drug addict faggot die

CaptureYesterday, awful. Worst crash I’ve had in a while. Not only did I get to think about putting a gun in my mouth and ending my piece of shit self, I also toyed with the idea of hanging my fat ass. You know, just to spice things up.

I’ve been reassigned to a new office at work. This office is pretty isolated. You know what is fun? Hiding at work and crying because you are a fucking faggot. Good crying, the type of crying where you sit on the floor and your tears mix with your snot and end up in a long string clinging to the carpet.

Below is the data from the Google Form I use to keep track of mood. Below that is an hour by hour breakdown of how much Adderall in my system. Just to highlight to myself that I am a piece of shit drug addict fuck.

The amount is all Adderall. The amount I took? Horrifying. Disgusting. But, I just wanted to make it stop. Just make it stop. Today I took off. Because I am weak bitch and would have fucking lost it moving all my shit to the new office.

Greatest hits, the stuff I say to just fucking destroy me, are bolded.

Fun times.

spread total

*Siri wrote a shit ton of this, also I’m better with numbers then letters

Time Amount Comment Mood Energy Head Focus
2/24/16 6:30AM 15
2/24/16 7:01AM 15
2/24/16 7:46AM 7.5
2/24/16 8:36AM 7.5
2/24/16 9:10AM 15
2/24/16 9:25AM Been doing good and then of course I allowed a gap i guess, i feel guilty about taking so much. I am still good but i can already feel it, already worried about my mood. i hate me.
2/24/16 10:11AM 7.5 Doing fine, just scared. I don’t want gaps. I’d love a day of not thinking and hoping for my own death. 3 3 4 5
2/24/16 10:16AM 7.5 did i put this in a minute ago??
2/24/16 11:45AM And I am thinking about pills again. I am not aiming for any high, I just hate thinking about killing myself. I do it so often now. Did pills cause this? I don’t know. Maybe. But the pills no just provide me relief.
2/24/16 11:45AM 5 4 3 3
2/24/16 12:10PM 7.5 17 minutes ago, like always fucking guilty but it is so fucking awful without. Fuck.
2/24/16 1:23PM 7.5 Last bit of pill I have with me. I bet I’m a wreck at 3:30, or is it something. Or is that in my head? Probably. Fuck you 4 4 3 3
2/24/16 2:16PM Already thinking of meds. Feeling okay but fucking scared that if bad happens I’m on my own
2/24/16 2:41PM Already fighting the desire to end. Is this real? Is this something I am triggering out of fear of not having any left. I am not sure why. It doesnt feel like something I am doing. Maybe it is caused because even a slight drop causes depression,
my body demands more. But, I dont know. I used to feel like this. It just seems to have increased. I guess I would try to fight it more. And often fail. Now that I know I shouldnt have to bear this, that this isnt normal, it is just exhausting.
I need it gone. Or I will want myself gone. Sigh.
2/24/16 2:48PM I was just told I do need to move offices. I am going to be so isolated over in the new office. I walked it, it is a tenth of a mile from all others in my department. It is going to be so much easier to hide when I am sad. To be alone. To concentrate
on fucking killing myself. I am now sitting in an empty office crying and hiding. Fuck. Fuck you.
2/24/16 2:56PM I am just sitting here and crying. Yeah, I am a fucking adult. Jesus. Fuck. I hate this. I hate me
2/24/16 4:25PM After most people left work I well I don’t start to feel better. I just started moving my shit. It’s always reassuring to know your disposable. And I was so pathetic with my bosses I told them how I would kind of killed me. I wish I made enough
of a contribution that they weren’t OK moving me. I’m good at what I do. I work goddamn hard. I love every minute of it. My reviews are always very good. Which I guess is why they were OK just moving me, because I’m a team player. I wonder how
often I will just want to shoot myself in the face hiding over there. I’m still OK just now but I’m scared. Or maybe I’m not my
2/24/16 4:27PM My mood has stabilized. Someone. I am still very aware, we can all right? I’m already thinking 90 mg. And when I get home I’m going to make more. I’m a piece of shit drug attic who scared to nine and I don’t MI scared or do I just want more goddamn
drugs now I’m working myself up about this I could probably be fine tonight but what if I’m not. And I’d like to do things and not just fucking hate myself and I’ll think about it And now I’m probably just being dramatic and saying the shit so
I can justify that I’m a goddamn drug attic. But on the meds I just don’t think about fucking killing myself.
2/24/16 4:38PM I think my mood would be stable if I stopped attacking myself. I don’t know if I I don’t know. I don’t attack myself like this on meds. But maybe if I stop trying or did it finally I would stay stable I just keep thinking about terrible shit. Why
I’m fucking worthless. I’m a goddamn drug attic. Shitty health insurance stuff that I’m wasting so much goddamn money because I’m fucking crazy and all the stupid fucking doctors if I was fucking crazy Dan I could go on vacation or I would have
more money to give to I don’t know already lost in our Planned Parenthood a group much more deserving than my pathetic shitty mind. And I’m probably still being dramatic to try to justify that I’m a goddamn drug addict fuck me
