What meds do you take? I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow…

CaptureI’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, depression and bipolar disorder. Recently we’ve been wondering if I have severe depression and I’m not actually bipolar. My medication cocktail is still not right.

Previous: Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 1800mg, Strattera 80mg, Effexor 150mg, Prozac 30mg, Cymbalta 60mg

Currently: Vyvanse 30mg, Lamictal 200mg, Seroquel XR 300mg, Strattera 80mg, Pristiq 100mg

There are so many meds out there, I can’t keep track.

What is your diagnoses? What medications do you take?

What meds do you take? I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow…

Living from dose to dose

Sad, apathetic, sigh.

Currently laying on my couch working on doing nothing. Just laying in a silent house, my mind refuses to focus on anything. 


Everyday I spend hours, a majority of the day, right there. Waiting and hoping that Seroquel XR will build up and give me a couple hours as a functioning human.

I push back and fight my apathy. Yet it persists. Got out of the house, headed to a coffee shop, apathy came along too. Went on a bit of a walk, apathy came too. Dropped into a store, yep, my friend apathy.

My head always wins. My head is always mean.

Current Meds
Lamictal 200mg
Effexor XR 75mg
Seroquel XR 600mg
Latuda 20mg(tapering off)
Caffeine Pill 400mg

Living from dose to dose

What does normal feel like?

scene_from_leave_it_to_beaver_1958Is this normal?

How the hell do crazy people know if they feel normal or not?

Seroquel XR is still a god send. I am now taking 600mg three hours before bed and I take up to three 25mg IR tablets as needed throughout the day.

Still, I am largely apathetic. My mood is stable, but there is little range. Okay, blah, fine and that is about all my mood does.

Towards the end of a dose, when the drug has built up in my body, I get a boost of energy. The apathy disappears and I feel capable. It feels normal with a push in the right direction.

Manic? Maybe. Maybe it is like 10 or 20 percent manic. As Seroquel builds up over the next several weeks I wonder what my normal will be.

I hope normal is 10% manic. But I feel normal is the apathetic dull mood I bear every morning.

What is normal?

What does normal feel like?

the anxiety of happiness


Yesterday started rough. I needed to clear everything out of my old office and get settled in the new much more isolated one. Taking down pictures, it killed me.

I’ve been planning on pushing down my doses of Adderall, but it is so hard for me. Choose the day you would like to intensely concentrate on killing yourself, thanks.

Anyways, yesterday was one of those days. However, I said fuck it. I took a bit more, got up to 45 mg and certainly didn’t feel happy. But I wasn’t overwhelmed with each step. My mind gets into these loops, I preservative, always about the worst possible causes or outcomes. I am asked to move because I am disposable. And the thought was overwhelming and constant. Adderall doesn’t quiet my mind, but it allows me to focus on the outside world even if my head is chaos.

Yesterday Adderall helped, a lot. And yet, just a week ago I blogged saying it was poison. I wonder the true impact of these medications. I so desperately want to find the cause, to solve it. Rationally, I am fully aware that is not how it will work, but my mind, my mind still scrambles to fix it.

Regardless, the past couple days have been okay to good. And that is god damn incredible.

Last night, a fucking nightmare. Apparently three or four days ago I ran out of Effexor XR (Venlafaxine), didn’t even notice it. Last night I threw up nine times. Brain zaps occurred in waves and were at most a minute apart. I felt like I was about to shit my pants for a solid nine hours. Shivering, sweating, crying – it was a good time for all.

Today I’ve been good, not okay, but good. I write less when I am doing well, I just don’t think about my mood as much. In the depths of my lows I know it will never end. Good days, like today, I dread going to bed. What if I don’t get this tomorrow? I am probably having a good day because my body is relieved to have Effexor again.

Regardless, as I lay down tonight anxiety will set in, who will I be tomorrow? I’ll wonder if I get another day as that kind calm person I used to know. I like him. I miss him so.



the anxiety of happiness

Wanna see a shit show?

Today has been difficult. Testing out less Adderall, just 60mg. Disaster. Shit show.

I use a Google Form to track meds. Drop down list to pick the pill, place for dosage size, time stamped and sometimes I log my mood, energy, how much I am in my head and focus. Instead of throwing another pity/bitching/pathetic party here — gonna use the back catalog.

Below is my log of the two days before being diagnosed Bipolar. Yeah. Shit show.  

Total of that disaster? Well, 160mg. Oh, and at 10:30pm, when I get giddy, hypomanic. I didn’t know it then but yeah. Drug addict. Fuck. Die.

10 pictureTotal is 127.5. Still, shit show.

Good thing the next day I was diagnosed Bipolar, put on Lamictal and since it has been six-weeks, everything is solved. Now I am going to go drink or imagine the blood stain on my ceiling if I was capable of blowing my brains out.

Fuck me. I probably just do this shit for attention. Fuck. I am not going to fucking kill myself. I just wish so much I had the balls. Fuck.

Happy Tuesday!

Wanna see a shit show?

Which me is me?

640px-dr_jekyll_and_mr_hyde_poster_edit2This morning I woke up to a fourth of my normal Adderall dose. Prescription far too quickly. But for so long, it has been the only tool I have had between planning my suicide, or not. And it is a blunt and shitty tool.

