Facing my depression is the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn’t reach this conclusion lightly. Coming out was biggest challenge I had ever faced. Not sure my conservative family and friends would abandon me, preparing myself for some ruined relationship, making sure I was emotionally distant enough to ensure the ending of familiar relationship would not be catastrophic.
I wake up every morning scared. To face the day, scared of the various and plentiful triggers that developed over the past few years. What if I get a difficult email? What if I have to engage in an awkward social interaction? What if I feel tired all day and slack off at work? What if…. I stay scared for the first three to four hours of everyday.
Once Nuvigil kicks in my mind calms. It stops feeling overwhelmed by the variety of challenges I might face that day. Instead I can focus on the now, I can take my day step by step. Nothing seems impossible when I can get my head out of the clouds and into the now.
Today I am worried. By this time I am usually no longer struggling with my fear and desires to die. I just took the second part of my Nuvigil dose, desperation. Make it stop. Nobody deserves this.
I wish I had the bottle, I’d take more. It is times like this I stop caring.
It has largely faded. Why? I don’t know. Maybe that last fourth of Nuvigil kicked in. I can’t tell you how wonderful the relief is. It just disappears for a bit, life ceases to be overwhelming for a few hours a day.
I’m doing better. I can be in the moment more. This is so hard. The part that scares me most is the hopelessness of it all. We have tried so many meds, and yet I have found only partial relief. I don’t imagine any darastic new improvements. It seems this is where I’ll be. Maybe I’ll get used to. Maybe I will stop having such relentless desires to die, maybe.
I deserve this. My anxiety was always an issue. Now it is worse. But it appears to be worse due to my years of abusing Adderall. That is what I get for trying to skip my depressive episodes using stimulants.
Guilty. Always guilty. God, and this is me doing good. Right now I am at the best I’ve felt all day. And this is it.
I need to plan something this evening, something to look forward to. But I doubt I will come up with anything. Maybe I will. But I won’t actually look forward to it. I am just passing time. I don’t give a fuck about anything – anything other than this. This I give a fuck about. Make. This. Stop.