Prescription Drug that Gets you High

473px-AdvertisementKelloggsToastedCornFlakesMotherGuess1910I’m feeling great, like Tony the Tiger “Greatttttttttt!”

Yeah.

How? Nuvigil.

Last night I passed out late without taking my Seroquel XR 200mg. Holy. Shit. I knew it made me tired, I was using it as a sleep aid. But, god. I’m up beat, maybe even a pinch jittery.

You know what I am not? In my god damn head evaluating the purpose and point of life. I’d say this is about 20% of what Adderall did for me. Adderall forcing me to live in the present is one of the reason I began to abuse it, to silence my depression.

God. So, I should drop Seroquel. Oh, wait. I tried to ween off Seroquel in October and encounter my crippling depression within a few weeks. Not merely depression, anxiety. Constant low level fear. Seroquel isn’t an optional drug.

But maybe if we try lowering the dose. Or weening off slowly.

I seen my psychiatrist in two days. The real question. To take Seroquel or not? Hmm. Oh, well. Right now I am going to go enjoy this. It is the tits.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

 

Prescription Drug that Gets you High

Reasons to live

I spent yesterday fighting the desire to die, all day. It didn’t stop. I’d push it away and a few minutes later it’d come back louder. To fight that desire I wrote a list of reasons I want to live.

1. Dan – he is supportive and kind, brilliant and witty, he is everything. You want to marry him in the near future (you’re engaged), have a family with him and travel the world.

2. Your job can be enjoyable if you let it. You think you are contributing to a larger good, even if it is in a small way. You started the LGBTQ group, it not only helps and supports others at work, it helps you.

3. The community group you lead once a week is impactful. The drop in “class” helps seniors learn different computer skills. It is great to see their excitement as they get connected to a broader world.

4. Video games, not always, but you can get completely hooked on a new video game, just like when you were a child.

5. There is nothing better than a good beer. You enjoy trying and discovering new craft beers. It is a good outlet for you.

6. Blogging is often a struggle and doesn’t always help you, but maybe there is someone out there that gets something out of it. Maybe they read it and identify, or learn, or feel less alone – anything.

7. Every week you get to make a small impact on Pat’s child. You started hanging out with him over six years ago. Pat, a friend of a friend, wanted a male who had attended college in her son’s life. She hadn’t and didn’t want him to struggle like her. He is incredible. He will get some scholarships but you will pay the rest, even if you have to take out loans. He deserves it. You are lucky to know him.

8. You fight really really really hard. It must be for something. You’ve always struggled like this, you’re still here. You are because somewhere deep down you want to be. You might hate yourself, but you are strong, resilient. You fight your mind on a daily basis, you’re still here. I’m proud of you.

I think this helped some. I don’t know. I’m always sad. I still feel tired and sad. It is just in my head, I am fine. But I am not. But I am.

Nope. Still exactly where I was. I’m fighting. I’m got eight hours of sleep and feel tired. I might not thinking about death so much right now, but my general mood hasn’t changed. It never will. Oh well.

Update: And twenty minutes later I am back to obsessing about my desire to die. I’m tire of this shit.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg (new), Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

Reasons to live

Held hostage

It has been a long day, Dan’s parents are in town, we spent the last thirteen hours out and about. We showed them where we live, went to a few tourist spots and had a couple good meals. 

I was worried about being locked in to a day of activities and socializing with no where for me to retreat to. It went great.

There were several times depressive and negative thoughts arose, but having an immediate distraction allowed me to force myself back into the present. 

I’m grateful for today. I got to largely live it in the moment. Eventually I will have to fix me, medications and counseling will never work entirely.

Today was a pleasant surprise. Social doesn’t always solve it, in fact, socializing can deepen a depressive episode. Being around people I enjoy and trust, it helps. I wish I could take them everywhere, I wish they’d always be there to help pull me out of my thoughts and into the present. Maybe with time and support, I’ll learn how on my own.