2/24/16 4:48PM Yeah it’s kind of back. But am I doing this cause I want to excuse to take the pill? I don’t think so I don’t think I’m trying to make this happen it’s just when I am nothing in my mind is idol if it’s a terrible shit it just goes to all the bad
fucking hates me. And I don’t get it am I supposed to fight this I can’t fight all the time I can’t always be on guard sometimes I’m not and then I just fucking destroy myself. I know all my insecurities on my weaknesses all the bad shit about
me and I use all of those to confirm the worthlessness of my existence and why she just fucking die. I’m not having suicidal thoughts right now but I’m thinking about stuff in your follows suicidal thoughts probably two hours later but maybe I
get out of it maybe I wouldn’t have this thought just taking drugs and skipping them but I don’t want to have a bike I probably would but I mean fuck you fuck you drug attic
2/24/16 5:10PM 7.5 30 mg 19 minutes ago. just took another 7.5 because i am a piece of shit. my mind keeping wanting to focus on how god damn fucking worthless is. fuck. jesus christ. what the fuck
2/24/16 5:47PM 15 Yep another 7.5. I’m more in my head again. Dan is going to be home in a bit and it’s fucking embarrassing that I’m always a fucking disaster. Could I maybe stop this on my own I don’t know how I don’t end up if I’m supposed to I’m not showing up
and I fucking hate that I’m a fucking drug attic fuck and then be another goddamn homeless bipolar person with a drug addiction. Fuck. I hope I have the guts to fucking shoot myself before that happens. Fucking kill yourself you piece of shit.
Fucking do it. Fuck you. I just fucking fucking fucking hate you. This is why you don’t have friends, you yourself can’t even stand you.
2/24/16 5:49PM The worst part of all of this I know exactly what to say to make me want to fucking die. I know themselves can actually kill me. All of my worst fears I could attack. T The worst part of all of this I know exactly what to say to make me want to
fucking die. I know themselves can actually kill me. All of my worst fears I could attack. Cry you fucking faggot. Fuck. You fucking bitch. I fucking hate you.
2/24/16 5:50PM 7.5 I’m not to be fucking terrible tonight. Went to see Dan doesn’t deserve that, but really it. The weird thing is is when I stop talking into my phone I can push it out of my head but it sits there waiting waiting for the second that I get week or
I stop pushing fucking eats me fucking alive. Because I am a piece of shit
2/24/16 5:55PM I am god damn terrified that this is all me. I am supposed to fight this more. I guess i probably can. but fuck. what if i cant? what then? bang.
2/24/16 6:38PM 7.5 another 7.5, dan is home.
2/24/16 7:17PM 15 actually 23.5. You know why? Because i am in my god damn shitty fucking head again. all i do is focus on how god damn terrible i am. i am such a fucking cunt. fuck fuck 2 2 2 2
2/24/16 7:22PM START WORKING YOU SHITTY FUCKING PILLS FUCKKK
2/24/16 7:26PM please god. hurry. i am fighting the thoughts already constantly they pop up to attack, well every minute or so. You know, like fuck you. DIE. DIE. just the fun stuff
2/24/16 7:38PM working now. thank zues
2/24/16 8:08PM fuck and i am going down. fuck you dude. fuck. i am going to take a bit more, then buy beer to keep me not thinking for one god damn night. ive dained weight from all the beer because i want to be a fat piece of shit for dan. i had a six-pack once.
fuck. oh well, not like i can have sex without a god damn panic attack. he stays out of pity. fuck you. die
2/24/16 8:15PM 15 15 mg more. because i am a piece of shit drug addict and dont want to think about blowing my piece of shit head off because i am fucking worthless. instead, i am going to use this time to attempt to help my bosses with a spreadsheet. i know how
to rock a macro and it will save them a ton of time. maybe then they will pretend like i have some god damn value because fuck knows i already am well aware of my shitty fucking pointless fucking fuck life
2/24/16 8:20PM i wish my fucking bosses could get how fucking pathetic i am and how much this will fucking continue to destroy me. constantly reminded i am way far away because i am a team player and fucking god damn disposable. i constantly do useful shit at
work for all. i love work. it is the only thing that gives me a tanigable validation of my worth. and that is fucking fuck pathetic but true. fuck you guys. I wish you understood what a disaster i was. i can’t even hide and cry because tomorrow
there will be people around my office all day for a variety of reasons, none for me. so i don’t know how to make it. maybe if they knew this would eat me alive for god damn months they woudl fucking feel bad. maybe i should hang my fat fuck body
in the god daMn office. fuck you .
2/24/16 8:25PM make it stop. start working. i want to not remember how fucking worthless i am for just a little longer. fuck you. die. fuck i fucking hate you drug addict week faggot idiot awkward stupid fuck fuck fuck
2/24/16 8:32PM still not working. sitting next to dan on our computers and i am trying not to give him another night of his pathetic self consumed boyfriend being so god damn worthless. he so kind and support, he deserves better then fucking fuck me
