Venting. So much venting. Fuck this day. Kill me. Fucking die. I don’t want to do this fucking life.
My existence isn’t only whining. I often turn to this blog as an outlet. Ocassionaly, I rip myself apart. This has been a place I can acknowledge those thoughts.
However, I have good days. Today is one of them. Nothing spectacular. Got up, went to a bakery and ran several miles. Helped my sister with a technology issue. Took a solid nap. Picked out a few new plants for my garden and replaced a broken electrical outlet.
I am off to a friends birthday party, it should be a good time. These days are also happening more often. But always lurking the self-hatred I built and coddled for so many years.
Oh well, today I don’t need to confront it.
I’m feeling great, like Tony the Tiger “Greatttttttttt!”
Last night I passed out late without taking my Seroquel XR 200mg. Holy. Shit. I knew it made me tired, I was using it as a sleep aid. But, god. I’m up beat, maybe even a pinch jittery.
You know what I am not? In my god damn head evaluating the purpose and point of life. I’d say this is about 20% of what Adderall did for me. Adderall forcing me to live in the present is one of the reason I began to abuse it, to silence my depression.
God. So, I should drop Seroquel. Oh, wait. I tried to ween off Seroquel in October and encounter my crippling depression within a few weeks. Not merely depression, anxiety. Constant low level fear. Seroquel isn’t an optional drug.
But maybe if we try lowering the dose. Or weening off slowly.
I seen my psychiatrist in two days. The real question. To take Seroquel or not? Hmm. Oh, well. Right now I am going to go enjoy this. It is the tits.
Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg
You know what the best mood is? I do.
Much of my existence is dedicated to contemplating and fearing my moods.
My favorite? In the moment, in the moment and not even aware of my particular mood.
That is bliss.