Meetings never hold my attention. My mind finds ways to fill the time. I’ve been fighting the thoughts of killing myself, been pretty good at it today. I wish that mattered.
I know I have no reason to feel sad, to feel depressed, yet I do. So my mind scrables for a reason to justify the unjustifiable feelings.
“Oh, you feel awful. Lets think about all your failures, I bet one of them is why.”
I’ve redirected, avoided those thoughts. Not entirely, but by in large I’ve avoid the scarier types of thoughts.
My mood? Not present. Sad. I feel so tired, bored and generally sad. I have no desire to engage, talk, live.
So, nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe I don’t fight hard enough. Maybe I take too many meds. Maybe I take too few. Maybe I should die.
Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel 150mg (new)