Why you do not try, fix it.

gmYmTVm.pngI hammered this out today during one of my low points. Yeah.

I am not sure what state I will be in by the time of my appointment today. I guess I am writing this to make sure I explain where I often find myself.

I’m not present. It is impossible to be present. For the last hour I have literally just sat, doing nothing. Talking as little as possible. I still went to eat lunch with coworkers, I was silent. I am now sitting in sixth period totally withdrawn. My head, I don’t know how to fully explain.

I’m just so down. So overwhelmed with everything, anything. Getting up, seems impossible. Talking, impossible. Engaging in anything, impossible. It took some effort for me to even do this, the only reason I can accomplish this is because I focus on the only thing I can, i empty nothingness I feel. That fact that this life is fucking worthless. That I am so fucking broken I can’t manage to even function for chunks of my day. The fact that deep down I have never viewed suicide as freighting, it would be liberation from this. From the prison of my head, escape from this overwhelming sadness.

There is no fighting it. Jesus Christ, I try. I really do. Like I FUCKING TRY SO FUCKING MUCH. My therapeutic tools help. They help me understand that this isn’t permanent. It doesn’t last. Even though during it I am always scared. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it continues all day. Sometimes I have to fight my desire to go home and just start fucking drinking. I do. I don’t drink until at least 9, ever. I guess that is a win.

I am so much better then I have been. I know this, even now. Yet, this is still suffering. Dan won’t marry me. We have been engaged for almost two years, I just asked him again last week. He says he wants to wait until I fully recover, until I am fully a person. Until being enthusiastic about things isn’t such a rarity, that being said I do get enthusiastic, I do.

I am not trying to deceive you when I say it is always tied to Nuvigil. It is, I can feel its release so acutely. I feel it drop, increase, fade in and out. Taking less seroquel helps, but it might not permanent. Usually a few days, two or three on less seroquel are better to good days. But then it seems to lessen. So maybe it will only work short term, but i will try anything.

My evening are almost always good, as the concentration builds I am liberated from my mind, I exist in the world.

Is this caused by a continued dependence on stimulants? I dont know. Really. Maybe I wouldnt only be functional while medicated if my body didn’t learn to expect it.

But that scares me. By in large crashing is gone. It is unreal to say that, crashing has been a part of my life since at least 12. I would  be rended much like I feel now, non- functional, overwhelmed, useless for a few hours or days. The self hatred and suicidal ideation was often severe. Now I experience only pockets of that hell, but on a daily basis. It is less intense, certainly, but still present.

I wish you could feel this. That is evil to say, but I think you would be more motivated to make larger changes. I know we both have my best interest at heart. I am scared of vyvanse. I am worried that it will only mask part of these feelings. It will only help for chunks of the day. But if it could ease me into my day. Or if there is another medication, possibly. I just.

Medication gives me a significantly better quality of life for chunks of my day. It is so wonderful. There must be a way to expand that. God, the life I would live if I didn’t find hours of a day to torture myself. If you are interested in nuvigil, I would certainly say we should 20 or 15 pills. And again, I know this is a scary option. I won’t abuse it. I wish they had 5 mg pills. If I attempt to turn this into an endless quest of seeking more and more stimulants you can stop that.

I would want to cut back, I know the hell that leads to. Also, I would want you to talk with my psych when I move. I would of course compensate you for your time. But you can make them fully aware of my weaknesses. Also, if they wanted to ask you questions after initial contact, I would be fine always compensating you for your time. I know you have my health at heart, I am grateful for that.

It is fading now. Really. Otherwise I would write forever, because it is all I can think about. But my mind is clearing, thank god. I am actually doing some of my job. Not desperately trying to do nothing while looking somewhat busy. Alright done, I guess. My appointment is just 90 minutes from now. I am hopeful. Ha, I must be really leaving this mood behind.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Why you do not try, fix it.

I’m going to fucking make it better

woman-1940On Thursday I had another appointment with my psychiatrist, it is almost a biweekly event.

I’ve been alright, I guess. Not good. But not always anxious and not to many suicidal thoughts. A desire to live? None. I said that with the litany of medications we have tried, it seems my expectations are too great. Medication helps silence the anxiety, it helps to level out my mood, it numbs.

I don’t believe medication can or will provide me a desire to live. That scares me.

I have none.

Well, maybe I do. I am feeling more anxious in this moment, more than I have been today. It is what got me up and blogging. However, I am realizing that Nuvigil might be kicking in. Curious. Well, maybe not so curious.

Adderall gave me horrendous anxiety, as I increased Nuvigil it did as well. That is why I we starting dividing my dose, half in the morning and half in the afternoon. However, maybe just less. I am always resistant to less stimulants because the functionality they provide. This so clearly makes sense though.

Fingers crossed it helps. I’m done hoping it gets better. I’m going to fucking make it better.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 12pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg (tappeing), Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

I’m going to fucking make it better

Medication solves depression

nwdlfse37ftwgupvi7d0zwcx8szlcfftynml2wnvyyaThis page has been blank for at least ten minutes. I am at a coffee shop. In a past life, before my depression consumed everything, I frequently dropped into a bunch of different local coffee shops. It is nice to get out of the house, work on whatever and people watch.

