Me: male, thirty, nerd, careered, homo

First time I contemplated suicide, third grade. It never really stopped after that. Never sought real help until adulthood.

Diagnosed ADHD in 2012, have used and abused a variety of stimulant medication.

In 2014, diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder and antidepressants followed, many.

Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder on January 11th, 2016. By my first psychiatric appointment, March 1, 2016, I was regularly consuming over 150mg of Adderall a day.

We changed all of my medications that first appointment, including stopping all stimulant medication. I took all of March off work.

On August 23, 2016, I received my report from a full clinical evaluation. Not bipolar, mania was a side effect of Adderall abuse.

Current diagnoses: Major depressive disorder, Dysmthya, ADHD with signs of OCD.

Now I am meandering through life, hoping I’m doing this right.


22 thoughts on “About

  1. A lot of what you’ve written I have experienced. I was diagnosed at 42. It was devastating! I thought I just had adhd and depression. Really what I want to say is you are new to your diagnosis and it not only takes a while to mesh with that it takes a while for you and your Drs to get the write cocktail of meds for you. It’s a roller coaster at first. Feeling good, bad, flat and definetly anxious. My blog was and is a way of getting some relief and out of my head for a while. Keep writing and reading the advice of people who have been where you are now and want to help.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. breakingbipolarstigma says:

    I see you are newly diagnosed Bipolar. I was diagnosed four years ago. If you ever need to talk, or find out what feels real or doesn’t, let me know. I will gladly talk with you. I hope you are doing well, and that you are getting through this.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey, I’ve read parts of your blog so far, and I know what it feels like. I was officially diagnosed last year, but the unofficial diagnosis was set about 5 years ago. If there’s anything, ever, that you want to talk about: please, I am here. For me, it is both a relief and a motivation to know that I am not the only one dealing with this disease. You’re strong, I hope you’re ok.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I wish I could give some supporting words but I don’t think I have any left inside of me, we are all going for a long walk through a rose garden, it hurts and it’s not nice. But we just have to hope that we will get to the end of the garden and it will be sunshine and daisies.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. throughthetunnel42 says:

    Hi, thanks for following my blog. I’m staggered by the amount of medication you’re on! As long as it keeps you stable, that’s all that matters

    Liked by 1 person

  6. We have a similar mental health history and I was diagnoses Bipolar, Type II in February 2016. Blogging helps. I’m finally catching up with my reading and I enjoy your posts. I’m coming out of a crazy depression bout. It sucks to be flat line bored. Hugs to you and cheers to moving forward. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so glad you stopped by my blog! Gosh, some days just…suck. If we could just figure out why, right? I use to have flashbacks. You? I’d been working through an online book study of Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay, when I discovered that he had written another little book: Seeking Jordan. Heard of it? That was the real story that finally took down my scary walls–thinking of our pain as a gift to learn love better. Suddenly, nothing feels catastrophic anymore, Anyway, here’s the book, if you want to give it a go. BTW – using writing to connect with community is a brilliant move. You’re on your way. 🙂 ❤ – Mira


  8. Kind of really want to hug you right now. I feel you with the medication and the diagnoses and the stigma and the clusterfuckery of fun that comes with just having some crossed wiring in the head. Goootttaaa love it. 3: They’ve got me on 15mg Adderall XR, 100mg Topamax, 200mg Lamictal (we match!), 1.5mg Klonopin, and 150mg of Welbutrin. So many disorders, so little time, Bipolar disorder (they originally had it pegged as II, but they want to reevaluate that now), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Conversion Disorder (look this little asshole up), Emetophobia, and Borderline Personality Disorder. Woo. ._.

    I appreciate the follow. It means a lot simply because I didn’t think anyone would give a damn about my crazy-induced scribblings.

    I look forward to reading more in your blog, my friend. And Too Polar? That’s perfect. x3


  9. Oh my. I feel for you so much. Reading your posts brings a lump to my throat and makes me wish I was there with you to hide away from the world with, build a duvet den in the front room, order takeaway and binge-watch TV for days on end.
    At night we could roam the neighbourhood covering political buildings and landmarks with toilet paper, make a campfire in the woods and play music from our phones through a portable bluetooth speaker till our batteries die.
    Anything to help you feel good, if just for a little while.
    I wish you all the best in life my friend
    Amy xx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Love is overrated and transient. Some days I love jam doughnuts more than I love anyone ive ever met. I’m glad though.Glad I could make you smile, even inwardly for a moment. Keep writing. Ill keep following. Your words resonate with me very strongly. I won’t say ‘have a nice day’, I find that term very trite. What I will say though is ‘have a day’. Just have a day my friend. Peace.


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