Stimulants Cure Depression

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I’ll keep this short. Sorry for always taking so much of your time.

My mornings are always rough, sometimes it lasts, sometimes it does. By early evening I am always fine, often after 10:00am I am fine. Today has been rough, but I think I am doing okay now. But i don’t know, i usually don’t worry about my mood when i feel like i am doing good.

Medication isn’t going to fix everything, maybe it has done all it can. But every single day I start off with 100lbs weight around my neck. Everything is more difficult. I am more absent, in my head, it seems like I have to force myself to do anything.

Dan and I are moving to a new state, a new life in just a few months. I am better than I have ever been, but I hope medication can do just a pinch more. I guess the move has me scared about all this. I dont know when I’ll find a doctor and if they will be as competition as you.

Vyvanse does worry me, but starting every single day of the rest of my life like this also scares me. I just read that Nuvigil takes a few hours to get into your system, but Provigil, not being extended release seems to have an impact sooner. Maybe that is worth looking into. Or maybe a very small responsible amount of Vyvanse.

This is long again. I am sorry. I am trying. Thank you for everything. Sorry about the email last week, when down it is extremely hard to actually talk to someone, to socialize in any form.

Sorry, this isn’t short. I’ll see you in a week. Sorry for taking more of your time.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Stimulants Cure Depression

Why do you hate yourself?

1900 - eight nation alliance

Oh, I know why. There is always a why. It starts with one or two thoughts, and then you spiral. You think of more and more reasons you are a worthless piece of shit. Go.

  • Fat
  • Working a job beneath you, yet you stay
  • Lazy
  • Slow
  • A mess
  • Desperate
  • Stupid, go do something worthwhile
  • Under-educated
  • Depressed
  • Disappear tomorrow, no one would fucking care
  • Weak
  • Mentally ill, mentally fucking weak
  • Boring, get a fucking hobby
  • Socially awkward, find a friend
  • Self pietying
  • Pathetic, waste time on this blog you fuck
  • A failure, go get a real education or job
  • A quitter, I probably should even try
  • Scared
  • Crave fucking attention
  • Crazy
  • Whiny, I hate you
  • Fucked
  • Dependent on your meds
  • Poor, fuck you
  • Unhealthy, eat more shit you shit
  • Ugly, why? look above, christ
  • Forgettable, why would they invite you
  • Shitty
  • Friendless, and you deserve it
  • Unlovable
  • Effeminate
  • God damn drug addict
  • Med abuser
  • You use alcohol sometimes to escape your problems
  • Really weak
  • Alone
  • Gay, homo, fag, fairy, fatty
  • Die
  • Christ, fuck you

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Why do you hate yourself?

You worthless drug addict

Take more medication. It will help. Take more than prescribed, it will help. They don’t get what this feels like, they would do the same. They don’t know the burden.

Fuck off. Medications have seemed so right lately. I’m not taking more. It’d make it tempting to take meds when feeling  down, when feeling a bit off.

But yesterday, not awful, but difficult. Many thoughts about wanting to die, thirty, maybe fifty. Life, worthless and pointless.

Take more. 

No.

Do you want another yesterday? Take just a quarter more, it’s 62.5 milligrams added to the 250mg prescribed. It isn’t much. Take more. It will help.

No.

Take more.

And then I rushed to the pill bottle, split one into quarters and swallowed it quickly. Relief. The stress of the debate was over. Will my mood improve? Likely. I’ll feel more alive for several hours. And what worthless drug dependent shitty fag depressive doesn’t deserve that?

Me.

You worthless drug addict