You worthless drug addict

Take more medication. It will help. Take more than prescribed, it will help. They don’t get what this feels like, they would do the same. They don’t know the burden.

Fuck off. Medications have seemed so right lately. I’m not taking more. It’d make it tempting to take meds when feeling  down, when feeling a bit off.

But yesterday, not awful, but difficult. Many thoughts about wanting to die, thirty, maybe fifty. Life, worthless and pointless.

Take more. 

No.

Do you want another yesterday? Take just a quarter more, it’s 62.5 milligrams added to the 250mg prescribed. It isn’t much. Take more. It will help.

No.

Take more.

And then I rushed to the pill bottle, split one into quarters and swallowed it quickly. Relief. The stress of the debate was over. Will my mood improve? Likely. I’ll feel more alive for several hours. And what worthless drug dependent shitty fag depressive doesn’t deserve that?

Me.

Advertisements
You worthless drug addict

6 thoughts on “You worthless drug addict

  1. Ok, first off I don’t know you but I know that I love your honesty when too many people are writing about the positive side of recovery/sobriety and depression. I personally don’t find it helpful. I want to know that I’m not alone in the way that I FEEL EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am an alcoholic, Bipolar, with Conversion Disorder and Social Phobia/Anxiety. I say I’m in Remission. It’s less pressure. I don’t know about everyone but this time of year is always my hardest. No one is perfect, no one has all the answers including doctors. You do what you have to in order to survive another day. As long as you do not get hurt and no one else is hurt in the process. In the grand scheme of things what you did isn’t horrendous it’s a small bump that snowballed into a mountain of guilt and shame. There is no shame in trying to get through a day you don’t want to. Please take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s