2/24/16 8:39PM Fuck. Why aren’t they stopping. I probably did this. Maybe the crash would be over if I wasn’t a god damn drug addict
2/24/16 8:41PM This is selfish but the worst part is doing this alone. Like, Dan doesn’t really get it. No one does. Oh, depression? I’m so sorry, my nana went through that when her cat died. Oh? What fun did she visualize blowing the back of her head off with?
A revolver sounds interesting but maybe a shoot gun, kurt conbain style for maximum splatter affect
2/24/16 8:42PM 15 Died faggot
2/24/16 8:56PM congrads drug addict. freedom for an hour or whatever and then you drink you fat fuck fuck fuck
2/24/16 8:58PM maybe not i still feel it alitte, probably because i am absolutely terrified of it and so consious of is it here? is it here? and constantly do a mental check if the suicidal thoughts of taken back their home in my head
2/24/16 9:00PM yep. def still here. i am about to give up on you or me or whatever you crazy fuck
2/24/16 9:02PM i thiink fighting makes it worse. how do you fight your thoughts, i just think about dying more when i try not to. maybe if i was fighting stronger or different or i dont know
2/24/16 9:10PM is it over? or are the drugs working? i dont think it is drugs. i think it is gone right now. of course my fat ass will still probably get beer. dont want to be defenseless against myself
2/24/16 9:20PM Oops. Never mind, happiness was fleeting, apparently I was excited about the tiny amount of progress I had just made on PC maintenance. Yay ridiculously low standards because you’re not a function fucking human. Yeah back to sad.
2/24/16 9:26PM Yep. Still shitty. I knew this move might happen. I begged and pointed out the benefits of me closer. I fucking cried in my bosses office. Christ. I just told them, I am really good at isolating myself and have been struggling with depression, it
will be easier to hide and stop functioning. And it will. And yet they did it because fuck me. Disposable. I knew it would cause this crash, also part of my fear. God. How long will it last? Probably every day it comes back as I walk through that
door and am reminded no one gives a fuck. Dan does, but at this point pity. I am always awful. He has so much to offer. Him dating me is like fucking community service. Fuck. Duck fuck. Well, I am waking to get beer, it will never be enough to
stop this but fuck
2/24/16 9:29PM I wish my bosses could feel this, feel what they caused or my fucking weak head caused. Fuck. Kill yourself.
2/24/16 9:35PM I’m trying to convince myself my thoughts aren’t true. I place an immense value on truth, probably because I lied about everything I was until coming out at 23. I’m like, maybe they put you there because they knew you could handle it. And they did.
But I told them in no uncertain terms how scary it was for me. And they still did it. Because fuck me
2/24/16 9:47PM Poorer two shots, only took one. I need the second but I am a pussy and don’t really love hard liquor. I hid the other, maybe take it later but don’t want Dan to know. He is always nice and gets it but I know part of him is disappointed. He deserves
more. Now drinking a beer. So, 90 cal shot and 200 cal beer and yeah. I have stopped running all I do is think when running. I think what a fucking shit I am. I’ve gained 30lbs in the last 6 months. I’ve always been fit, weighed the same for 16
on, well until 6 months ago. Gays are hash. So, not only am I depressive pathetic stupid fucking faggot, I am god damn fat and disgusting too. I have nothing to offer Dan. He says we will never own guns. Good. But yeah
2/24/16 10:00PM Meds are probably wearing off, or how much of a piece of shit i am is overwhelming. it is all still there. all the fucking hate. but i am just trying to work. like, i guess it will just sit there. and i can enjoy life with an overwhelming amount
self hatred. die you weak fuck. die.
2/24/16 10:26PM I think it is calming down. Or my body is just tired. It is still there but I don’t know. Sleeping pills time
2/24/16 10:36PM I have avoided it all night. But I just brought it up to Dan. Probably gonna talk about it when we lay down in a few. And I shouldn’t have. I’m doing okayish right now. Mostly. Haven’t thought of dying in 20 minutes
2/24/16 10:42PM And yet here I stand desperately still fighting my thoughts, even fighting my fear of those thoughts, doing all that while trying to chug my bear so I can go to bed. Beer won’t even do much, taking sleeping pills any. But it might help? Or I am
on my way a drunk drug addict. Sleeping pills have the real power. Well, and a gun. Fuck. I am probably just being dramatic. Fuck me
2/24/16 10:48PM I think I can stop thinking about it if I have something to do, my mind and body are damn tired. Probably from the last 8 hours of fighting myself. But yeah. Why am I not always strong enough to move on? And what if I don’t now. God. I bet my pathetic
ass still brings it up to Dan and throws a pity party
2/24/16 10:53PM Peeing before bed. I bet you cry like a bitch. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll pretend to be strong for once in my god damn life. But fuck – I hate you either way.

