You should beg for more drugs.

native americans in car

Maybe I shouldn’t send this email.

Medication isn’t ever going to be a reliable solution. I know. I must overcome this all on my own.

The last two days I have struggled with persistent suicidal thoughts, casual, “God, you should kill yourself.” All my job interviews have been schedule in the morning, I push myself, I put on this fake character and am okay. It is draining.

Nuvigil helps. But even as my mind clears, I still am a bit scared after a rough morning that the thoughts will come back. And if I worry about having more suicidal thoughts, I have more suicidal thoughts.

Is Vyvanse a perfect solution, obviously not. There is risk of me depending on it for happiness, of not expecting myself to generate my own. There is risk of abuse. Yet, it would be a tool against this suffering.

You know my history, I mean I placed a razor blade to my wrist at thirteen, I begged god to give me the strength to do it. I only made a pathetic little scratch, I then had to hide it from my parents.

Vyvanse might be a tool to help me fight this.

I trust your judgement. Odd saying that, because sending this email questions what we just discussed. But I do.

I guess I am writing this right now to avoid the dwelling. I’ve been wondering around the school, talking to students, distracting myself. Now it is my lunch, I am sitting on the floor, hiding behind my desk, typing this email. It makes me feel like I am at least trying to do something to stop this. I don’t accept it. I never will. But I fucking hate hiding behind my desk crying at work.

I’d tell you to ask Dan if he trusts me. But I don’t what him to know how bad my mornings are. But I trust me. And I am honest.

Although, maybe I will endlessly chase medications to solve my problems. But I don’t know, maybe I am doing this because medication has yet to do what it can for me. Maybe it still can help empower me to live a more normal life.

I won’t send this now, it is noon. Hopefully I decide not to. But we shall see.

I am so sorry as always. It just sucks.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 50mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

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You should beg for more drugs.

Stimulants Cure Depression

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I’ll keep this short. Sorry for always taking so much of your time.

My mornings are always rough, sometimes it lasts, sometimes it does. By early evening I am always fine, often after 10:00am I am fine. Today has been rough, but I think I am doing okay now. But i don’t know, i usually don’t worry about my mood when i feel like i am doing good.

Medication isn’t going to fix everything, maybe it has done all it can. But every single day I start off with 100lbs weight around my neck. Everything is more difficult. I am more absent, in my head, it seems like I have to force myself to do anything.

Dan and I are moving to a new state, a new life in just a few months. I am better than I have ever been, but I hope medication can do just a pinch more. I guess the move has me scared about all this. I dont know when I’ll find a doctor and if they will be as competition as you.

Vyvanse does worry me, but starting every single day of the rest of my life like this also scares me. I just read that Nuvigil takes a few hours to get into your system, but Provigil, not being extended release seems to have an impact sooner. Maybe that is worth looking into. Or maybe a very small responsible amount of Vyvanse.

This is long again. I am sorry. I am trying. Thank you for everything. Sorry about the email last week, when down it is extremely hard to actually talk to someone, to socialize in any form.

Sorry, this isn’t short. I’ll see you in a week. Sorry for taking more of your time.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Stimulants Cure Depression

Adderall a Love Letter

Four years ago a friend gave me an Adderall pill for a long drive. I said no, but it ended up in my pocket. 

Adderall changed everything. Productive. Focused. Clear. And, no crashing. No sadness. I always wanted more. Always.

Eurphoria did occur, but wasn’t my end goal. I enjoyed the swell of confidence and the ablity to completely dedicate my mind to any task. Power. I felt powerful. I felt manic.

A pill that took me from somewhat shy, socially awkward, depressive fag to brash stud. Well, at least in my mind. Yeah. I always wanted more.

One month and nine days ago my world changed. A doctor mentioned she suspected I’m Bipolar. The first hit on Google confirmed her suspicion for me. The next four hours I read everything I could find, shocked that the strangers writing these articles could know me so well. 

This article I hate. I ignored it. Problem solved. Nope. Not solved.

Many bipolar patients report that they feel exuberant, creative and undefeatable when they experience manic periods, and some even stop taking medication that helps them balance their moods in favor of experiencing these highs even though they come with extreme lows as well.

It’s also not uncommon for a bipolar disorder patient to seek to achieve these feelings of mania through artificial means, taking stimulant drugs like cocaine, crack and crystal meth that provide similar feelings.

Unfortunately, the result is usually a dependence upon the stimulant as well as a change to the drugs’ effects. After taking the drug chronically, rather than feeling happy while under the influence, patients report that they instead feel surly and paranoid while high.

God. but it does help sometimes. It enabled me to… Well, what about when I need to… Yeah, but waking up and…

Harm me. Most depressive thoughts? Adderall, usually as it leaves my system. Sometimes in the middle of smaller doses. Crashes become so intense, my mind dedicates all of its resources to depression, to destroying me. And I know this. But if I take another pill at two hours maybe I can skip that.

The first two hours of a dose, perfection. Well, usually not. But if I take another half dose thirty minutes after the first and a quarter dose thirty minutes after that and a half dose forty-five minutes later, boom. Perfection. For an hour. Or two. Or twenty minutes. Then more and more and more. 

It ain’t over yet. And it will be hell. But to the strangers who read this pathetic blog, I love Adderall, it freed me, imprisoned me. And now I know, it’s over.

Sure, the relationship will drag on. No set end date. But in my heart it is already done. The rest will follow.

Christ. I’m going to take so many naps.

Article: Bipolar and Addiction

Adderall a Love Letter