Of course, in the last few months before I entirely went off Adderall I rarely left the house other than for work. At work I was scared much of the time, a low level of panic throughout every day — all day. I feared social interaction, going to sleep, eating out, everything. The anxiety poisoned everything.

I’m fairly confident I’ve always operated in a state of mild anxiety. I know my first suicidal thoughts were in third grade. I relished the thought of the teacher telling everyone. The students would look shocked, some would cry, the boy who was mean to me would know it was his fault. Killing myself would solve so much.

At thirteen I began to grapple with my sexuality. Always, always had I been attracted to boys, to my friends. In fourth and fifth grade I’d play with myself while imagining my friends and I all  wrestling and rolling around naked. I didn’t know why I liked it, maybe I just want to check if I looked normal.

Growing up conservative I knew about the homosexuals. Perverts. Pedophiles. ——

You know what. Never mind. I want to explain why I am this way. I want to justify it. Tragic childhood. Self-hatred. Blah, blah, blah.

However, when I crash, when I want to die, taking a walk doesn’t pull me out of. Neither does going for a drive, or writing about it. Spending time with friends or having a dog also doesn’t interrupt my suicidal thoughts.

Telling myself my thoughts are just words, doesn’t help. Singing my suicidal thoughts to make them sound ridiculous, that is ridiculous. The thoughts still persist.

The desire to kill oneself isn’t rational. Even in those moments, the lowest of the low, when I am curled up into a ball screaming in my head to spray my brains on the wall, I know those thoughts aren’t rational. To some degree I’m aware I don’t want to die, even in those moments, it is why I am still here.

I feel fine right now, I’m glad to be at a coffee shop. I don’t feel fine because I got out of my house and went to a coffee shop. No, going out when crashing, terrifying, panic inducing.

Medicine can fix this. It is why Adderall got so out of control, it gave me access to a life I never realized existed. I hate myself, I hate myself because I view myself as a disappointment. And unless I become a tech billionaire and president, I’ll continue to be unsatisfied with my life.

Adderall showed me a life were I wasn’t paralyzed by the constant internal war. Adderall let me experience the world in the moment, it let me ignore my head and concentrate on now. Nuvigil is doing that right now. It goes up and down, part of the day/dose is better than others, parts are still bad.

I’ve always tried to fight this battle, always. There wasn’t a choice, you either fight against the suicidal thoughts or obey them.

The idea that my actions are useless, I hate. Partly because I feel personally responsible for every failure, I love torturing myself with those failures. Inability to function emotionally — failure. But I don’t think it is within my control. Medication is so different than therapeutic tools. Therapeutic tools comfort, to some degree, during those moments of internal warfare.

Medication removes the conflict from erupting, it prevents the war. There is no fight to lose, no carnage. There is just Saturday, me and a coffee shop.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 1pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

Medication solves depression

Choosing Happiness – You’re Welcome

firefox_2016-10-03_11-25-06“Happiness is a choice,” she said.

“Thanks, of course,” I lied.

What I actually meant? Fuck you. If you believe that, you don’t know real depression, fuck, you have no idea. Sad? No. It is not sadness, at least not what I have, “severe depression.” It is constantly fighting the thought that you are so god damn worthless you should be executed. The executioner, myself. I don’t even believe in capital punishment, it is a racist and barbaric practice. Yet, when it comes to me?

Apparently, I consider myself worse than murders, rapist and terrorist, because in the depths of depression, I entirely believe I should blow my fucking head off. And I fight. God, do I fight. I try to stay positive, remind myself it is just a passing mood, I don’t have a real reason to feel so awful. All of this helps, because happiness is a choice. Fuck. None of it helps. Nothing helps. I wait for the mood to pass. Then I remember that I’m not great, but not horrible enough to merit remove from this planet.

“Happiness is a choice,” she said.

“Thanks, of course,” I lied.

Having zero self-confidence, constantly needing external validation often leads me to playing a role for people. I know few who dislike me, I constantly play roles for those around me. I’ll make jokes about fashion, musicals and Cher for those who appreciate a gay schtick and I couldn’t care less about any of the three. Religious? I’ll say “bless” and pretend that I pray. Whatever gets me positive reinforcement. Please, validate me.

It is pathetic. I know that. It is exhausting. And yet the fear of rejection conquers all.

I don’t love myself, but maybe you will. Please, at least pretend.


Choosing Happiness – You’re Welcome

Blow your fucking brains out

testing-a-bulletproof-vest-1923I don’t want to write this.

I’m fucking angry. Angry at fucking nothing. Well, that isn’t true. I just want to pretend like it is about nothing. Fuck.

Taking my pills this morning I realized I was out of Nuvigil. Well, other than the 100mg I had left from when I was cutting up pills. I promptly took that. Why? Because I was tired and would have to go to the pharmacy.

Headed over to the pharmacy and picked up my pills. Of course, I took a full 200mg dose. Why? Because I was still tired and feeling off and scared. Fucking scared. Scared of another off day where I can’t escape my desire to end my pointless fucking life. I do nothing. Am nothing. Will accomplish nothing. Fuck. Fuck.

