You should beg for more drugs.

native americans in car

Maybe I shouldn’t send this email.

Medication isn’t ever going to be a reliable solution. I know. I must overcome this all on my own.

The last two days I have struggled with persistent suicidal thoughts, casual, “God, you should kill yourself.” All my job interviews have been schedule in the morning, I push myself, I put on this fake character and am okay. It is draining.

Nuvigil helps. But even as my mind clears, I still am a bit scared after a rough morning that the thoughts will come back. And if I worry about having more suicidal thoughts, I have more suicidal thoughts.

Is Vyvanse a perfect solution, obviously not. There is risk of me depending on it for happiness, of not expecting myself to generate my own. There is risk of abuse. Yet, it would be a tool against this suffering.

You know my history, I mean I placed a razor blade to my wrist at thirteen, I begged god to give me the strength to do it. I only made a pathetic little scratch, I then had to hide it from my parents.

Vyvanse might be a tool to help me fight this.

I trust your judgement. Odd saying that, because sending this email questions what we just discussed. But I do.

I guess I am writing this right now to avoid the dwelling. I’ve been wondering around the school, talking to students, distracting myself. Now it is my lunch, I am sitting on the floor, hiding behind my desk, typing this email. It makes me feel like I am at least trying to do something to stop this. I don’t accept it. I never will. But I fucking hate hiding behind my desk crying at work.

I’d tell you to ask Dan if he trusts me. But I don’t what him to know how bad my mornings are. But I trust me. And I am honest.

Although, maybe I will endlessly chase medications to solve my problems. But I don’t know, maybe I am doing this because medication has yet to do what it can for me. Maybe it still can help empower me to live a more normal life.

I won’t send this now, it is noon. Hopefully I decide not to. But we shall see.

I am so sorry as always. It just sucks.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 50mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

You should beg for more drugs.

Why do you hate yourself?

1900 - eight nation alliance

Oh, I know why. There is always a why. It starts with one or two thoughts, and then you spiral. You think of more and more reasons you are a worthless piece of shit. Go.

  • Fat
  • Working a job beneath you, yet you stay
  • Lazy
  • Slow
  • A mess
  • Desperate
  • Stupid, go do something worthwhile
  • Under-educated
  • Depressed
  • Disappear tomorrow, no one would fucking care
  • Weak
  • Mentally ill, mentally fucking weak
  • Boring, get a fucking hobby
  • Socially awkward, find a friend
  • Self pietying
  • Pathetic, waste time on this blog you fuck
  • A failure, go get a real education or job
  • A quitter, I probably should even try
  • Scared
  • Crave fucking attention
  • Crazy
  • Whiny, I hate you
  • Fucked
  • Dependent on your meds
  • Poor, fuck you
  • Unhealthy, eat more shit you shit
  • Ugly, why? look above, christ
  • Forgettable, why would they invite you
  • Shitty
  • Friendless, and you deserve it
  • Unlovable
  • Effeminate
  • God damn drug addict
  • Med abuser
  • You use alcohol sometimes to escape your problems
  • Really weak
  • Alone
  • Gay, homo, fag, fairy, fatty
  • Die
  • Christ, fuck you

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Why do you hate yourself?

Bad, suicide, fine, good repeat

My days are very predictable. Nuvigil has provided the best quality of life since quitting Adderall. Seroquel eliminates the constant state of minor panic, Nuvigil fights the letheragy of the depression and the tiredness Seroquel caused.

It is far from ideal. As shown below my mood bounces around. The lows are less hopeless because I know they’ll fade in a few hours. Nuvigil also provides more stability than Vyvanse did, both the high and lows were more severe.

At least life has been getting better one mediocre day at a time.

Bad, suicide, fine, good repeat

Is it suicide if you are already dead?

I should blog. I have had a few medication changes and my mood is varying more. 

Right now? I give zero fucks. It is all the same, whine, whine, poor sad little me. 

God. I wish I was little, I have gained so much more weight because of Seroquel, yet I am back on it. Having tappered off of it over the last few weeks my mood plummeted. I was getting off work and going right home, sometimes go drink, always heading right for the couch.

Sigh. I want to be present, in the moment, alive. 

Is it suicide if your already dead inside?

Is it suicide if you are already dead?

Help your depression, abuse your prescriptions

swagmanI’m scared. Right now I am scared of it coming back. Nuvigil is at its peak. I feel a bit more capable, not lost in the negative whirl that is my mind. For the first three hours after Nuvigil I sat on the couch and played a video game.

Stimulants give me a slight push, suddenly I can desire to do things. Every task no longer is impossible and pointless. Doing things can feel good. Enjoyment, that is what I have missed most since the end of my Adderall abuse. Investment, I want to feel invested in something.

At the peak of Nuvigil I can be. I no longer search for ways to fill and pass the time, instead I stop merely passing time and start living. It is everything.

It has been six months since I stopped taking Adderall. Can it really be having this large of an impact? Still?

I am even more scared now. As my psychiatrist I trust your judgement. But please don’t make any rash decisions. Please don’t take punitive action. Really. Over the last week and a half I started taking more Nuvigil than I am prescribed.

This is new, I had never previously gone over 250mg. I’ve only gone up to 300mg in a desperate attempt to stay functioning.

