Maybe I shouldn’t send this email.
Medication isn’t ever going to be a reliable solution. I know. I must overcome this all on my own.
The last two days I have struggled with persistent suicidal thoughts, casual, “God, you should kill yourself.” All my job interviews have been schedule in the morning, I push myself, I put on this fake character and am okay. It is draining.
Nuvigil helps. But even as my mind clears, I still am a bit scared after a rough morning that the thoughts will come back. And if I worry about having more suicidal thoughts, I have more suicidal thoughts.
Is Vyvanse a perfect solution, obviously not. There is risk of me depending on it for happiness, of not expecting myself to generate my own. There is risk of abuse. Yet, it would be a tool against this suffering.
You know my history, I mean I placed a razor blade to my wrist at thirteen, I begged god to give me the strength to do it. I only made a pathetic little scratch, I then had to hide it from my parents.
Vyvanse might be a tool to help me fight this.
I trust your judgement. Odd saying that, because sending this email questions what we just discussed. But I do.
I guess I am writing this right now to avoid the dwelling. I’ve been wondering around the school, talking to students, distracting myself. Now it is my lunch, I am sitting on the floor, hiding behind my desk, typing this email. It makes me feel like I am at least trying to do something to stop this. I don’t accept it. I never will. But I fucking hate hiding behind my desk crying at work.
I’d tell you to ask Dan if he trusts me. But I don’t what him to know how bad my mornings are. But I trust me. And I am honest.
Although, maybe I will endlessly chase medications to solve my problems. But I don’t know, maybe I am doing this because medication has yet to do what it can for me. Maybe it still can help empower me to live a more normal life.
I won’t send this now, it is noon. Hopefully I decide not to. But we shall see.
I am so sorry as always. It just sucks.
Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 50mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg