Suicide Meeting

My morning has started off on a dull note. We have a bunch of meetings once a month. I am in one right now, one after another. 

Meetings never hold my attention. My mind finds ways to fill the time. I’ve been fighting the thoughts of killing myself, been pretty good at it today. I wish that mattered.
I know I have no reason to feel sad, to feel depressed, yet I do. So my mind scrables for a reason to justify the unjustifiable feelings. 
“Oh, you feel awful. Lets think about all your failures, I bet one of them is why.”
I’ve redirected, avoided those thoughts. Not entirely, but by in large I’ve avoid the scarier types of thoughts. 

My mood? Not present. Sad. I feel so tired, bored and generally sad. I have no desire to engage, talk, live. 

So, nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe I don’t fight hard enough. Maybe I take too many meds. Maybe I take too few. Maybe I should die.

Maybe.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel 150mg (new)

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Suicide Meeting

2 thoughts on “Suicide Meeting

  1. Dude, my mind wonders too. Think about this… what if every time you think of killing yourself it occurrs in a parallel universe like quantum theory. That way in this world you are a survivor and many versions of you are not and thinking of it as served its purpose so just move on. I am in no position to preach but thinking like this has helped me a lot. Stay strong, thinking it is feeling it so it makes us exhausted

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry you’re struggling…keep fighting for one more day, one more hour, one more minute…whatever you have to do to make it through. My psychiatrist once said, “I promise you this will get better…but you have to be around if you want to see it.” I felt like that was a bit profound.

    Thanks for being alive. It encourages the rest of us to keep fighting. A win for you is a win for all of us.

    Liked by 2 people

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