Coddle that self-hatred, hold it dear

Venting. So much venting. Fuck this day. Kill me. Fucking die. I don’t want to do this fucking life.

My existence isn’t only whining. I often turn to this blog as an outlet. Ocassionaly, I rip myself apart. This has been a place I can acknowledge those thoughts.

However, I have good days. Today is one of them. Nothing spectacular. Got up, went to a bakery and ran several miles. Helped my sister with a technology issue. Took a solid nap. Picked out a few new plants for my garden and replaced a broken electrical outlet.

I am off to a friends birthday party, it should be a good time. These days are also happening more often. But always lurking the self-hatred I built and coddled for so many years.

Oh well, today I don’t need to confront it.


Coddle that self-hatred, hold it dear

You’re fat. Solve it or kill yourself.

Well, “friends.” I don’t have friends, Dan does. But we only kinda know these people.

I have had one beer. I am sitting here silent, now writing a blog. My mind is preoccupied with destroying myself.

I weighed myself before going to the bar. Fucking mistake. I’ve been dieting, last weighed myself a week ago and was down 15lbs. Still up 40lbs since starting Seroquel. Before all this, God, I’d been the same weight since I was fifteen. Now, Christ.

Well, as of today I’ve gained back 8lbs. Fuck.

I need to stop fucking eating. I fucking hate my fat fucking discusting body. I wouldn’t fuck me. Fuck.

I am still at the top end of the technical “healthy” weight range for my height. But that is horse shit. I have this belly, I have fat on my stomach. It is fucking discusting. I’m gay fat. 

I need to stop eating or fucking blow my God damn brains out. Fuck you, you fat fuck. I fucking hate you. Kill your fucking self.

And now, back to sitting silently at this table and listening to everyone else talk.

Kill yourself you fuck.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

You’re fat. Solve it or kill yourself.

Prescription Drug that Gets you High

473px-AdvertisementKelloggsToastedCornFlakesMotherGuess1910I’m feeling great, like Tony the Tiger “Greatttttttttt!”


How? Nuvigil.

Last night I passed out late without taking my Seroquel XR 200mg. Holy. Shit. I knew it made me tired, I was using it as a sleep aid. But, god. I’m up beat, maybe even a pinch jittery.

You know what I am not? In my god damn head evaluating the purpose and point of life. I’d say this is about 20% of what Adderall did for me. Adderall forcing me to live in the present is one of the reason I began to abuse it, to silence my depression.

God. So, I should drop Seroquel. Oh, wait. I tried to ween off Seroquel in October and encounter my crippling depression within a few weeks. Not merely depression, anxiety. Constant low level fear. Seroquel isn’t an optional drug.

But maybe if we try lowering the dose. Or weening off slowly.

I seen my psychiatrist in two days. The real question. To take Seroquel or not? Hmm. Oh, well. Right now I am going to go enjoy this. It is the tits.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg


Prescription Drug that Gets you High

Why do you hate yourself?

1900 - eight nation alliance

Oh, I know why. There is always a why. It starts with one or two thoughts, and then you spiral. You think of more and more reasons you are a worthless piece of shit. Go.

  • Fat
  • Working a job beneath you, yet you stay
  • Lazy
  • Slow
  • A mess
  • Desperate
  • Stupid, go do something worthwhile
  • Under-educated
  • Depressed
  • Disappear tomorrow, no one would fucking care
  • Weak
  • Mentally ill, mentally fucking weak
  • Boring, get a fucking hobby
  • Socially awkward, find a friend
  • Self pietying
  • Pathetic, waste time on this blog you fuck
  • A failure, go get a real education or job
  • A quitter, I probably should even try
  • Scared
  • Crave fucking attention
  • Crazy
  • Whiny, I hate you
  • Fucked
  • Dependent on your meds
  • Poor, fuck you
  • Unhealthy, eat more shit you shit
  • Ugly, why? look above, christ
  • Forgettable, why would they invite you
  • Shitty
  • Friendless, and you deserve it
  • Unlovable
  • Effeminate
  • God damn drug addict
  • Med abuser
  • You use alcohol sometimes to escape your problems
  • Really weak
  • Alone
  • Gay, homo, fag, fairy, fatty
  • Die
  • Christ, fuck you

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Why do you hate yourself?

