You should beg for more drugs.

native americans in car

Maybe I shouldn’t send this email.

Medication isn’t ever going to be a reliable solution. I know. I must overcome this all on my own.

The last two days I have struggled with persistent suicidal thoughts, casual, “God, you should kill yourself.” All my job interviews have been schedule in the morning, I push myself, I put on this fake character and am okay. It is draining.

Nuvigil helps. But even as my mind clears, I still am a bit scared after a rough morning that the thoughts will come back. And if I worry about having more suicidal thoughts, I have more suicidal thoughts.

Is Vyvanse a perfect solution, obviously not. There is risk of me depending on it for happiness, of not expecting myself to generate my own. There is risk of abuse. Yet, it would be a tool against this suffering.

You know my history, I mean I placed a razor blade to my wrist at thirteen, I begged god to give me the strength to do it. I only made a pathetic little scratch, I then had to hide it from my parents.

Vyvanse might be a tool to help me fight this.

I trust your judgement. Odd saying that, because sending this email questions what we just discussed. But I do.

I guess I am writing this right now to avoid the dwelling. I’ve been wondering around the school, talking to students, distracting myself. Now it is my lunch, I am sitting on the floor, hiding behind my desk, typing this email. It makes me feel like I am at least trying to do something to stop this. I don’t accept it. I never will. But I fucking hate hiding behind my desk crying at work.

I’d tell you to ask Dan if he trusts me. But I don’t what him to know how bad my mornings are. But I trust me. And I am honest.

Although, maybe I will endlessly chase medications to solve my problems. But I don’t know, maybe I am doing this because medication has yet to do what it can for me. Maybe it still can help empower me to live a more normal life.

I won’t send this now, it is noon. Hopefully I decide not to. But we shall see.

I am so sorry as always. It just sucks.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 50mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

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You should beg for more drugs.

Stimulants Cure Depression

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I’ll keep this short. Sorry for always taking so much of your time.

My mornings are always rough, sometimes it lasts, sometimes it does. By early evening I am always fine, often after 10:00am I am fine. Today has been rough, but I think I am doing okay now. But i don’t know, i usually don’t worry about my mood when i feel like i am doing good.

Medication isn’t going to fix everything, maybe it has done all it can. But every single day I start off with 100lbs weight around my neck. Everything is more difficult. I am more absent, in my head, it seems like I have to force myself to do anything.

Dan and I are moving to a new state, a new life in just a few months. I am better than I have ever been, but I hope medication can do just a pinch more. I guess the move has me scared about all this. I dont know when I’ll find a doctor and if they will be as competition as you.

Vyvanse does worry me, but starting every single day of the rest of my life like this also scares me. I just read that Nuvigil takes a few hours to get into your system, but Provigil, not being extended release seems to have an impact sooner. Maybe that is worth looking into. Or maybe a very small responsible amount of Vyvanse.

This is long again. I am sorry. I am trying. Thank you for everything. Sorry about the email last week, when down it is extremely hard to actually talk to someone, to socialize in any form.

Sorry, this isn’t short. I’ll see you in a week. Sorry for taking more of your time.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Stimulants Cure Depression

Prescription Drug that Gets you High

473px-AdvertisementKelloggsToastedCornFlakesMotherGuess1910I’m feeling great, like Tony the Tiger “Greatttttttttt!”

Yeah.

How? Nuvigil.

Last night I passed out late without taking my Seroquel XR 200mg. Holy. Shit. I knew it made me tired, I was using it as a sleep aid. But, god. I’m up beat, maybe even a pinch jittery.

You know what I am not? In my god damn head evaluating the purpose and point of life. I’d say this is about 20% of what Adderall did for me. Adderall forcing me to live in the present is one of the reason I began to abuse it, to silence my depression.

God. So, I should drop Seroquel. Oh, wait. I tried to ween off Seroquel in October and encounter my crippling depression within a few weeks. Not merely depression, anxiety. Constant low level fear. Seroquel isn’t an optional drug.

