Why do you hate yourself?

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Oh, I know why. There is always a why. It starts with one or two thoughts, and then you spiral. You think of more and more reasons you are a worthless piece of shit. Go.

  • Fat
  • Working a job beneath you, yet you stay
  • Lazy
  • Slow
  • A mess
  • Desperate
  • Stupid, go do something worthwhile
  • Under-educated
  • Depressed
  • Disappear tomorrow, no one would fucking care
  • Weak
  • Mentally ill, mentally fucking weak
  • Boring, get a fucking hobby
  • Socially awkward, find a friend
  • Self pietying
  • Pathetic, waste time on this blog you fuck
  • A failure, go get a real education or job
  • A quitter, I probably should even try
  • Scared
  • Crave fucking attention
  • Crazy
  • Whiny, I hate you
  • Fucked
  • Dependent on your meds
  • Poor, fuck you
  • Unhealthy, eat more shit you shit
  • Ugly, why? look above, christ
  • Forgettable, why would they invite you
  • Shitty
  • Friendless, and you deserve it
  • Unlovable
  • Effeminate
  • God damn drug addict
  • Med abuser
  • You use alcohol sometimes to escape your problems
  • Really weak
  • Alone
  • Gay, homo, fag, fairy, fatty
  • Die
  • Christ, fuck you

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

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Why do you hate yourself?

Missing Anxiety 

Blogging less lately, it means I’m doing alright. Most of my blogs are done to allow me to vent. There is no need to vent when I’m doing alright.

I think I’ve finally found a medication cocktail I can live with. I’ve been splitting up my 250mg Nuvigil, half of it when I wake up, a quarter four hours later and another quarter two hours after that. If I take the entire dose at once I’m overwhelmed with anxiety.

However, anxiety often still hits in the evening, I believe because of Nuvigil wearing off. I’ve been taking 50mg of Seroquel IR and definitely helps.

Taking Nuvigil like this means it doesn’t help me get things done, at least not like I had hoped. I have to fight tremendously hard to force me to read and respond to emails at work. However, I tried taking a half dose of Nuvigil, the day went horribly. I watched the click and counted the minutes until I could leave work. I felt like an observer of my day, not present, not a participant in it.

I’m frustrated, tomorrow I will take Nuvigil and hope I can squeeze enough work out that no one notices I’m barely hanging on. I fear I might be this unmotivated person I have been fighting every day.

Oh well, I guess feeling absent is better than anxiety. I think.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg (tappeing), Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

Missing Anxiety 

My hero

Yes, I just titled a post that. Yes, I stand by it. No one would accuse me of being the romantic type. But I have the most wonderful partner.

Before I dive into this post I must say, to those who don’t have a family member or friend backing you up, I can’t imagine the strength. 

Tonight I began feeling real anxious. Everything became stressful. What if I have a bad day at work tomorrow? What if I get fired? What if Dan gets overwhelmed and leaves me? What if…

After a little while of this spiraling I told Dan I was suddenly feeling anxious and lonely. I laid down in our bed. 

“Get up. We are going on a walk,” Dan wasn’t going to watch me sulk. 

I resisted some, but within a few minutes we were wandering around our neighborhood. I told him all the stressful thoughts that popped into my head, he pointed out these times pass.  We both agreed that this was likely caused by my second dose of Nuvigil. I only took three-quarters of my dose because yesterday I experience intense anxiety. This was definitely less intense but still rendered me useless.

We walked for about a half hour, it seemed to have faded some. Getting home I realized some of the tension, the racing thoughts, the fear remained. I shuffled off to the bed to wait it out. It usually ends after an hour or so, it seems most tense six hours into my second Nuvigil dose.

Dan followed me to bed. Without saying a word he laid down and held tightly onto me, keeping me in this world, less in my mind. Dan is very busy at work, he already has too much to do, yet he laid there and comforted me. It was another twenty minutes or so before the anxiety actually faded. Dan then left me to rest and made us dinner.

This last year or so, absolute hell. Especially hell for Dan. I can’t imagine, I’d never choose this, choose to be present or near the endless negativity, fear and hopelessness I fight everyday. Dan could walk away. He could say enough. Instead, he holds on tight until the fear subsides. He is strong even when I’m not.

I’m eager to have a solid medication cocktail, to stabilize (working on it), to fall into a more routine and normal life.