I attempted to run a few hours later, I was feeling anxious. After a mile I was already tired. A year ago I regularly ran ten to fifteen miles a week. Now? I might run once a week, maybe doing four miles. Going off Adderall and on Seroquel, my weight rapidly shot up. I had been the same weight since high school, no more. I went up forty pounds in three fucking month. Now, now I can’t lose it. I can’t because I am a lazy fat fuck. Die.

Today I did three and walked about half of it. Getting home I thought I might beat off. Organisms make me happy, at least for a few seconds.

Oh, I am not that interested in sex because all of the god damn medications I am on. Cumming is often impossible. So many medications, so many because I have to drug myself to make it through every fucking day because I am a fucking worthless fucking piece of shit. Fuck.

I just took more Nuvigil, 50mg or so. Why? I am a weak fucking piece of shit. Jesus Christ.

I want to try drinking, but I won’t. I’ll just sit here and bear this. Trying to remember I don’t always want to blow my fucking brains out. Fuck.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 40mg (new), Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg



Blow your fucking brains out

Nothing is enough

annieMy psychiatrist prescribed me Nuvigil last Wednesday, 150mg. I took it Thursday, in the morning, it was alright. Certainly not as energizing as Vyvanse, but Vyvanse is real strong at first, so I wouldn’t mind a step down.

However, by mid-day I was struggling. Low energy, no focus and back to my depressive state. Of course, I opened up one of my 40 mg Vyvanse capsules and took a third of it with Nuvigil the next morning. That was nice, almost perfect. The Vyvanse still comes in waves through out the day, every few hours I get a bump of energy that protects me from the depressive lows. The last one just hit, it does around 4pm, it is how I got off the couch to write this blog. Sigh.

Here I am again, abusing my prescription. But it is so difficult to choose to be unhappy, to choose to feel depressed. At times, I am just not strong enough. I fully understand that I do not want to get a high, I don’t want to go down the path of my past abusive behavior. However, I do want to have days where I feel present — where I feel alive.

In two days I see my psychiatrist, she gave me a seven day prescription. I am hoping she will up it to 250mg, we shall see. I will be honest with here. She’ll be disappointed, maybe angry. I’ll call Dan with her and tell him he needs to dispose of my Vyvanse. I don’t want to go back, these last few days, I’ve felt alive, I just wish I could do this forever. I know I can’t. 

To prevent myself from taking Vyvanse with Nuvigil I just gave Dan the pill bottle and told him to hide it. Tomorrow shall be interesting.

Maybe we will increase my Nuvigil prescription at my appointment on Tuesday. An increase in Nuvigil will help some, although, having experienced 150mg, I doubt even an increase to 250mg will be enough.

It won’t be, nothing is enough.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 150mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 80mg

Nothing is enough

Begging my Doctor for Provigil

After receiving the results from my clinical evaluation, I sent my psychiatrist an email. The evaluation hit me hard. I ended up begging for Provigil. The text of my email is below.


The clinical evaluation confirmed much of what we expected. Bipolar disorder isn’t present, instead Dysthymia, major depression and adhd are.

I’m, I don’t know. The antidepressants I think are helping some, I don’t know. The best part of my day is still the first few hours of Vyvanse, I get to feel alive.

Having read the eval, I am really defeated. Nothing is shocking in this report, it confirms our expectations. I just, I, I am so tired of being sad. Dan deserves more.

The paragraph below I found most depressing, particularly the bold part. It sounds right, and it feels right. My personality makes me unlikely to “experience pleasure in life.” And even if the pills work, none claim to change my personality, to help me experience pleasure. It is so damning.

The patient’s profile was developed using the D (depression), Pt (psychasthenia – fear, anxiety, tension, depression, intruding thoughts, and obsessive-compulsive symptoms); and, Pd (psychopathic deviant – rebellious, non-‐conforming; family problems; impulsive, angry, irritable, and dissatisfied) scales. Patients with this pattern tend to exhibit a pattern of chronic psychological maladjustment. The patient appears to be quite anxious and depressed at this time. He may be feeling some tension and somatic distress along with his psychological problems. He endorsed several items related to suicidal ideation and should be monitored for risk. He indicated a history of impulsive acting-out and substance abuse for which he expressed guilt and remorse. His personality is such that he may have only a small capacity to experience pleasure in life and tends to be pessimistic in outlook. It appears he is experiencing disturbed interpersonal relationships. Patients with this profile are prone to substance use and abuse disorders and all treatments involving medication should be carefully monitored.

I have been Googling about medications, I need, I don’t know, more help. Like, this can’t be it. I hope not.

Provigil is the only thing I find particularly hopeful. It would likely wake me up a bit, give me a bit of energy to get up off the couch. It has been used off label for depression and adhd. It has a lower rate of addiction, it being a category IV and Vyvanse being a category II. Tolerance is much less likely with Provigil, having had studies go as long as three years.

I just, I don’t know. I guess part of me is still hopeful. There must be something else out there, something that can help a bit more.

I am trying really hard, really. I just want to feel alive.

Current Medication: Vyvanse 40mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 80mg

Begging my Doctor for Provigil