Take more medication. It will help. Take more than prescribed, it will help. They don’t get what this feels like, they would do the same. They don’t know the burden.
Fuck off. Medications have seemed so right lately. I’m not taking more. It’d make it tempting to take meds when feeling down, when feeling a bit off.
But yesterday, not awful, but difficult. Many thoughts about wanting to die, thirty, maybe fifty. Life, worthless and pointless.
Do you want another yesterday? Take just a quarter more, it’s 62.5 milligrams added to the 250mg prescribed. It isn’t much. Take more. It will help.
And then I rushed to the pill bottle, split one into quarters and swallowed it quickly. Relief. The stress of the debate was over. Will my mood improve? Likely. I’ll feel more alive for several hours. And what worthless drug dependent shitty fag depressive doesn’t deserve that?
Peak of Nuvigil, always a bit of anxiety. It helps so much most of the day, but is brutal for a brief period.
I am still good. Better than I have been in a years. Yet these dips into semi-hell, nothing like my lows before, but the lows still suck.
I want to kill myself. I want to die. I want to place that gun in my mouth and —
No. I don’t.
I doing well. Yes, well.
Its why I haven’t blogged in nearly a month, suddenly life is going more smoothly.
How? What is the answer? What did I do to achieve this? Therapy?
Drugs. Really. The two medications that have been life changing, Seroquel XR and Nuvigil.
Seroquel takes me out of the constant state of mild panic that has been my life. Nuvigil gives me a bit of a boost, this helps fight the lethargy caused by the Seroquel. But it also does more, it enables me to live in the moment more.
Being present is the key to happiness.
Every psychiatric visit I complete a depression evaluation. Moderate, last week I was within the range of moderate depression. The lowest I have ever been. Always been severe, usually towards the top of even that, once scoring over the serve depression category.
Answers? None. All I have to offer is my experience.
I thought I was blogging for others, I mean, I knew it was for me, but I also wanted to share my experiences. I know others struggle. Judging by the view count on months I don’t belong, a few hundred, this blog was mostly for me. That is okay, I think.
Not sure how often I’ll be blogging. But I still haven’t conquered this yet. I’m just closer then I’ve ever been.