Better Than Adderall

flowers-and-treesYesterday, disaster. Lowest of low. I’m not capable of killing myself, nor do I desire to. Yesterday confirmed this. So low, yet I want to decorate many Christmas trees with Dan, to take our future children to Disney World, to see our children off to college, to retire and RV around the country together. And I will have all of that.

So, I need to stop giving a fuck. I’m done. My only goal is happiness, period. I am not going to try for a second degree, or to climb the ladder. I like my niche, honestly. I am damn good at it, and so much vacation time to explore life’s other offerings.

Had a bit of anxiety towards the beginning of the day. My response, shut the fuck up head. Sure, had to say it a few times. But, it worked.

Certainly medication helped support this. Yesterday I overcame medication, I held tightly to my anxiety until it overwhelmed any meds. However, when I attempt to go with the flow, I found medication providing a steady current.

Thirty-seven days ago I stopped taking Adderall.

Today is the first day better than Adderall.

Current Meds
Lamictal 200mg
Effexor XR 75mg
Seroquel XR 300mg
Latuda 20mg(tapering off)
Caffeine Pill 400mg

Better Than Adderall

Quitting Adderall Successfully


It is over. Adderall. Over.

Last Tuesday, nine days ago, I had my first psychiatric appointment. Never, never do I lie to doctors.

Last Tuesday, I took 200 mg. In the first few minutes of the appointment, I brought up my addiction.

Hospital? No, I refused. I have never been capable of harming myself. Never. I offered up the pills from my backpack.

Then a lot of “ifs.” If Dan could stay home with me for the next three days, if he would hide all the knifes, if I would do exactly as she asked, if… Yes. Yes. Yes.

A path, I have so long yearned for a path. I knew my location was perilous but I had no idea how to escape.

How has it been? This is my first time sitting up at a computer. That is how.

Wait — that is a lie. I don’t remember posting a week ago. The first few days were easier, before Adderall had completely left my system. Huh. Interesting. The last five were some of the hardest of my life.

Today, today feel different. It has been my first acceptable day since Adderall fully left my body. I am scared of when the next one will be.

But to all you other crazy people out there, all you fighting through every day, good days, even good days post-Adderall, happen.

Good happens.



Quitting Adderall Successfully

the anxiety of happiness


Yesterday started rough. I needed to clear everything out of my old office and get settled in the new much more isolated one. Taking down pictures, it killed me.

I’ve been planning on pushing down my doses of Adderall, but it is so hard for me. Choose the day you would like to intensely concentrate on killing yourself, thanks.

Anyways, yesterday was one of those days. However, I said fuck it. I took a bit more, got up to 45 mg and certainly didn’t feel happy. But I wasn’t overwhelmed with each step. My mind gets into these loops, I preservative, always about the worst possible causes or outcomes. I am asked to move because I am disposable. And the thought was overwhelming and constant. Adderall doesn’t quiet my mind, but it allows me to focus on the outside world even if my head is chaos.

Yesterday Adderall helped, a lot. And yet, just a week ago I blogged saying it was poison. I wonder the true impact of these medications. I so desperately want to find the cause, to solve it. Rationally, I am fully aware that is not how it will work, but my mind, my mind still scrambles to fix it.

Regardless, the past couple days have been okay to good. And that is god damn incredible.

Last night, a fucking nightmare. Apparently three or four days ago I ran out of Effexor XR (Venlafaxine), didn’t even notice it. Last night I threw up nine times. Brain zaps occurred in waves and were at most a minute apart. I felt like I was about to shit my pants for a solid nine hours. Shivering, sweating, crying – it was a good time for all.

Today I’ve been good, not okay, but good. I write less when I am doing well, I just don’t think about my mood as much. In the depths of my lows I know it will never end. Good days, like today, I dread going to bed. What if I don’t get this tomorrow? I am probably having a good day because my body is relieved to have Effexor again.

Regardless, as I lay down tonight anxiety will set in, who will I be tomorrow? I’ll wonder if I get another day as that kind calm person I used to know. I like him. I miss him so.



the anxiety of happiness

Leaving the cage

Today I braved an adventure into the world. 