Thankfully, over the past week Lamictal has become more noticeable, I am three days shy of six-weeks. Coming down from Adderall is always a disaster, heavy drinking became the solution to that problem. Two years ago I drank once or twice a month, not anymore. Now that Lamictal has built up in my body, coming off Adderall lost its terror.

Instead, the decent from Adderall leaves me calm, even relaxed, and a bit tired. It is nice. It is also easier to see Adderall’s awful side effects. And this article, god, me, this is exactly me:

After (people with Bipolar disorder) taking the drug chronically, rather than feeling happy while under the influence, patients report that they instead feel surly and paranoid while high.

Paranoid, yes. Surly yes. And panic inducing. As I swore in my last post, Adderall was poison and I was done. Well, now I am not so sure. Haha.

Adderall is bad. And can be terrible. I didn’t take a normal dose until 2pm today. Nothing really worried me. Doctor appointment ran late, called out for the rest of the day. Dropped off my prescription and headed home for an hour. I’d get the pills, eventually, but home sounded nice. As apposed to my normal routine of handing the prescription, asking them to get it ready as quickly as possible, then pacing back and forth in front of the counter until they call my name.

So, yeah, this morning was nice. I didn’t exactly get much done. Or anything, but I didn’t care to. Now on a dose of Adderall, the energy and focus is nice. There is no anxiety, not like it was producing, just a bit of a bump into productivity. I’m definitely not hypomanic, again, still very calm. But calm with an ability to focus and accomplish tasks.

Now what? Which me is me? I like this me, but is it the me doctors will let me have? Or am I to be the calm sedatited unproductive me? That is still incredible compared to the me who only thinks of suicide. Or are there even more version of me? Each pill probably giving a slightly end result.

I missed my first appointment with the new psychiatrist, an expert on adults with ADHD and Major Depressive Disorder and Bipolar — an expert on me. My first appointment is now a week or so off. I wonder, which me will she allow me to be?

Are any of them me?


Which me is me?

Pull the trigger you fuck

 I’ve been sad for much of the day. Issues at work prompted this sadness, but they are actually issues, I have a tangible reason for my sadness. That is odd, a good odd.

It only dipped into the familiar sucidal thoughts occasionally, not the constant and debilitating thoughts Im use to

I’ve been on Lamictal at 200mg for over two weeks, it is definitely helping. Today, knowing it was going to be rough, I also took to much Adderall, out of fear and desperation. I don’t want to go back to the non-functional state of just a few months ago. I’m not going to tolerate constant thoughts of suicidal anymore. So, instead I’m using drugs.

After twelve hours Lamictal stops helping. Always. And I know the second it stops. Yesterday I reached out to grab a cup, brushed against my stomach that has lost all trace of the decade long earned six-pack of six months ago. As my arm pushed against the new fat, my thought, “You have turned into a fat disgusting unfuckable shit. Kill yourself.” Yep, my mind at work.

That is where I am. Not sure if tonight if the coming down from a substantial dose of Adderall is also contributing, it does sometimes but not always. And I do dip at the twelve nourish point. Technically, I’m fairly close to my the six-week mark, the point it is entirely in your system. Lamictal has been a godsend. 

However, getting twelve hours of peace, knowing how a brain can work, entirely foreign to my own, the depressive streak in my nights is even more unbearable. I debate, well you’re not only thinking of suicide. You did have thirty seconds of thoughts on that video game, that you decided not to play. It could be worse, I could not even have passing thoughts. 

I could be back in the pit. The pit of being immobilized by the depression, suicidal is my only and constant thought. So, hey, my nights are fine. No they aren’t. Fuck I am sick of wanting my brains on the wall, on the ceiling, anywhere other then my head. Fuck. Fuck you. You weak pathetic faggot. Fuck. You worthless god dramatic fucking bitch. Worthless piece of shit. Fuck you.

And yet — Much of the past week has been good. I treasure the time I function, I don’t want to write a bitch pathetic blog, I want to use that time to accomplish normal life tasks. Sometimes I can even go to the grocery store without stress. How depressing is that? I feel the need to pat myself on the back for nothing worthy of celebration.

As has become routine, I’m posting when I just wish I had  to the balls to fucking end this. I don’t. Something that makes me feel more pathetic and ducking worthless. 

More beer now and a sleeping pill or five in an hour, then waking not up to a Lamictal. And my thought typing that line, “I hope I don’t wake up.” Fuck.

And dear god, don’t respond with some life is worth it horse shit. Rationally I understand this. Unfortunately, my mind doesn’t allow me to be just rational. If you get this, you aren’t naive enough to think a virtual “hug” or “positive vibes your way” does anything. In fact, it is depressing that people can think and validate themselves on prayers and hugs, I tried to help. Fuck you.

This state makes me to wish I never told my partner about my mental struggles. That way we could have a gun in the house. I’m not capable of killing myself. But I’d enjoy pushing an empty one into the back of my throat. Just to let my body know if I keep being a bitchy shit, I’m going to opt out.

Pull the trigger you fuck