Focus on your worthless life

I guess I’ll be writing more.sick

My absence happened naturally, I guess. Life was going much more smoothly, leaving me less motivated to share, to look for answer. Instead, I was busy living.

However, over the last month or so, I have noticed a steady decline. Friends have even commented on it as well. The decline hasn’t plunge me back into the depths of sorrow I was feeling a year ago, however, it has left me with a nagging desire to die. I find it more and more difficult to push away the thought of how meaning less life. How difficult life is. And why do it? Why experience it? There certainly is more boredom, dullness, sorrow, anger, embarrassment, guilt than positive emotions. I’d say I am in a positive mood for merely 10 or 15% of my existence. It is simple math. Why do it?

I’ve been drinking more. At least one glass a wine a night, often two, ocassionally three. I don’t start until a couple hours before bed. It helps me wind down. Mornings are the hardest. Before Nuvigil hits its stride I try to distract myself any way possible, otherwise I get lost in my thoughts, scary.

I took more today. Yeah, shocking. I rarely do that. Really. Maybe once to twice a month with Nuvigil, I’ll take a quarter more, sometimes it helps. Usually by 1 or 2pm my day starts improving. I think it is due to the Nuvigil build up.

Always, always I am grateful when my drug induced presence arrives. No more in my head, life is still pointless. Yet, that thought doesn’t overwhelm me. It doesn’t debilitate me. Like now, I am finally free, sometime over the last hour the most difficult of those thoughts melted away. I think it is becoming more noticeable due to building up tolerance to my medications. It would make sense. I’ve been looking at my blog more over the past mounth, drinking more over the past month, struggling more.

It is hard to see depression setting in. You never realize it at first, just a bad day, week, I can make it better. I feel guilty because I keep making all these stupid mistakes. Eventually, know this is a dip back into greater sorrow.

Oh, well. Feeling alright now, here now, capable now. I’m off to the gym.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg


Focus on your worthless life

One Year Without Adderall

Haven’t posted in a while. I started writing this post and just noticed the date.

One year and one day ago I stopped taking Adderall.


It was hell. I started taking Adderall five years ago for ADHD, which I do have. Adderall became my tool for escaping my depression, instead of merely aiding me with attention. Sad, stressed, annoyed? Take an Adderall.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts since third grade. Starting in middle school, as I began to fight my homosexual nature, I started having severe emotional lows. I’d hide somewhere, cry for hours, beg God to kill me, contemplate how to kill myself, this would between a few hours and a few days. Crashing, I called it.

Always had it, well middle school on. Once or twice a week I’d crash, have an evening of hiding, crying, wanting death and so on. Then I’d be fine the next day.

It became normal. Early in my prescription I realized if I took an Adderall when crashing, boom, I escaped it. Adderall let me focus on something else, get up and do something. It freed me from the crash.

Slowly I used it more and more to avoid my scary lows. 

The thirty days before I quit Adderall I was taking about 150mg a day. I’d been taking about 100mg a day for a few months before that.

I blogged about it. You can go back and see. It got scary. I hated myself. I had intense suicidal desires that I detailed on this blog. 

Most of those are gone. I don’t crash anymore, really. I do to some degree, but it is so different. It is just lows, not a real crash.

Nothing is perfect. I still think about killing myself, about how worthless life is, how meaningless existence is. In fact, I struggled with those thoughts much of the morning. They weighed me down.

Still, they are different. I’m not planning my suicide, or visualizing it. I’m not scared to wake up. Not scared to be alone. Scared to go to work, answer the phone, walk out the door. I was. It got so bad, Adderall fueled emotion mood swings. It turned on me. Instead of supressing my emotions, the feed them. Amplified them. 

Adderall started as a tool to avoid my depression, it became fuel for it.

My quality of life a year off Adderall, better. Much better. It isn’t even comparable to be honest.

Life is mundane. But I’m grateful it is that now. For so long, probably a year to a year and a half before I went off Adderall, life was a daily fight for survival. It was a daily battle with my own mind to push myself through a day.

Now, life seems dull.

Dull is nice.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

One Year Without Adderall