Well, “friends.” I don’t have friends, Dan does. But we only kinda know these people.
I have had one beer. I am sitting here silent, now writing a blog. My mind is preoccupied with destroying myself.
I weighed myself before going to the bar. Fucking mistake. I’ve been dieting, last weighed myself a week ago and was down 15lbs. Still up 40lbs since starting Seroquel. Before all this, God, I’d been the same weight since I was fifteen. Now, Christ.
Well, as of today I’ve gained back 8lbs. Fuck.
I need to stop fucking eating. I fucking hate my fat fucking discusting body. I wouldn’t fuck me. Fuck.
I am still at the top end of the technical “healthy” weight range for my height. But that is horse shit. I have this belly, I have fat on my stomach. It is fucking discusting. I’m gay fat.
I need to stop eating or fucking blow my God damn brains out. Fuck you, you fat fuck. I fucking hate you. Kill your fucking self.
And now, back to sitting silently at this table and listening to everyone else talk.
Kill yourself you fuck.
Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg