What meds do you take? I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow…

CaptureI’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, depression and bipolar disorder. Recently we’ve been wondering if I have severe depression and I’m not actually bipolar. My medication cocktail is still not right.

Previous: Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 1800mg, Strattera 80mg, Effexor 150mg, Prozac 30mg, Cymbalta 60mg

Currently: Vyvanse 30mg, Lamictal 200mg, Seroquel XR 300mg, Strattera 80mg, Pristiq 100mg

There are so many meds out there, I can’t keep track.

What is your diagnoses? What medications do you take?

What meds do you take? I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow…

the anxiety of happiness


Yesterday started rough. I needed to clear everything out of my old office and get settled in the new much more isolated one. Taking down pictures, it killed me.

I’ve been planning on pushing down my doses of Adderall, but it is so hard for me. Choose the day you would like to intensely concentrate on killing yourself, thanks.

Anyways, yesterday was one of those days. However, I said fuck it. I took a bit more, got up to 45 mg and certainly didn’t feel happy. But I wasn’t overwhelmed with each step. My mind gets into these loops, I preservative, always about the worst possible causes or outcomes. I am asked to move because I am disposable. And the thought was overwhelming and constant. Adderall doesn’t quiet my mind, but it allows me to focus on the outside world even if my head is chaos.

Yesterday Adderall helped, a lot. And yet, just a week ago I blogged saying it was poison. I wonder the true impact of these medications. I so desperately want to find the cause, to solve it. Rationally, I am fully aware that is not how it will work, but my mind, my mind still scrambles to fix it.

Regardless, the past couple days have been okay to good. And that is god damn incredible.

Last night, a fucking nightmare. Apparently three or four days ago I ran out of Effexor XR (Venlafaxine), didn’t even notice it. Last night I threw up nine times. Brain zaps occurred in waves and were at most a minute apart. I felt like I was about to shit my pants for a solid nine hours. Shivering, sweating, crying – it was a good time for all.

Today I’ve been good, not okay, but good. I write less when I am doing well, I just don’t think about my mood as much. In the depths of my lows I know it will never end. Good days, like today, I dread going to bed. What if I don’t get this tomorrow? I am probably having a good day because my body is relieved to have Effexor again.

Regardless, as I lay down tonight anxiety will set in, who will I be tomorrow? I’ll wonder if I get another day as that kind calm person I used to know. I like him. I miss him so.



the anxiety of happiness

Which me is me?

640px-dr_jekyll_and_mr_hyde_poster_edit2This morning I woke up to a fourth of my normal Adderall dose. Prescription far too quickly. But for so long, it has been the only tool I have had between planning my suicide, or not. And it is a blunt and shitty tool.

Thankfully, over the past week Lamictal has become more noticeable, I am three days shy of six-weeks. Coming down from Adderall is always a disaster, heavy drinking became the solution to that problem. Two years ago I drank once or twice a month, not anymore. Now that Lamictal has built up in my body, coming off Adderall lost its terror.

Instead, the decent from Adderall leaves me calm, even relaxed, and a bit tired. It is nice. It is also easier to see Adderall’s awful side effects. And this article, god, me, this is exactly me:

After (people with Bipolar disorder) taking the drug chronically, rather than feeling happy while under the influence, patients report that they instead feel surly and paranoid while high.

Paranoid, yes. Surly yes. And panic inducing. As I swore in my last post, Adderall was poison and I was done. Well, now I am not so sure. Haha.

Adderall is bad. And can be terrible. I didn’t take a normal dose until 2pm today. Nothing really worried me. Doctor appointment ran late, called out for the rest of the day. Dropped off my prescription and headed home for an hour. I’d get the pills, eventually, but home sounded nice. As apposed to my normal routine of handing the prescription, asking them to get it ready as quickly as possible, then pacing back and forth in front of the counter until they call my name.

So, yeah, this morning was nice. I didn’t exactly get much done. Or anything, but I didn’t care to. Now on a dose of Adderall, the energy and focus is nice. There is no anxiety, not like it was producing, just a bit of a bump into productivity. I’m definitely not hypomanic, again, still very calm. But calm with an ability to focus and accomplish tasks.

Now what? Which me is me? I like this me, but is it the me doctors will let me have? Or am I to be the calm sedatited unproductive me? That is still incredible compared to the me who only thinks of suicide. Or are there even more version of me? Each pill probably giving a slightly end result.

I missed my first appointment with the new psychiatrist, an expert on adults with ADHD and Major Depressive Disorder and Bipolar — an expert on me. My first appointment is now a week or so off. I wonder, which me will she allow me to be?

Are any of them me?


Which me is me?

Lamictal and Adderall together again

Lamictal is the cause. I just completely crashed. Dan is still at that event. I didn’t want to bother him. I have few friends – none that I want to burden with my darkest thoughts. Ended up calling my mother.

She has never heard me in my lows. She demanded I call a doctor, immediately. I wish things were that simple.

“Mom, I see a doctor and therapist every week. And I’ll be seeing the new psychiatrist in three weeks. I called my doctor last weekend. I call her two-ish times a week. There isn’t any magic to make this stop.”

I’m still not sure if I should have called. But I need to speak to somene else. I had lost it. Crying. Cursing at myself. Hoping death would strike.

We spoke for about 20 minutes, she had to go help with children. She told me to call if anything gets worse. “I’ll have my phone on me all night. I’ll give you a call in a few hours regardless.”

I got up and took 20mg of Adderall. Then used everything I had to put myself in the car and drive to the store. I felt a bit odd.

Oh, it had been roughly three hours since I took Lamictal (Lamotrigine). between two and four hours, I usually start to feel it. Apparently that makes sense:

Lamotrigine is rapidly and completely absorbed after oral administration. Its absolute bioavailability is 98% and its plasma Cmax occurs from 1.4 to 4.8 hours.
From: Wikipedia

As Lamictal starts to work, my entire body feels the change. Over the course of a minute or so, the constant self-hate recedes.

Twelve hours of peace. Then, another pill.


Lamictal and Adderall together again