You’re fat. Solve it or kill yourself.

Well, “friends.” I don’t have friends, Dan does. But we only kinda know these people.

I have had one beer. I am sitting here silent, now writing a blog. My mind is preoccupied with destroying myself.

I weighed myself before going to the bar. Fucking mistake. I’ve been dieting, last weighed myself a week ago and was down 15lbs. Still up 40lbs since starting Seroquel. Before all this, God, I’d been the same weight since I was fifteen. Now, Christ.

Well, as of today I’ve gained back 8lbs. Fuck.

I need to stop fucking eating. I fucking hate my fat fucking discusting body. I wouldn’t fuck me. Fuck.

I am still at the top end of the technical “healthy” weight range for my height. But that is horse shit. I have this belly, I have fat on my stomach. It is fucking discusting. I’m gay fat. 

I need to stop eating or fucking blow my God damn brains out. Fuck you, you fat fuck. I fucking hate you. Kill your fucking self.

And now, back to sitting silently at this table and listening to everyone else talk.

Kill yourself you fuck.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

You’re fat. Solve it or kill yourself.

10 thoughts on “You’re fat. Solve it or kill yourself.

  1. Thanks for sharing too polar. It sounds very frustrating. Have you looked into exercise? I think it’s easier than stopping eating, makes you feel better about yourself as well. I hope you find a healthy solution swiftly.


  2. Souffle says:

    My cousin died to kill herself 3 times for being a 300+ pound teen. I’ve seen so many sad eyes cry due to society’s belief in fat shaming. I don’t know you, but I’m hugging you and we’re both tearing up in my head.


    1. Fat shaming is part of this, but I am also not willing to excuse myself for lacking a basic element of self control. I gained weight because I ate too much, even if meds fueled it, it is still the truth. I’m not a fucking dog, I should have enough self control to stop eating. If I don’t, fuck that is pathetic.


      1. Souffle says:

        Honey, you are human and we wwe all have something. Their faulty bad habit is minding your business and doing so cruelly, some people watch too much TV. Some pop knuckles. There’s shopaholics!, shoe hoarders, gum smackers, white liars, the list goes on and they need to control their mouths.


  3. You can’t totally blame yourself for this. The meds have a weight gain side effect it is not your failure… no more than it is the failure of a cancer patient to keep his hair from falling out. It is what the medication does. (((HUGS)))


  4. You’re too fucking hard on yourself. Stop beating yourself up over some stupid fucking weight issues. Once you decide to live with it you will fucking feel “a little better” about yourself. The rest is trying to get out of bed in the morning knowing what you know, feeling what you feel. The rest of the fucking world can just blow. People are assholes. But, but but but – there are great people out there too. It all depends on what you focus on. If you focus on the fucking weight then you are going to be fucking miserable. If you decide to focus on how wonderful your partner is then you will see yourself smiling. Stop being such a shit and start looking for the GOOD in this world.

    Please excuse my language. I just thought I’d speak to you in a way you’d understand. LOL

    Kill it. Be happy damnit.


    1. While I understand the spirit of your response, simply accepting weight gain or drastic changes adversely affecting one’s emotional state isn’t easy. And it’s inconsistent with many therapeutic strategies offered to those coping with mental health issues.

      Beyond not accepting mental and physical conditions – which I see is a large part of this blog – sudden weight gain places people at risk for additional issues. High cholesterol, high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes, etc.. All of which further contributes to a depressed state.

      Basically, it is a crap cycle, and I hope Too Polar takes steps to escape it.

      Liked by 1 person

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