This morning I woke up to a fourth of my normal Adderall dose. Prescription far too quickly. But for so long, it has been the only tool I have had between planning my suicide, or not. And it is a blunt and shitty tool.
Thankfully, over the past week Lamictal has become more noticeable, I am three days shy of six-weeks. Coming down from Adderall is always a disaster, heavy drinking became the solution to that problem. Two years ago I drank once or twice a month, not anymore. Now that Lamictal has built up in my body, coming off Adderall lost its terror.
Instead, the decent from Adderall leaves me calm, even relaxed, and a bit tired. It is nice. It is also easier to see Adderall’s awful side effects. And this article, god, me, this is exactly me:
After (people with Bipolar disorder) taking the drug chronically, rather than feeling happy while under the influence, patients report that they instead feel surly and paranoid while high.
Paranoid, yes. Surly yes. And panic inducing. As I swore in my last post, Adderall was poison and I was done. Well, now I am not so sure. Haha.
Adderall is bad. And can be terrible. I didn’t take a normal dose until 2pm today. Nothing really worried me. Doctor appointment ran late, called out for the rest of the day. Dropped off my prescription and headed home for an hour. I’d get the pills, eventually, but home sounded nice. As apposed to my normal routine of handing the prescription, asking them to get it ready as quickly as possible, then pacing back and forth in front of the counter until they call my name.
So, yeah, this morning was nice. I didn’t exactly get much done. Or anything, but I didn’t care to. Now on a dose of Adderall, the energy and focus is nice. There is no anxiety, not like it was producing, just a bit of a bump into productivity. I’m definitely not hypomanic, again, still very calm. But calm with an ability to focus and accomplish tasks.
Now what? Which me is me? I like this me, but is it the me doctors will let me have? Or am I to be the calm sedatited unproductive me? That is still incredible compared to the me who only thinks of suicide. Or are there even more version of me? Each pill probably giving a slightly end result.
I missed my first appointment with the new psychiatrist, an expert on adults with ADHD and Major Depressive Disorder and Bipolar — an expert on me. My first appointment is now a week or so off. I wonder, which me will she allow me to be?
Are any of them me?