But maybe if we try lowering the dose. Or weening off slowly.

I seen my psychiatrist in two days. The real question. To take Seroquel or not? Hmm. Oh, well. Right now I am going to go enjoy this. It is the tits.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

 

Prescription Drug that Gets you High

One Year Without Adderall

Haven’t posted in a while. I started writing this post and just noticed the date.

One year and one day ago I stopped taking Adderall.

Hell.

It was hell. I started taking Adderall five years ago for ADHD, which I do have. Adderall became my tool for escaping my depression, instead of merely aiding me with attention. Sad, stressed, annoyed? Take an Adderall.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts since third grade. Starting in middle school, as I began to fight my homosexual nature, I started having severe emotional lows. I’d hide somewhere, cry for hours, beg God to kill me, contemplate how to kill myself, this would between a few hours and a few days. Crashing, I called it.

Always had it, well middle school on. Once or twice a week I’d crash, have an evening of hiding, crying, wanting death and so on. Then I’d be fine the next day.

It became normal. Early in my prescription I realized if I took an Adderall when crashing, boom, I escaped it. Adderall let me focus on something else, get up and do something. It freed me from the crash.

Slowly I used it more and more to avoid my scary lows. 

The thirty days before I quit Adderall I was taking about 150mg a day. I’d been taking about 100mg a day for a few months before that.

I blogged about it. You can go back and see. It got scary. I hated myself. I had intense suicidal desires that I detailed on this blog. 

Most of those are gone. I don’t crash anymore, really. I do to some degree, but it is so different. It is just lows, not a real crash.

Nothing is perfect. I still think about killing myself, about how worthless life is, how meaningless existence is. In fact, I struggled with those thoughts much of the morning. They weighed me down.

Still, they are different. I’m not planning my suicide, or visualizing it. I’m not scared to wake up. Not scared to be alone. Scared to go to work, answer the phone, walk out the door. I was. It got so bad, Adderall fueled emotion mood swings. It turned on me. Instead of supressing my emotions, the feed them. Amplified them. 

Adderall started as a tool to avoid my depression, it became fuel for it.

My quality of life a year off Adderall, better. Much better. It isn’t even comparable to be honest.

Life is mundane. But I’m grateful it is that now. For so long, probably a year to a year and a half before I went off Adderall, life was a daily fight for survival. It was a daily battle with my own mind to push myself through a day.

Now, life seems dull.

Dull is nice.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

One Year Without Adderall

Nothing is enough

annieMy psychiatrist prescribed me Nuvigil last Wednesday, 150mg. I took it Thursday, in the morning, it was alright. Certainly not as energizing as Vyvanse, but Vyvanse is real strong at first, so I wouldn’t mind a step down.

However, by mid-day I was struggling. Low energy, no focus and back to my depressive state. Of course, I opened up one of my 40 mg Vyvanse capsules and took a third of it with Nuvigil the next morning. That was nice, almost perfect. The Vyvanse still comes in waves through out the day, every few hours I get a bump of energy that protects me from the depressive lows. The last one just hit, it does around 4pm, it is how I got off the couch to write this blog. Sigh.

Here I am again, abusing my prescription. But it is so difficult to choose to be unhappy, to choose to feel depressed. At times, I am just not strong enough. I fully understand that I do not want to get a high, I don’t want to go down the path of my past abusive behavior. However, I do want to have days where I feel present — where I feel alive.

In two days I see my psychiatrist, she gave me a seven day prescription. I am hoping she will up it to 250mg, we shall see. I will be honest with here. She’ll be disappointed, maybe angry. I’ll call Dan with her and tell him he needs to dispose of my Vyvanse. I don’t want to go back, these last few days, I’ve felt alive, I just wish I could do this forever. I know I can’t. 

To prevent myself from taking Vyvanse with Nuvigil I just gave Dan the pill bottle and told him to hide it. Tomorrow shall be interesting.

