My hero

Yes, I just titled a post that. Yes, I stand by it. No one would accuse me of being the romantic type. But I have the most wonderful partner.

Before I dive into this post I must say, to those who don’t have a family member or friend backing you up, I can’t imagine the strength. 

Tonight I began feeling real anxious. Everything became stressful. What if I have a bad day at work tomorrow? What if I get fired? What if Dan gets overwhelmed and leaves me? What if…

After a little while of this spiraling I told Dan I was suddenly feeling anxious and lonely. I laid down in our bed. 

“Get up. We are going on a walk,” Dan wasn’t going to watch me sulk. 

I resisted some, but within a few minutes we were wandering around our neighborhood. I told him all the stressful thoughts that popped into my head, he pointed out these times pass.  We both agreed that this was likely caused by my second dose of Nuvigil. I only took three-quarters of my dose because yesterday I experience intense anxiety. This was definitely less intense but still rendered me useless.

We walked for about a half hour, it seemed to have faded some. Getting home I realized some of the tension, the racing thoughts, the fear remained. I shuffled off to the bed to wait it out. It usually ends after an hour or so, it seems most tense six hours into my second Nuvigil dose.

Dan followed me to bed. Without saying a word he laid down and held tightly onto me, keeping me in this world, less in my mind. Dan is very busy at work, he already has too much to do, yet he laid there and comforted me. It was another twenty minutes or so before the anxiety actually faded. Dan then left me to rest and made us dinner.

This last year or so, absolute hell. Especially hell for Dan. I can’t imagine, I’d never choose this, choose to be present or near the endless negativity, fear and hopelessness I fight everyday. Dan could walk away. He could say enough. Instead, he holds on tight until the fear subsides. He is strong even when I’m not.

I’m eager to have a solid medication cocktail, to stabilize (working on it), to fall into a more routine and normal life.

I’m eager to turn my attention from fighting my demons to fighting to be the man Dan deserves. Someday, someday soon.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

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My hero

I started this while crying…

I’m sitting in my living room singing to myself. It has been a rough day. 

Dan is working late tonight. I haven’t really talked to anyone today. I think that is part of why I am still sad right now. 

I’ve been singing to myself, yeah, like a crazy person. Not sure if it has been helping, but it might keep me a bit in the moment.

“The day was long, long, long, It was hard, hard, hard, but you were strong, strong, strong.”

It’s true. I had a positive work review, made myself eat lunch with people instead of by myself and did it all with a persistent level of anxiety.

I think the anxiety came from taking my Nuvigil close together. The day started off rough, I just seemed down. I take half of my Nuvigil when I get up, 125mg, and the rest near lunch. Instead, I took another fourth an hour into my day and the rest two hours later. 

However, I ended up being anxious all day. I’m pretty sure it was due to the amount I took so close together. The coat of anxiety was very similar to what Adderall started doing to me after I’d abused it for a while.

I’ve stopped crying while writing this. I am proud of myself. It was a fucking awful day. And I didn’t do fine, I rocked it. I fully functioned, impressed my boss and had the courage to be a little social.

Tomorrow, yeah I’m still a bit worried. It can’t be worse though, well, I hope not.

I started this while crying…

Make. This. Stop.

2551216998_3704392857_b9:15am
Facing my depression is the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn’t reach this conclusion lightly. Coming out was biggest challenge I had ever faced. Not sure my conservative family and friends would abandon me, preparing myself for some ruined relationship, making sure I was emotionally distant enough to ensure the ending of familiar relationship would not be catastrophic.
I wake up every morning scared. To face the day, scared of the various and plentiful triggers that developed over the past few years. What if I get a difficult email? What if I have to engage in an awkward social interaction? What if I feel tired all day and slack off at work? What if…. I stay scared for the first three to four hours of everyday.
Once Nuvigil kicks in my mind calms. It stops feeling overwhelmed by the variety of challenges I might face that day. Instead I can focus on the now, I can take my day step by step. Nothing seems impossible when I can get my head out of the clouds and into the now.
Today I am worried. By this time I am usually no longer struggling with my fear and desires to die. I just took the second part of my Nuvigil dose, desperation. Make it stop. Nobody deserves this.
I wish I had the bottle, I’d take more. It is times like this I stop caring.