Am I chasing a high? No. I can swear to you I am not. Looking back, those were so awful. Jittery, anxious and a bit paranoid – awful. I’m trying to get up.

I don’t take it all at once. Instead, during the second crash I have found myself reaching for more pills. It is so difficult to chose to feel suicidal for a couple hours. I have access to a medication that lifts the burden.

My depression extends back to my earliest memories, it is why it took me so long to seek treatment. I didn’t think I was “depressed,” I was functioning just like I always had.

It is damn difficult to face that depression, that low, that crash everyday. In all honesty, I believe you would reach for more Nuvigil too. You’d cry for a half hour, sometimes an hour, while chewing on your bottom lip. You’d beg your mind to stop, practice breathing, externalizing, therapeutic tools and more. Then, then exhausted and defeated you would get up and split up a pill. You’d take it and feel the intense hatred for disobeying your doctor, again. And again. You’d start crying. You’d feel like all your failings warranted suicide.

An hour later, slowly, you get more interested in the TV, or you get up and get something to eat and it all stops. Suddenly your mind is on something different. It doesn’t immediately stray back. You still absolutely fucking hate you. Yet, you don’t have to obsess about it. In fact, you know that is something you should work on. You feel empowered.

Stimulants are the only thing that does this. Seroquel calms me, yet it doesn’t help with the thoughts to the same degree. This is why I wondered about a possible dopamine deficiency.

We have a medication that enables me to feel alive. Will stimulants always work, probably not. Although, Nuvigil has a study conducted over four years showing little tolerance build up. But can’t I have a bit more? Maybe 300mg? Will I always want more? Possibly. I just want to split the doses. I guess I could take 150mg in the morning and 100mg in the afternoon.

But I do think more would be beneficial, and again, I am not chasing a high. And I swear on my life, if we find something better, I’ll switch.

I hate taking stimulants. But I hate suicidal thoughts more.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel 150mg (new)

Help your depression, abuse your prescriptions

Blow your fucking brains out

testing-a-bulletproof-vest-1923I don’t want to write this.

I’m fucking angry. Angry at fucking nothing. Well, that isn’t true. I just want to pretend like it is about nothing. Fuck.

Taking my pills this morning I realized I was out of Nuvigil. Well, other than the 100mg I had left from when I was cutting up pills. I promptly took that. Why? Because I was tired and would have to go to the pharmacy.

Headed over to the pharmacy and picked up my pills. Of course, I took a full 200mg dose. Why? Because I was still tired and feeling off and scared. Fucking scared. Scared of another off day where I can’t escape my desire to end my pointless fucking life. I do nothing. Am nothing. Will accomplish nothing. Fuck. Fuck.

I attempted to run a few hours later, I was feeling anxious. After a mile I was already tired. A year ago I regularly ran ten to fifteen miles a week. Now? I might run once a week, maybe doing four miles. Going off Adderall and on Seroquel, my weight rapidly shot up. I had been the same weight since high school, no more. I went up forty pounds in three fucking month. Now, now I can’t lose it. I can’t because I am a lazy fat fuck. Die.

Today I did three and walked about half of it. Getting home I thought I might beat off. Organisms make me happy, at least for a few seconds.

Oh, I am not that interested in sex because all of the god damn medications I am on. Cumming is often impossible. So many medications, so many because I have to drug myself to make it through every fucking day because I am a fucking worthless fucking piece of shit. Fuck.

I just took more Nuvigil, 50mg or so. Why? I am a weak fucking piece of shit. Jesus Christ.

I want to try drinking, but I won’t. I’ll just sit here and bear this. Trying to remember I don’t always want to blow my fucking brains out. Fuck.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 40mg (new), Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg



Blow your fucking brains out

Nuvigil, ADHD and depression

ay00vjwOn Tuesday my psychiatrist and I decided to up my Nuvigil dose from 150mg to 200mg. Also, I am tapering off of Seroquel since my clinical psychological evaluation diagnosed me with treatment resistant depression, Dysthymia and ADHD – ruling out my bipolar diagnoses.

The main symptom of my depression is apathy. Desire, no. Interest, no. Motivation, no. We are hoping that tapering off Seroquel will give me more energy throughout the day. I’m now using Trazadone 50mg as a sleep aide.

I am more and more aware of how my ADHD contributes to my depression. Nuvigil definitely helps, it is also much much smoother of a release than Vyvanse. However, Nuvigil does start strong and dip during the day for me, and during that dip I become unengaged, bored. It is these periods where my mind wonders into the depressive thoughts. If I not being aided with a stimulant my mind always wanders to the negative.

Stimulants impact dopamine, maybe my depression is caused by low dopamine levels. It would make so much sense. Stimulant based medications work to combat my depression in a way that nothing else has come close.

Of course, I am writing this blog on a day I took more than my prescribed amount of Nuvigil. I cut my last 150mg pill in half and took half on top of my 200mg pill. More is always better. I’m so weak. My psychiatrist even commented that I will likely be asking for an increased dose of Nuvigil in two weeks. That I tend to seek the maximum dose. I concurred. But I seek the maximum because more helps more.

Although, maybe I am just trying to justify past abuse of stimulants and current prescription for Nuvigil. I don’t know. I never know.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 100mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg


Nuvigil, ADHD and depression