I’m eager to turn my attention from fighting my demons to fighting to be the man Dan deserves. Someday, someday soon.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

My hero

I’m going to fucking make it better

woman-1940On Thursday I had another appointment with my psychiatrist, it is almost a biweekly event.

I’ve been alright, I guess. Not good. But not always anxious and not to many suicidal thoughts. A desire to live? None. I said that with the litany of medications we have tried, it seems my expectations are too great. Medication helps silence the anxiety, it helps to level out my mood, it numbs.

I don’t believe medication can or will provide me a desire to live. That scares me.

I have none.

Well, maybe I do. I am feeling more anxious in this moment, more than I have been today. It is what got me up and blogging. However, I am realizing that Nuvigil might be kicking in. Curious. Well, maybe not so curious.

Adderall gave me horrendous anxiety, as I increased Nuvigil it did as well. That is why I we starting dividing my dose, half in the morning and half in the afternoon. However, maybe just less. I am always resistant to less stimulants because the functionality they provide. This so clearly makes sense though.

Fingers crossed it helps. I’m done hoping it gets better. I’m going to fucking make it better.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 12pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg (tappeing), Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

I’m going to fucking make it better

I started this while crying…

I’m sitting in my living room singing to myself. It has been a rough day. 

Dan is working late tonight. I haven’t really talked to anyone today. I think that is part of why I am still sad right now. 

I’ve been singing to myself, yeah, like a crazy person. Not sure if it has been helping, but it might keep me a bit in the moment.

“The day was long, long, long, It was hard, hard, hard, but you were strong, strong, strong.”

It’s true. I had a positive work review, made myself eat lunch with people instead of by myself and did it all with a persistent level of anxiety.

I think the anxiety came from taking my Nuvigil close together. The day started off rough, I just seemed down. I take half of my Nuvigil when I get up, 125mg, and the rest near lunch. Instead, I took another fourth an hour into my day and the rest two hours later. 

However, I ended up being anxious all day. I’m pretty sure it was due to the amount I took so close together. The coat of anxiety was very similar to what Adderall started doing to me after I’d abused it for a while.

I’ve stopped crying while writing this. I am proud of myself. It was a fucking awful day. And I didn’t do fine, I rocked it. I fully functioned, impressed my boss and had the courage to be a little social.

Tomorrow, yeah I’m still a bit worried. It can’t be worse though, well, I hope not.

I started this while crying…

Make. This. Stop.

2551216998_3704392857_b9:15am
Facing my depression is the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn’t reach this conclusion lightly. Coming out was biggest challenge I had ever faced. Not sure my conservative family and friends would abandon me, preparing myself for some ruined relationship, making sure I was emotionally distant enough to ensure the ending of familiar relationship would not be catastrophic.
I wake up every morning scared. To face the day, scared of the various and plentiful triggers that developed over the past few years. What if I get a difficult email? What if I have to engage in an awkward social interaction? What if I feel tired all day and slack off at work? What if…. I stay scared for the first three to four hours of everyday.
Once Nuvigil kicks in my mind calms. It stops feeling overwhelmed by the variety of challenges I might face that day. Instead I can focus on the now, I can take my day step by step. Nothing seems impossible when I can get my head out of the clouds and into the now.
Today I am worried. By this time I am usually no longer struggling with my fear and desires to die. I just took the second part of my Nuvigil dose, desperation. Make it stop. Nobody deserves this.
I wish I had the bottle, I’d take more. It is times like this I stop caring.

10:45am
It has largely faded. Why? I don’t know. Maybe that last fourth of Nuvigil kicked in. I can’t tell you how wonderful the relief is. It just disappears for a bit, life ceases to be overwhelming for a few hours a day.

11:13am
I’m doing better. I can be in the moment more. This is so hard. The part that scares me most is the hopelessness of it all. We have tried so many meds, and yet I have found only partial relief. I don’t imagine any darastic new improvements. It seems this is where I’ll be. Maybe I’ll get used to. Maybe I will stop having such relentless desires to die, maybe.
I deserve this. My anxiety was always an issue. Now it is worse. But it appears to be worse due to my years of abusing Adderall. That is what I get for trying to skip my depressive episodes using stimulants.
Guilty. Always guilty. God, and this is me doing good. Right now I am at the best I’ve felt all day. And this is it.
I need to plan something this evening, something to look forward to. But I doubt I will come up with anything. Maybe I will. But I won’t actually look forward to it. I am just passing time. I don’t give a fuck about anything – anything other than this. This I give a fuck about. Make. This. Stop.

Make. This. Stop.