10:45am
It has largely faded. Why? I don’t know. Maybe that last fourth of Nuvigil kicked in. I can’t tell you how wonderful the relief is. It just disappears for a bit, life ceases to be overwhelming for a few hours a day.

11:13am
I’m doing better. I can be in the moment more. This is so hard. The part that scares me most is the hopelessness of it all. We have tried so many meds, and yet I have found only partial relief. I don’t imagine any darastic new improvements. It seems this is where I’ll be. Maybe I’ll get used to. Maybe I will stop having such relentless desires to die, maybe.
I deserve this. My anxiety was always an issue. Now it is worse. But it appears to be worse due to my years of abusing Adderall. That is what I get for trying to skip my depressive episodes using stimulants.
Guilty. Always guilty. God, and this is me doing good. Right now I am at the best I’ve felt all day. And this is it.
I need to plan something this evening, something to look forward to. But I doubt I will come up with anything. Maybe I will. But I won’t actually look forward to it. I am just passing time. I don’t give a fuck about anything – anything other than this. This I give a fuck about. Make. This. Stop.

Make. This. Stop.

Bad, suicide, fine, good repeat

My days are very predictable. Nuvigil has provided the best quality of life since quitting Adderall. Seroquel eliminates the constant state of minor panic, Nuvigil fights the letheragy of the depression and the tiredness Seroquel caused.

It is far from ideal. As shown below my mood bounces around. The lows are less hopeless because I know they’ll fade in a few hours. Nuvigil also provides more stability than Vyvanse did, both the high and lows were more severe.

At least life has been getting better one mediocre day at a time.

Bad, suicide, fine, good repeat

You are never enough

Right now I feel guilty. My morning has started off slow.

I woke up late, 9am, and have done nothing. I watched some TV and played video games for several hours. I often do this on weekends while waiting for Nuvigil to kick in.

My psychiatrist has me taking half a pill of Nuvigil in the morning and half in the afternoon. After a few hours and still feeling like Nuvigil hadn’t kicked in I took a fourth a pill, meaning I have about 190mg in my system.

I often wonder if I am enjoying something or simply passing time. TV, video games, I think I enjoy. But this morning felt more like passing time. Relaxing, yeah, but not sure about it being more than that, not sure about enjoyment.

Guilt, I always feel guilty. Having done nothing all morning is unfortunate. I expect myself to be more productive with my time, I’m always a disappointment. Honestly, there isn’t really much I need to do, house is clean, worked out, did some budgetting yesterday, but still guilty.

Finally I made myself get up and on the computer. I figured I’d find something to do slightly less guilt inducing. Hopefully blogging counts.

But guilt? I am always guilty. There is always something better to do. This isn’t something I only believe for myself, I believe it for mankind. I am never enough. You are never enough.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 1pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

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You are never enough

Pass time for another fifty fucking years 

God. I am tired. I feel down, I should die. No, I should kill myself. Why? No. You don’t want to do that.

But that is a lie, you do think life is pointless. Dude, don’t do this to yourself. Don’t. I wish someone was here, they could reach inside my mind and help me fight.

You are so weak. You can’t fight this alone. Yet there is no other choice. You lose.

Like always you lose. It is true. Even when you are not depressed, your depressed mind is truth. Life is pointless. You are pointless. 

Pass time for another fifty fucking years and disappear. Fuck.

Fuck.

Pass time for another fifty fucking years 

Split Nuvigil, Split Mind

My psychiatrist has me splitting Nuvigil now. 125mg when I wake up, 125mg around noon. I do have less anxiety in the morning now. Actually, my morning is fine, maybe on the goodish side of fine. 

Like Adderall used to do, Nuvigil is masking my mood. Life is still pointless. We are still nothing. Out of the billions of planets and celestial bodies, humans are nothing.

Yet, I can think about other things. Push the depressive thoughts out of my mind and accomplish daily tasks. I’m grateful for that. 

And yet again, I am going to complain a bit. I wish I wanted to live instead of merely avoiding the fact that I want to die.

Oh well, small victories.

Split Nuvigil, Split Mind