Coddle that self-hatred, hold it dear

Venting. So much venting. Fuck this day. Kill me. Fucking die. I don’t want to do this fucking life.

My existence isn’t only whining. I often turn to this blog as an outlet. Ocassionaly, I rip myself apart. This has been a place I can acknowledge those thoughts.

However, I have good days. Today is one of them. Nothing spectacular. Got up, went to a bakery and ran several miles. Helped my sister with a technology issue. Took a solid nap. Picked out a few new plants for my garden and replaced a broken electrical outlet.

I am off to a friends birthday party, it should be a good time. These days are also happening more often. But always lurking the self-hatred I built and coddled for so many years.

Oh well, today I don’t need to confront it.


Coddle that self-hatred, hold it dear

Prescription Drug that Gets you High

473px-AdvertisementKelloggsToastedCornFlakesMotherGuess1910I’m feeling great, like Tony the Tiger “Greatttttttttt!”


How? Nuvigil.

Last night I passed out late without taking my Seroquel XR 200mg. Holy. Shit. I knew it made me tired, I was using it as a sleep aid. But, god. I’m up beat, maybe even a pinch jittery.

You know what I am not? In my god damn head evaluating the purpose and point of life. I’d say this is about 20% of what Adderall did for me. Adderall forcing me to live in the present is one of the reason I began to abuse it, to silence my depression.

God. So, I should drop Seroquel. Oh, wait. I tried to ween off Seroquel in October and encounter my crippling depression within a few weeks. Not merely depression, anxiety. Constant low level fear. Seroquel isn’t an optional drug.

But maybe if we try lowering the dose. Or weening off slowly.

I seen my psychiatrist in two days. The real question. To take Seroquel or not? Hmm. Oh, well. Right now I am going to go enjoy this. It is the tits.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg


Prescription Drug that Gets you High