Maybe we will increase my Nuvigil prescription at my appointment on Tuesday. An increase in Nuvigil will help some, although, having experienced 150mg, I doubt even an increase to 250mg will be enough.

It won’t be, nothing is enough.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 150mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 80mg

Nothing is enough

I want to feel alive or be dead

pin boys 1918I don’t want to blog. I don’t want to do anything. Why me? I should be stronger, but I am tired of being strong.

Yesterday I got the results of a full psychological examination I completed. My psychiatrist wanted it due to the difficultly we’ve had successfully treating my depression.

First, allow me to be boastful, I don’t take pride in much, probably a result of me hating myself, however, my IQ is in the 120s. That I am proud of. The actual diagnoses weren’t exactly surprising.

Bipolar disorder, nope. As expected, my psychiatrist and I have been doubting my bipolar diagnoses the past couple months. My manic episodes were a result of my Adderall abuse, not bipolar disorder. My depression is severe, my psychiatrist and I were also aware of this. The clinical psychologist stated that my depression is severe, the test recommended immediate intervention to prevent a suicide attempt. Again, no surprise.

Thankfully, the psychologist and I had chatted before the tests, she was aware that I have never actually been suicidal, I doubt I ever will be. But I do relish the thought of taking my own life on almost a daily basis.

One of the tests involved staring at a black computer screen and clicking the mouse every time a letter other than “X” appeared, every few seconds. The exam was a dull fifteen minutes. The results, 99% chance that I have ADHD. I took this test at 11am, three hours after I had taken 40mg of Vyvanse, meaning Vyvanse was at its peak. I also take Strattera for ADHD. And yet, 99%.

The ADHD results are validating. Maybe that is why I slipped into abusing Adderall, nothing calms my racing thoughts like stimulants do – nothing.

Unfortunately, the results are fairly useless. It confirms our suspicions, maybe I’ll go off some of the bipolar medications. But know what?

Pristiq is helping. I am no longer as concerned about my depression. Like, I the worry and guilt I used to feel about laying around and doing nothing is largely gone. But I still don’t have much desire to live. My emotions are mostly flat and I feel tired much of the day.

Adderall was such a miracle. Suicidal thoughts, gone. Self-hate, replaced by confidence. It gave me a bounce in my step, even when not manic. I am confident that those first two years on Adderall will remain the best years of my life.

Now I am left to piece things together, to tolerate life, to keep going through the motions. Part of my desire to die is due to already feeling dead.

Even this post, do you know how I am accomplishing it? Vyvanse abuse. I opened up one of my 40mg pills and took a third, on top of the 40mg I already took. I’m not remotely high, I wish. But I do have the energy to get up, to shower for the first time in four days and to sit at a computer. I’m not happy. I wish it made me happy. I am a void, nothing, but at least I am functioning.

I just want to feel alive – or be dead.

Current Medication: Vyvanse 40mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 80mg

 

 

I want to feel alive or be dead

Self-medicating using Vyvanse for Depression

arrow headsThe weekend has been nothing. Bad? No. Good? No. Alright? No. I’m just moving through time.

This might be due to running out of Pristiq, my anti-depressant, on Friday. My doctor forgot to put in my refill, even though I called. However, I am not sure, this is also just my mood at times, even on the antidepressants.

However, I’ve been self-medicating, using the lack of antidepressants as an excuse.

I hate excuses.

Weakness. Having some old 30mg Vyvanse, I open a capsule and took about half. It doesn’t make me happy, it makes me more engaged. It makes time pass more quickly.

I shouldn’t be doing this, having abused Adderall in the past. But, I don’t know. I also shouldn’t have to feel like my life is just passing time.

Also, I can use a break. Vyvanse gives me a break from depression. I won’t make a habbit of this. I know that will lead no where. But, I don’t know.

I am already going no where. Guilt, sure. I shouldn’t have taken extra Vyvanse.

But it is nice to feel, well, to feel alive.

Current Medication: Vyvanse 40mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 80mg

Self-medicating using Vyvanse for Depression