You should beg for more drugs.

native americans in car

Maybe I shouldn’t send this email.

Medication isn’t ever going to be a reliable solution. I know. I must overcome this all on my own.

The last two days I have struggled with persistent suicidal thoughts, casual, “God, you should kill yourself.” All my job interviews have been schedule in the morning, I push myself, I put on this fake character and am okay. It is draining.

Nuvigil helps. But even as my mind clears, I still am a bit scared after a rough morning that the thoughts will come back. And if I worry about having more suicidal thoughts, I have more suicidal thoughts.

Is Vyvanse a perfect solution, obviously not. There is risk of me depending on it for happiness, of not expecting myself to generate my own. There is risk of abuse. Yet, it would be a tool against this suffering.

You know my history, I mean I placed a razor blade to my wrist at thirteen, I begged god to give me the strength to do it. I only made a pathetic little scratch, I then had to hide it from my parents.

Vyvanse might be a tool to help me fight this.

I trust your judgement. Odd saying that, because sending this email questions what we just discussed. But I do.

I guess I am writing this right now to avoid the dwelling. I’ve been wondering around the school, talking to students, distracting myself. Now it is my lunch, I am sitting on the floor, hiding behind my desk, typing this email. It makes me feel like I am at least trying to do something to stop this. I don’t accept it. I never will. But I fucking hate hiding behind my desk crying at work.

I’d tell you to ask Dan if he trusts me. But I don’t what him to know how bad my mornings are. But I trust me. And I am honest.

Although, maybe I will endlessly chase medications to solve my problems. But I don’t know, maybe I am doing this because medication has yet to do what it can for me. Maybe it still can help empower me to live a more normal life.

I won’t send this now, it is noon. Hopefully I decide not to. But we shall see.

I am so sorry as always. It just sucks.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 50mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

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You should beg for more drugs.

4 thoughts on “You should beg for more drugs.

  1. Iggy says:

    I’m not sure if you are wanting a comment on this or not, but I would like to offer a suggestion, because I understand what you are feeling. I chase the suicidal thoughts myself. After my last episode, I found a pattern in it all. Once I hit “guilt” I know there is no turning back and the suicidal thoughts are going to flood me. I have to figure out how to break the pattern, and I can’t do it alone, I need tools. So I am giving therapy a try. Medications can only do so much. My pdoc also wants me to go to “Wellness Group” which is kind of a group therapy, but you learn tools to combat anxiety, depression, mania, etc… Just a thought. Maybe you are not into therapy, I dunno, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. As cheesy as it sounds, I do feel your pain.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t just click “like” on your post because you are in pain. I can empathize with your feelings because the cocktail shuffle is something we “mentally ill folks” have to deal with at some time (for most of our lives) during the dance with doctors, nurse practitioners, emergency psych wards and short term facilities. I am not on much medication right now, but I can tell you that the most unstable I felt was on Latuda and Lamictal. I had a doc convinced that I was bipolar and the only solution was to suppress everything. That being said, I was very very depressed at the time and my psychiatrist couldn’t seem to grasp the concept that my low moods were not managed by the bipolar meds. It made everything worse. I cried and cried often and was suicidal. I am a cutter, not usually suicidal.
    After being hospitalized under a different doctor’s care, he determined that I could actually function on depression and anxiety medications. Paxil, welbutrin and hydroxyzine hcl for my panic and anxiety attacks. Granted, I’m disabled and no longer trying to function in a classroom. The numerous bodies and personalities during after school classes was more than I could handle.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have nothing but hugs for you, I know this terrible merry go round of shit all too well. I’m so sorry you’re in such pain, and frankly, that you’re decently good at hiding it. I’m also really good at hiding it, and my husband has no idea how bad it is right now. I don’t like that I do this, that I’m good at it. I’m so, so sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

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