For now, I’m grateful to have today.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 50mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

Held hostage

I wish I were dead

This morning I was a bit tired, didn’t really want to be at work. Nothing major, just spacing out, random thoughts. Then my mind took me on an adventure….
—-my thoughts—

God, I wish I were dead.

What? God. No. You are fine. Don’t think like that. Don’t think –

I wish I were dead.

No. No, it is okay to think that way. They are just words. They have no meaning. I don’t. I am a bit tired that is all. Thanks mind.

I keep thinking, “I wish I were dead.” I’m not going to give it power. I acknowledge the dumb thought. Time to move on.

I wish I were dead.

No. You mean…

I have the thought, “I wish I were dead.” It isn’t true. I really.. 

Everything is pointless. Everything. You have no value. Worthless. Nothing.

I wish I were dead.

Stop. It is okay to have the thought, you need to give it space, acknowledge it an move on. Okay.

I think I wish I were dead.

You think? I know.

I wish I were dead.

Fuck. Why isn’t it working? Try something else. Chant, do a mantra, say it out loud until you believe it. Chase the thought-

I wish I were dead…

away.

“I love you. You try hard. You have worth.”

Again.

“I love you. You try hard. You have worth.”

Idiot. You are talking to yourself, you are so fucking broken you have to talk to yourself because you know it is true, you know it.

I wish I were dead.

Fuck. 

Sing. Sing a silly song.

Jingle bells, jingle bells– 

Jesus Christ. You have to single Jingle Bells to yourself because you can’t even control your own mind. Fuck. How are you not homeless? Fuck.

I wish I’d kill myself.

It’d be so easy. 

I want to fucking die.

Yes. What would I do?

Buy a gun.

Sit down on the living room couch, a clean white wall behind me.

Insert the gun into my mouth.

Push it to the back of my throat.

Point it up at my brain stem. 

Pull the trigger.

Painting the wall with my brain matter. 

One final statement on this worthless existence.

—————-

I called my therapist, just saw her yesterday. She got me in. I’m fine. Well, me fine. Today wasn’t even that bad of a day, until my head got involved.

To reassure, I am not suicidal, nor have I ever been. I do think about it daily. My partner, doctor, psychiatrist and therapist know this.

I wish I didn’t wish I was dead.

I wish I were dead

Nothing is enough

annieMy psychiatrist prescribed me Nuvigil last Wednesday, 150mg. I took it Thursday, in the morning, it was alright. Certainly not as energizing as Vyvanse, but Vyvanse is real strong at first, so I wouldn’t mind a step down.

However, by mid-day I was struggling. Low energy, no focus and back to my depressive state. Of course, I opened up one of my 40 mg Vyvanse capsules and took a third of it with Nuvigil the next morning. That was nice, almost perfect. The Vyvanse still comes in waves through out the day, every few hours I get a bump of energy that protects me from the depressive lows. The last one just hit, it does around 4pm, it is how I got off the couch to write this blog. Sigh.

Here I am again, abusing my prescription. But it is so difficult to choose to be unhappy, to choose to feel depressed. At times, I am just not strong enough. I fully understand that I do not want to get a high, I don’t want to go down the path of my past abusive behavior. However, I do want to have days where I feel present — where I feel alive.

In two days I see my psychiatrist, she gave me a seven day prescription. I am hoping she will up it to 250mg, we shall see. I will be honest with here. She’ll be disappointed, maybe angry. I’ll call Dan with her and tell him he needs to dispose of my Vyvanse. I don’t want to go back, these last few days, I’ve felt alive, I just wish I could do this forever. I know I can’t. 

To prevent myself from taking Vyvanse with Nuvigil I just gave Dan the pill bottle and told him to hide it. Tomorrow shall be interesting.

Maybe we will increase my Nuvigil prescription at my appointment on Tuesday. An increase in Nuvigil will help some, although, having experienced 150mg, I doubt even an increase to 250mg will be enough.