hour by hour breakdown of how much Adderall in my system

spreadsheet

drug addict faggot die

This rollercoast brought to me by Lamictal

Today sucked.

That is the original title of this post. It perfectly describes my day without devulging any details. It is the type of sentence I used on few folks I am moderately close to at work.

It describes my day without having to worry about the details. Did my day suck because Jimmy didn’t sit with me at lunch? Or did it suck because I stubbed my toe while getting ready this morning? Or did it suck because from 11am on, I wanted to die.

Why? I don’t know. Well, I do. Life is pointless. You are worthless. I  am especially worthless. We all live 80ish years and then we die. In a 100 years, nobody will remember you, nor will they care. The observable part of our grand universe is roughly 93 billion light years across. Our entire planet could cease to exist — it wouldn’t matter.

Yes, I understand. Many are aware of the infinitesimal size of our planet, and it does not overwhelm then. They don’t cling to the thought of how worthless this makes them and everything around them. They likely even build meaning and purpose in their own lives.

Also, it doesn’t always overwhelm me. It often does though. Today it did.

For no reason whatsoever, around 11am I spiraled into the abyss. Sure, stressful stuff went down at work, it happens. Stress happens. Over the past few weeks Lamictal kept me safe.

It didn’t help me fight those fight my morbid thoughts. It eliminated them. Part of my brain, the part that is full of fear, doubt, anxiety, disappointment, guilt — that part shut-off. Over the past 48 hours, it came back on.

Three weeks ago, I didn’t even understand how low I was. I slowly stopped doing everything over the past three years. In the last few months, bathing even fell by the wayside. It wasn’t a conscious decision, I was just avoiding anything I found “stressful”. Having the energy to bathe, I started to show less. And less. My perspective is so different, I wasn’t even aware of this while it was happening.

Having tasted “normal”, I will not go back. I can’t. Every minute I spent treasuring thoughts of suicide, or beating myself up over constant failings. Even when doing tasks or talking to someone, in the back of my head, those thoughts ran on repeat.

It has been a week since I uped my Lamictal to 50mg, and that I did a week early. I called my doctor to get her input. The nursing assistant wrote down my message. An hour later she called back.

Nurse: The doctor said to stick with the schedule she gave you last week. She doesn’t want you to have any side-effects.

Me: Okay. I am really struggling. Like, really. And I can’t go back, having it incapacitate me like it did. And I already feel like I am halfway there. I can’t.

Nurse: Yes. I can let the doctor know your response.

Me: Yeah. Let her know that I will not be following her advice. I don’t care about a rash. At this point, it is more dangerous for me to have this then any rash. I am certain of that.

Two hours later, I got a call back. It was my doctor. I love her, we get along well and over the past two years have gotten to know each other. Obviously she expressed concern. In the five minute conversation that followed, she stated she understood. But to make sure and check for any sign of a rash.

I promised I would. And I will. But as I explained to her, even if I get a rash, even if it is life-threatening, I doubt I would want to be taken off Lamictal.

The past two weeks have been entirely knew. If what I am is bipolar, I’ve been bipolar since at least third grade. “Crashing” started then, or “depressive episodes” as my doctor calls them. They never stopped.

Well, that isn’t true. Over the past two weeks, none. Gone. Disappeared.

I am not going back.

 

 

This rollercoast brought to me by Lamictal