Yes, I just titled a post that. Yes, I stand by it. No one would accuse me of being the romantic type. But I have the most wonderful partner.
Before I dive into this post I must say, to those who don’t have a family member or friend backing you up, I can’t imagine the strength.
Tonight I began feeling real anxious. Everything became stressful. What if I have a bad day at work tomorrow? What if I get fired? What if Dan gets overwhelmed and leaves me? What if…
After a little while of this spiraling I told Dan I was suddenly feeling anxious and lonely. I laid down in our bed.
“Get up. We are going on a walk,” Dan wasn’t going to watch me sulk.
I resisted some, but within a few minutes we were wandering around our neighborhood. I told him all the stressful thoughts that popped into my head, he pointed out these times pass. We both agreed that this was likely caused by my second dose of Nuvigil. I only took three-quarters of my dose because yesterday I experience intense anxiety. This was definitely less intense but still rendered me useless.
We walked for about a half hour, it seemed to have faded some. Getting home I realized some of the tension, the racing thoughts, the fear remained. I shuffled off to the bed to wait it out. It usually ends after an hour or so, it seems most tense six hours into my second Nuvigil dose.
Dan followed me to bed. Without saying a word he laid down and held tightly onto me, keeping me in this world, less in my mind. Dan is very busy at work, he already has too much to do, yet he laid there and comforted me. It was another twenty minutes or so before the anxiety actually faded. Dan then left me to rest and made us dinner.
This last year or so, absolute hell. Especially hell for Dan. I can’t imagine, I’d never choose this, choose to be present or near the endless negativity, fear and hopelessness I fight everyday. Dan could walk away. He could say enough. Instead, he holds on tight until the fear subsides. He is strong even when I’m not.
I’m eager to have a solid medication cocktail, to stabilize (working on it), to fall into a more routine and normal life.
I’m eager to turn my attention from fighting my demons to fighting to be the man Dan deserves. Someday, someday soon.
Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300