothing. Absent. Empty.

Better than shit, I guess. Is nothing normal? Am I just craving an old Adderall high? More likely, do I still not function fully without a steady stream of stimulants? I want to want to do things. 

Shit. Nothing. I feel nothing. Nothing is shit. I feel like shit.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel 150mg (new)

Feeling Nothing. Absent. Empty.

Solve any problem, one amazing trick!

– Stressed? Kill yourself.

– Bored? Kill yourself.

– Sad? Kill yourself.

– Excited? Kill yourself.

– Tired? Kill yourself.

– Happy? Kill yourself.

– Angry? Kill yourself.

– Lonely? Kill yourself.

– Jealous? Kill yourself.

– Stressed? Kill yourself.

– Cold? Kill yourself.

– Guilty? Kill yourself.

– Hungover? Kill yourself.

– Entertained? Kill yourself.

– Curios? Kill yourself.

-Kill yourself.

-Kill yourself.

-Kill yourself.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

Solve any problem, one amazing trick!