One Year Without Adderall

Haven’t posted in a while. I started writing this post and just noticed the date.

One year and one day ago I stopped taking Adderall.

Hell.

It was hell. I started taking Adderall five years ago for ADHD, which I do have. Adderall became my tool for escaping my depression, instead of merely aiding me with attention. Sad, stressed, annoyed? Take an Adderall.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts since third grade. Starting in middle school, as I began to fight my homosexual nature, I started having severe emotional lows. I’d hide somewhere, cry for hours, beg God to kill me, contemplate how to kill myself, this would between a few hours and a few days. Crashing, I called it.

Always had it, well middle school on. Once or twice a week I’d crash, have an evening of hiding, crying, wanting death and so on. Then I’d be fine the next day.

It became normal. Early in my prescription I realized if I took an Adderall when crashing, boom, I escaped it. Adderall let me focus on something else, get up and do something. It freed me from the crash.

Slowly I used it more and more to avoid my scary lows. 

The thirty days before I quit Adderall I was taking about 150mg a day. I’d been taking about 100mg a day for a few months before that.

I blogged about it. You can go back and see. It got scary. I hated myself. I had intense suicidal desires that I detailed on this blog. 

Most of those are gone. I don’t crash anymore, really. I do to some degree, but it is so different. It is just lows, not a real crash.

Nothing is perfect. I still think about killing myself, about how worthless life is, how meaningless existence is. In fact, I struggled with those thoughts much of the morning. They weighed me down.

Still, they are different. I’m not planning my suicide, or visualizing it. I’m not scared to wake up. Not scared to be alone. Scared to go to work, answer the phone, walk out the door. I was. It got so bad, Adderall fueled emotion mood swings. It turned on me. Instead of supressing my emotions, the feed them. Amplified them. 

Adderall started as a tool to avoid my depression, it became fuel for it.

My quality of life a year off Adderall, better. Much better. It isn’t even comparable to be honest.

Life is mundane. But I’m grateful it is that now. For so long, probably a year to a year and a half before I went off Adderall, life was a daily fight for survival. It was a daily battle with my own mind to push myself through a day.

Now, life seems dull.

Dull is nice.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

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One Year Without Adderall

13 thoughts on “One Year Without Adderall

  1. Happy one-year-clean anniversary. I am glad that you have made it this far. Sometimes dull is a good come back. I’m happy it is working for you.
    I hope things just keep going up from here.

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        1. Our medications are the tools that protect us, even when they stop actually helping. It is like attempting to grab crutches from me when my leg is broken. I’ll give them up when it is right. Again, be kind to yourself. Our road is not an easy one.

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  2. So glad you are living the dull life now. I can’t imagine how painful the former life was. My thoughts of suicide are usually just thoughts. Nothing more. To be honest, I don’t have the guts to go through with it. As crappy as this life is, I keep holding out hope that it will get better. Someday. Some way.

    It sounds like you have turned the corner. I am so happy for you! 🙂 Please keep your support team close at hand. You never know when you’ll need them. I’m wishing rainbows and lollipops for you. Nothing but the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You know, I’m not sure if there is a corner to turn. I am no longer planning my suicide, or screaming at myself to man up and blow my head off, but life doesn’t feel entirely worth it. I think the secret is there isn’t one, life isn’t worth it if you focus on that, life is about finding meaning in the nothingness, forging a point in the pointless. Maybe.

      Liked by 1 person

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