Stimulants Cure Depression

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I’ll keep this short. Sorry for always taking so much of your time.

My mornings are always rough, sometimes it lasts, sometimes it does. By early evening I am always fine, often after 10:00am I am fine. Today has been rough, but I think I am doing okay now. But i don’t know, i usually don’t worry about my mood when i feel like i am doing good.

Medication isn’t going to fix everything, maybe it has done all it can. But every single day I start off with 100lbs weight around my neck. Everything is more difficult. I am more absent, in my head, it seems like I have to force myself to do anything.

Dan and I are moving to a new state, a new life in just a few months. I am better than I have ever been, but I hope medication can do just a pinch more. I guess the move has me scared about all this. I dont know when I’ll find a doctor and if they will be as competition as you.

Vyvanse does worry me, but starting every single day of the rest of my life like this also scares me. I just read that Nuvigil takes a few hours to get into your system, but Provigil, not being extended release seems to have an impact sooner. Maybe that is worth looking into. Or maybe a very small responsible amount of Vyvanse.

This is long again. I am sorry. I am trying. Thank you for everything. Sorry about the email last week, when down it is extremely hard to actually talk to someone, to socialize in any form.

Sorry, this isn’t short. I’ll see you in a week. Sorry for taking more of your time.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Stimulants Cure Depression

Why do you hate yourself?

1900 - eight nation alliance

Oh, I know why. There is always a why. It starts with one or two thoughts, and then you spiral. You think of more and more reasons you are a worthless piece of shit. Go.

  • Fat
  • Working a job beneath you, yet you stay
  • Lazy
  • Slow
  • A mess
  • Desperate
  • Stupid, go do something worthwhile
  • Under-educated
  • Depressed
  • Disappear tomorrow, no one would fucking care
  • Weak
  • Mentally ill, mentally fucking weak
  • Boring, get a fucking hobby
  • Socially awkward, find a friend
  • Self pietying
  • Pathetic, waste time on this blog you fuck
  • A failure, go get a real education or job
  • A quitter, I probably should even try
  • Scared
  • Crave fucking attention
  • Crazy
  • Whiny, I hate you
  • Fucked
  • Dependent on your meds
  • Poor, fuck you
  • Unhealthy, eat more shit you shit
  • Ugly, why? look above, christ
  • Forgettable, why would they invite you
  • Shitty
  • Friendless, and you deserve it
  • Unlovable
  • Effeminate
  • God damn drug addict
  • Med abuser
  • You use alcohol sometimes to escape your problems
  • Really weak
  • Alone
  • Gay, homo, fag, fairy, fatty
  • Die
  • Christ, fuck you

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Why do you hate yourself?

You are never enough

Right now I feel guilty. My morning has started off slow.

I woke up late, 9am, and have done nothing. I watched some TV and played video games for several hours. I often do this on weekends while waiting for Nuvigil to kick in.

My psychiatrist has me taking half a pill of Nuvigil in the morning and half in the afternoon. After a few hours and still feeling like Nuvigil hadn’t kicked in I took a fourth a pill, meaning I have about 190mg in my system.

I often wonder if I am enjoying something or simply passing time. TV, video games, I think I enjoy. But this morning felt more like passing time. Relaxing, yeah, but not sure about it being more than that, not sure about enjoyment.

Guilt, I always feel guilty. Having done nothing all morning is unfortunate. I expect myself to be more productive with my time, I’m always a disappointment. Honestly, there isn’t really much I need to do, house is clean, worked out, did some budgetting yesterday, but still guilty.

Finally I made myself get up and on the computer. I figured I’d find something to do slightly less guilt inducing. Hopefully blogging counts.

But guilt? I am always guilty. There is always something better to do. This isn’t something I only believe for myself, I believe it for mankind. I am never enough. You are never enough.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 1pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

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You are never enough

Pull the trigger you fuck

 I’ve been sad for much of the day. Issues at work prompted this sadness, but they are actually issues, I have a tangible reason for my sadness. That is odd, a good odd.

It only dipped into the familiar sucidal thoughts occasionally, not the constant and debilitating thoughts Im use to

I’ve been on Lamictal at 200mg for over two weeks, it is definitely helping. Today, knowing it was going to be rough, I also took to much Adderall, out of fear and desperation. I don’t want to go back to the non-functional state of just a few months ago. I’m not going to tolerate constant thoughts of suicidal anymore. So, instead I’m using drugs.

After twelve hours Lamictal stops helping. Always. And I know the second it stops. Yesterday I reached out to grab a cup, brushed against my stomach that has lost all trace of the decade long earned six-pack of six months ago. As my arm pushed against the new fat, my thought, “You have turned into a fat disgusting unfuckable shit. Kill yourself.” Yep, my mind at work.

That is where I am. Not sure if tonight if the coming down from a substantial dose of Adderall is also contributing, it does sometimes but not always. And I do dip at the twelve nourish point. Technically, I’m fairly close to my the six-week mark, the point it is entirely in your system. Lamictal has been a godsend. 

However, getting twelve hours of peace, knowing how a brain can work, entirely foreign to my own, the depressive streak in my nights is even more unbearable. I debate, well you’re not only thinking of suicide. You did have thirty seconds of thoughts on that video game, that you decided not to play. It could be worse, I could not even have passing thoughts. 

I could be back in the pit. The pit of being immobilized by the depression, suicidal is my only and constant thought. So, hey, my nights are fine. No they aren’t. Fuck I am sick of wanting my brains on the wall, on the ceiling, anywhere other then my head. Fuck. Fuck you. You weak pathetic faggot. Fuck. You worthless god dramatic fucking bitch. Worthless piece of shit. Fuck you.

And yet — Much of the past week has been good. I treasure the time I function, I don’t want to write a bitch pathetic blog, I want to use that time to accomplish normal life tasks. Sometimes I can even go to the grocery store without stress. How depressing is that? I feel the need to pat myself on the back for nothing worthy of celebration.

As has become routine, I’m posting when I just wish I had  to the balls to fucking end this. I don’t. Something that makes me feel more pathetic and ducking worthless. 

More beer now and a sleeping pill or five in an hour, then waking not up to a Lamictal. And my thought typing that line, “I hope I don’t wake up.” Fuck.

And dear god, don’t respond with some life is worth it horse shit. Rationally I understand this. Unfortunately, my mind doesn’t allow me to be just rational. If you get this, you aren’t naive enough to think a virtual “hug” or “positive vibes your way” does anything. In fact, it is depressing that people can think and validate themselves on prayers and hugs, I tried to help. Fuck you.

This state makes me to wish I never told my partner about my mental struggles. That way we could have a gun in the house. I’m not capable of killing myself. But I’d enjoy pushing an empty one into the back of my throat. Just to let my body know if I keep being a bitchy shit, I’m going to opt out.

Pull the trigger you fuck