You’re fat. Solve it or kill yourself.


Well, “friends.” I don’t have friends, Dan does. But we only kinda know these people.

I have had one beer. I am sitting here silent, now writing a blog. My mind is preoccupied with destroying myself.

I weighed myself before going to the bar. Fucking mistake. I’ve been dieting, last weighed myself a week ago and was down 15lbs. Still up 40lbs since starting Seroquel. Before all this, God, I’d been the same weight since I was fifteen. Now, Christ.

Well, as of today I’ve gained back 8lbs. Fuck.

I need to stop fucking eating. I fucking hate my fat fucking discusting body. I wouldn’t fuck me. Fuck.

I am still at the top end of the technical “healthy” weight range for my height. But that is horse shit. I have this belly, I have fat on my stomach. It is fucking discusting. I’m gay fat. 

I need to stop eating or fucking blow my God damn brains out. Fuck you, you fat fuck. I fucking hate you. Kill your fucking self.

And now, back to sitting silently at this table and listening to everyone else talk.

Kill yourself you fuck.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

You’re fat. Solve it or kill yourself.

Why do you hate yourself?

1900 - eight nation alliance

Oh, I know why. There is always a why. It starts with one or two thoughts, and then you spiral. You think of more and more reasons you are a worthless piece of shit. Go.

  • Fat
  • Working a job beneath you, yet you stay
  • Lazy
  • Slow
  • A mess
  • Desperate
  • Stupid, go do something worthwhile
  • Under-educated
  • Depressed
  • Disappear tomorrow, no one would fucking care
  • Weak
  • Mentally ill, mentally fucking weak
  • Boring, get a fucking hobby
  • Socially awkward, find a friend
  • Self pietying
  • Pathetic, waste time on this blog you fuck
  • A failure, go get a real education or job
  • A quitter, I probably should even try
  • Scared
  • Crave fucking attention
  • Crazy
  • Whiny, I hate you
  • Fucked
  • Dependent on your meds
  • Poor, fuck you
  • Unhealthy, eat more shit you shit
  • Ugly, why? look above, christ
  • Forgettable, why would they invite you
  • Shitty
  • Friendless, and you deserve it
  • Unlovable
  • Effeminate
  • God damn drug addict
  • Med abuser
  • You use alcohol sometimes to escape your problems
  • Really weak
  • Alone
  • Gay, homo, fag, fairy, fatty
  • Die
  • Christ, fuck you

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Why do you hate yourself?

You worthless drug addict

Take more medication. It will help. Take more than prescribed, it will help. They don’t get what this feels like, they would do the same. They don’t know the burden.

Fuck off. Medications have seemed so right lately. I’m not taking more. It’d make it tempting to take meds when feeling  down, when feeling a bit off.

But yesterday, not awful, but difficult. Many thoughts about wanting to die, thirty, maybe fifty. Life, worthless and pointless.

Take more. 

No.

Do you want another yesterday? Take just a quarter more, it’s 62.5 milligrams added to the 250mg prescribed. It isn’t much. Take more. It will help.

No.

Take more.

And then I rushed to the pill bottle, split one into quarters and swallowed it quickly. Relief. The stress of the debate was over. Will my mood improve? Likely. I’ll feel more alive for several hours. And what worthless drug dependent shitty fag depressive doesn’t deserve that?

Me.

You worthless drug addict

My hero

Yes, I just titled a post that. Yes, I stand by it. No one would accuse me of being the romantic type. But I have the most wonderful partner.

Before I dive into this post I must say, to those who don’t have a family member or friend backing you up, I can’t imagine the strength. 

Tonight I began feeling real anxious. Everything became stressful. What if I have a bad day at work tomorrow? What if I get fired? What if Dan gets overwhelmed and leaves me? What if…

After a little while of this spiraling I told Dan I was suddenly feeling anxious and lonely. I laid down in our bed. 

“Get up. We are going on a walk,” Dan wasn’t going to watch me sulk. 

I resisted some, but within a few minutes we were wandering around our neighborhood. I told him all the stressful thoughts that popped into my head, he pointed out these times pass.  We both agreed that this was likely caused by my second dose of Nuvigil. I only took three-quarters of my dose because yesterday I experience intense anxiety. This was definitely less intense but still rendered me useless.

We walked for about a half hour, it seemed to have faded some. Getting home I realized some of the tension, the racing thoughts, the fear remained. I shuffled off to the bed to wait it out. It usually ends after an hour or so, it seems most tense six hours into my second Nuvigil dose.

Dan followed me to bed. Without saying a word he laid down and held tightly onto me, keeping me in this world, less in my mind. Dan is very busy at work, he already has too much to do, yet he laid there and comforted me. It was another twenty minutes or so before the anxiety actually faded. Dan then left me to rest and made us dinner.

This last year or so, absolute hell. Especially hell for Dan. I can’t imagine, I’d never choose this, choose to be present or near the endless negativity, fear and hopelessness I fight everyday. Dan could walk away. He could say enough. Instead, he holds on tight until the fear subsides. He is strong even when I’m not.

I’m eager to have a solid medication cocktail, to stabilize (working on it), to fall into a more routine and normal life.

I’m eager to turn my attention from fighting my demons to fighting to be the man Dan deserves. Someday, someday soon.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

My hero