Over the past year, as the depth of my depression hit new heights and struck without rhyme or reason, I eliminated all parts of my life outside work and home. The world, socializing, shopping, fitness – too much of a risk. They all could trigger a crash. It seemed like everything could.

Oh, I am bipolar? Isolation won’t protect from my terrifying mood dives? Crashes weren’t caused my outside stimulus? Yet I retain all my fears of the world. I’m not sure it is over. The sadness still sneaks through at times. Weekends are spent cowering in my home. 

Not today. Today I went to the gym. 

Small and pathetic but a step. Much of my former life was sacrificed to the this illness. 

Regardless, progress. Progress.

Leaving the cage

Better than Drugs

I’m aright. Still.

If what Lamictal is doing for me right now is “normal”, it is so unfair that others get to live like this. Everything is easier.

It has been far too long since my last good workout, told myself this morning I’d go to the gym tonight. However, tonight is here and I don’t feel like it. That is that. I might go after work tomorrow, I might not. But tonight’s decision is made and I’m not torturing myself over it. Not obsessing if that is the right choice, nor feeling guilty about my choice. Nope, I made a decision. Next.

Much of my energy is spent forcing myself to complete minor tasks. My entire life would be different if I didn’t exhaust myself fighting to merely live. I think the “normal” I feel with Lamictal might be actually how people usually experience emotions. They have no idea how hard some of us must fight. God. I’m so jealous of all the “normal” people.

Normal is better than drugs.

Better than Drugs

Easier and I don’t know why

flickr_-_rainbirder_-_uphill_struggleIt does bother me. Not knowing. Not understanding. Being at the mercy of this all.

Today is better. It is good enough that I didn’t even feel the need to blog. Ha. No reason to vent I thought. However, I want to remember sometimes I am not that person. Today there were no thoughts of shooting myself. No thoughts of hanging myself. Nope. None.

Why was yesterday so bad then? I must have done something different. I’ve spent a lot of time looking for that difference. Got more sleep? Nope. Took more Adderall? Nope. Took less Adderall? Nope. Took Lamictal at different times? Nope. Took a different dose of Lamictal? Nope. Drank less or more caffeine? Nope.

Spent the last thirty minutes preping to crash. It isn’t coming. I know it. This isn’t me. Like, I wasn’t always sad without all these drugs, I experienced glimpses of normal and even happy. Never in my life have I felt like Lamictal makes me feel. That constant list of worries, to dos, disappointments, self-hate that sits in my head — it is gone. I’m not just shutting it out. Or doing a good job of ignoring it.

Feeling like this, I always try to trigger a crash. It worries me, it feels fake. I don’t get to experience existence like this. My body doesn’t trust it. That makes sense. My doctor and I agreed that planning my suicide in third grade is the first sign of Bipolar Disorder. From what we can tell, I’ve been rapid cycling since fifth grade. My body doesn’t trust “normal”, or at least Lamictal normal.

Crashing is gone. I can’t even trigger one. No matter how much I concentrate on awful things, no matter what terrible thoughts I attempt to focus on, the over-whelming anxiety and sadness doesn’t reach me.

Of course, this worries me. Why wasn’t I like this yesterday? Why? Having this be my new normal, wow. But I can’t decide that. Even if I get to stay in this place for a few days, maybe even a week, the eventual crashing is worse.

Crashing a month ago, I was already down, rock bottom wasn’t too much of a fall. But now, God. It is awful to know what life can be. What others might get to experience. Crashing now is so unbearable. I cannot believe how low I had sunk, four short weeks ago.

As I explained to my doctor last week, my biggest regret of the past year, especially the past three months, I wish I would have drank more and taken more Adderall. And I meant and mean it. Since my spiral downward happened slowly. Not until Lamictal did I comprehend how much depression had engulfed me.

So why was today different? I still don’t know. And though I appreciate and love the difference, I still worry.

Will tomorrow be back to unbearable? Will I spend the hours fighting my thoughts, trying to think of anything other then ending it? Or will it be an okay day. A day that passes and I think about a few work problems and if I should buy Girl Scout cookies, not how my brain matter would decorate that wall.

At least the burden of guilt is largely gone. No longer do I become furious with my inability to control my emotions. No, see, I am a legit crazy person.

Comforting indeed.


Easier and I don’t know why