I guess I’ll be writing more.
My absence happened naturally, I guess. Life was going much more smoothly, leaving me less motivated to share, to look for answer. Instead, I was busy living.
However, over the last month or so, I have noticed a steady decline. Friends have even commented on it as well. The decline hasn’t plunge me back into the depths of sorrow I was feeling a year ago, however, it has left me with a nagging desire to die. I find it more and more difficult to push away the thought of how meaning less life. How difficult life is. And why do it? Why experience it? There certainly is more boredom, dullness, sorrow, anger, embarrassment, guilt than positive emotions. I’d say I am in a positive mood for merely 10 or 15% of my existence. It is simple math. Why do it?
I’ve been drinking more. At least one glass a wine a night, often two, ocassionally three. I don’t start until a couple hours before bed. It helps me wind down. Mornings are the hardest. Before Nuvigil hits its stride I try to distract myself any way possible, otherwise I get lost in my thoughts, scary.
I took more today. Yeah, shocking. I rarely do that. Really. Maybe once to twice a month with Nuvigil, I’ll take a quarter more, sometimes it helps. Usually by 1 or 2pm my day starts improving. I think it is due to the Nuvigil build up.
Always, always I am grateful when my drug induced presence arrives. No more in my head, life is still pointless. Yet, that thought doesn’t overwhelm me. It doesn’t debilitate me. Like now, I am finally free, sometime over the last hour the most difficult of those thoughts melted away. I think it is becoming more noticeable due to building up tolerance to my medications. It would make sense. I’ve been looking at my blog more over the past mounth, drinking more over the past month, struggling more.
It is hard to see depression setting in. You never realize it at first, just a bad day, week, I can make it better. I feel guilty because I keep making all these stupid mistakes. Eventually, know this is a dip back into greater sorrow.
Oh, well. Feeling alright now, here now, capable now. I’m off to the gym.
Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg