Alarm. Awake. Pills.
Mornings are a period were I disappear into my thoughts. Being present is always easier. My thoughts aren’t always toxic, some mornings are fine. But often, given a few hours in my head, I find a reason to hate myself.
Two hours later my savior arrives. As stimulants get pumped through my system my mind calms. It clears. Freedom.
This is every day. I take Nuvigil and when I wake up and wait for it to kick in and make my day easier. However, it fades in and out throughout the day. Four hours into my dose I start to disappear back into my head. An hour or two after that I am feel present again.
My day always ends smoothly. It feels like there is enough Nuvigil in my system that from about five on I am feeling good. More present, doing more, more alive.
Without Nuvigil’s push I am not dead. I am not even always struggling or awful, but I am a bit tired. And seem to be on the edge of down.
Having stopped abusing Adderall fourteen months ago, I can see a similar, although much less extreme cycle of ups and downs on Nuvigil.
My psychiatrist suggested this seems like addiction. That given some time, going off this medication and staying away from all stimulants might present the greatest chance of long-term success. This scares me. I am better now then I have been in years, even with the struggles.
My mind scrambles to come up with other solutions, a sign of addiction. Maybe if I split the pill and take the halves an hour apart, it would be more effective. I used to do that. Maybe this is desperation. I don’t know.
Am I addicted? Should I risk the happiness I have now to see if more happiness is possible?
Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 100mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg