Medication solves depression

nwdlfse37ftwgupvi7d0zwcx8szlcfftynml2wnvyyaThis page has been blank for at least ten minutes. I am at a coffee shop. In a past life, before my depression consumed everything, I frequently dropped into a bunch of different local coffee shops. It is nice to get out of the house, work on whatever and people watch.

Of course, in the last few months before I entirely went off Adderall I rarely left the house other than for work. At work I was scared much of the time, a low level of panic throughout every day — all day. I feared social interaction, going to sleep, eating out, everything. The anxiety poisoned everything.

I’m fairly confident I’ve always operated in a state of mild anxiety. I know my first suicidal thoughts were in third grade. I relished the thought of the teacher telling everyone. The students would look shocked, some would cry, the boy who was mean to me would know it was his fault. Killing myself would solve so much.

At thirteen I began to grapple with my sexuality. Always, always had I been attracted to boys, to my friends. In fourth and fifth grade I’d play with myself while imagining my friends and I all  wrestling and rolling around naked. I didn’t know why I liked it, maybe I just want to check if I looked normal.

Growing up conservative I knew about the homosexuals. Perverts. Pedophiles. ——

You know what. Never mind. I want to explain why I am this way. I want to justify it. Tragic childhood. Self-hatred. Blah, blah, blah.

However, when I crash, when I want to die, taking a walk doesn’t pull me out of. Neither does going for a drive, or writing about it. Spending time with friends or having a dog also doesn’t interrupt my suicidal thoughts.

Telling myself my thoughts are just words, doesn’t help. Singing my suicidal thoughts to make them sound ridiculous, that is ridiculous. The thoughts still persist.

The desire to kill oneself isn’t rational. Even in those moments, the lowest of the low, when I am curled up into a ball screaming in my head to spray my brains on the wall, I know those thoughts aren’t rational. To some degree I’m aware I don’t want to die, even in those moments, it is why I am still here.

I feel fine right now, I’m glad to be at a coffee shop. I don’t feel fine because I got out of my house and went to a coffee shop. No, going out when crashing, terrifying, panic inducing.

Medicine can fix this. It is why Adderall got so out of control, it gave me access to a life I never realized existed. I hate myself, I hate myself because I view myself as a disappointment. And unless I become a tech billionaire and president, I’ll continue to be unsatisfied with my life.

Adderall showed me a life were I wasn’t paralyzed by the constant internal war. Adderall let me experience the world in the moment, it let me ignore my head and concentrate on now. Nuvigil is doing that right now. It goes up and down, part of the day/dose is better than others, parts are still bad.

I’ve always tried to fight this battle, always. There wasn’t a choice, you either fight against the suicidal thoughts or obey them.

The idea that my actions are useless, I hate. Partly because I feel personally responsible for every failure, I love torturing myself with those failures. Inability to function emotionally — failure. But I don’t think it is within my control. Medication is so different than therapeutic tools. Therapeutic tools comfort, to some degree, during those moments of internal warfare.

Medication removes the conflict from erupting, it prevents the war. There is no fight to lose, no carnage. There is just Saturday, me and a coffee shop.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg (125mg at 7am, 125mg at 1pm), Memantine 10mg (new), Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Trazadone 100mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel XR 300

Medication solves depression

10 thoughts on “Medication solves depression

  1. Hey I went through something similar and medications helped me. But somewhere you have to lift yourself out of depression too…do something out of the box, jump in the swimming pool of new people…meet strangers…make new friends…who wont judge you…that is how I coped…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah. It fixes it temporary for me. I wrote that during a pretty good moment, at least for me. So the title is an overstatement, I’m leaving it though. It kinda shows how unpredictable mood is for many of us.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I am sorry to tell you that but they only kill your brain and nothing else, they just turn you off, your brain it is working in a very proper way so you are “dangerous” for the society and the only thing you get is that they will turn you off with drugs…. Sigh…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I like meds better than therapy. That makes me a hypocrite, because I have a Masters in counseling, but it’s true. Bipolar depression tends to be an all too common companion of mine, and when it’s so bad that I don’t get up and I don’t go anywhere for days or weeks the last thing I want to do is TALK to someone about my childhood, or do some sort of CBT “homework”. I just want to feel better, and my meds help with that. I eventually hash out my “stuff” in writing or with a friend I’ve known forever. But on my terms. I don’t NEED to do that. I NEED my meds. I guess that’s how I see the meds vs. therapy thing. Do I still think big pharma is a bunch of rich assholes taking advantage of us? Yes.

    Good for you going out to the coffee house for awhile. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ramshaahmed1 says:

    I’m so glad you’re feelinb better and I hope you continue to keep getting better. Medication can make a huge impact. Hope your depression leaves completely

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I have experienced major depressive episodes since I was in my teenage, that is like eight years ago but I had a big break a few months ago. It’s a book I read and a little self-psychotherapy. You probably know this already but, although risky, self-psychotherapy is one of the best ways to manage depression because you are the most qualified candidate to understanding yourself. Purging in writing and poetry really give the instant gratification but we can be better than that. I have tons of sad poetry and purge posts in my blog but I’m grateful that I can feel the changes now and my blog is taking a more positive tone. I want that for you. I will try to make a blog post about how I dodge my depressive episodes. Until then, I’m glad you sublimate in your writing. Help will come from all directions.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s