It won’t be, nothing is enough.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 150mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 80mg

Nothing is enough

Begging my Doctor for Provigil

After receiving the results from my clinical evaluation, I sent my psychiatrist an email. The evaluation hit me hard. I ended up begging for Provigil. The text of my email is below.

Hello,

The clinical evaluation confirmed much of what we expected. Bipolar disorder isn’t present, instead Dysthymia, major depression and adhd are.

I’m, I don’t know. The antidepressants I think are helping some, I don’t know. The best part of my day is still the first few hours of Vyvanse, I get to feel alive.

Having read the eval, I am really defeated. Nothing is shocking in this report, it confirms our expectations. I just, I, I am so tired of being sad. Dan deserves more.

The paragraph below I found most depressing, particularly the bold part. It sounds right, and it feels right. My personality makes me unlikely to “experience pleasure in life.” And even if the pills work, none claim to change my personality, to help me experience pleasure. It is so damning.

The patient’s profile was developed using the D (depression), Pt (psychasthenia – fear, anxiety, tension, depression, intruding thoughts, and obsessive-compulsive symptoms); and, Pd (psychopathic deviant – rebellious, non-‐conforming; family problems; impulsive, angry, irritable, and dissatisfied) scales. Patients with this pattern tend to exhibit a pattern of chronic psychological maladjustment. The patient appears to be quite anxious and depressed at this time. He may be feeling some tension and somatic distress along with his psychological problems. He endorsed several items related to suicidal ideation and should be monitored for risk. He indicated a history of impulsive acting-out and substance abuse for which he expressed guilt and remorse. His personality is such that he may have only a small capacity to experience pleasure in life and tends to be pessimistic in outlook. It appears he is experiencing disturbed interpersonal relationships. Patients with this profile are prone to substance use and abuse disorders and all treatments involving medication should be carefully monitored.

I have been Googling about medications, I need, I don’t know, more help. Like, this can’t be it. I hope not.

Provigil is the only thing I find particularly hopeful. It would likely wake me up a bit, give me a bit of energy to get up off the couch. It has been used off label for depression and adhd. It has a lower rate of addiction, it being a category IV and Vyvanse being a category II. Tolerance is much less likely with Provigil, having had studies go as long as three years.

I just, I don’t know. I guess part of me is still hopeful. There must be something else out there, something that can help a bit more.

I am trying really hard, really. I just want to feel alive.

Current Medication: Vyvanse 40mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 80mg

Begging my Doctor for Provigil

Dr: “You’re unlikely to experience pleasure in life”

captain 1911Just read the report from my psychological evaluation that I had done last week. The line I can’t let go, “His personality is such that he may have only a small capacity to experience pleasure in life.”

It feels and sounds true. Yet, reading it, so damning, part of me is devastated. A little of the hope I still have just died.

Below is a section of my psychological evaluation:

Psychological Functioning: The patient completed the MMPI-2, an empirically based measure of personality and psychopathology. His responses suggest that he cooperated with the evaluation enough to provide useful interpretive information and the resulting profile is considered an adequate indication of his present personality functioning.

The patient’s profile was developed using the D (depression), Pt (psychasthenia – fear, anxiety, tension, depression, intruding thoughts, and obsessive-compulsive symptoms); and, Pd (psychopathic deviant – rebellious, non-‐conforming; family problems; impulsive, angry, irritable, and dissatisfied) scales. Patients with this pattern tend to exhibit a pattern of chronic psychological maladjustment.

The patient appears to be quite anxious and depressed at this time. He may be feeling some tension and somatic distress along with his psychological problems. He endorsed several items related to suicidal ideation and should be monitored for risk. He indicated a history of impulsive acting-out and substance abuse for which he expressed guilt and remorse.

His personality is such that he may have only a small capacity to experience pleasure in life and tends to be pessimistic in outlook. It appears he is experiencing disturbed interpersonal relationships. Patients with this profile are prone to substance use and abuse disorders and all treatments involving medication should be carefully monitored.

Dr: “You’re unlikely to experience pleasure in life”