I’m going to fucking make it better

woman-1940On Thursday I had another appointment with my psychiatrist, it is almost a biweekly event.

I’ve been alright, I guess. Not good. But not always anxious and not to many suicidal thoughts. A desire to live? None. I said that with the litany of medications we have tried, it seems my expectations are too great. Medication helps silence the anxiety, it helps to level out my mood, it numbs.

I don’t believe medication can or will provide me a desire to live. That scares me.

I have none.

Well, maybe I do. I am feeling more anxious in this moment, more than I have been today. It is what got me up and blogging. However, I am realizing that Nuvigil might be kicking in. Curious. Well, maybe not so curious.

Adderall gave me horrendous anxiety, as I increased Nuvigil it did as well. That is why I we starting dividing my dose, half in the morning and half in the afternoon. However, maybe just less. I am always resistant to less stimulants because the functionality they provide. This so clearly makes sense though.

Fingers crossed it helps. I’m done hoping it gets better. I’m going to fucking make it better.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 12pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg (tappeing), Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

Advertisements
I’m going to fucking make it better

5 thoughts on “I’m going to fucking make it better

  1. not sure if it helps but doing exercise (any) that leaves you breathless (you must lose your breath doing it) releases endorphins and drops your cortisol and anxiety/stress markers. i get anxiety, frustration, anger i go to gym, climb hills, skipping, run, stairs, pace the driveway… anything etc – everytime i feel it i do it. harness the anger and frustration and do something that helps you but makes you stronger. maybe mine isnt as intense but the feeling definitely stokes the fires and motivates me to fight back. peace strength and love to you and everyone experiencing these struggles and challenges 💕

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sounds like a difficult space for you right now. Being comfortable with your psychiatrist is really important. I agree with marcellemae, harness your energy. But if you’re feeling numb, could there be side effects from one of the drugs? I know not everyone does, but I was absolutely exhausted on seroquel (my namesake). Thinking of you xx

    Like

  3. Sometimes it feels like these Psychiatrist use us as guinea pigs to see what medications they can force on us. Look at your notes, listen to what we are saying is wrong, and try to understand how we feel. I hate the way they say “try this at this amount, and take it at such and such time”. Then you go back and tell them what you experienced and it’s well let’s try this instead. In the meantime, your brain is working overtime. Xo

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s