Help your depression, abuse your prescriptions

swagmanI’m scared. Right now I am scared of it coming back. Nuvigil is at its peak. I feel a bit more capable, not lost in the negative whirl that is my mind. For the first three hours after Nuvigil I sat on the couch and played a video game.

Stimulants give me a slight push, suddenly I can desire to do things. Every task no longer is impossible and pointless. Doing things can feel good. Enjoyment, that is what I have missed most since the end of my Adderall abuse. Investment, I want to feel invested in something.

At the peak of Nuvigil I can be. I no longer search for ways to fill and pass the time, instead I stop merely passing time and start living. It is everything.

It has been six months since I stopped taking Adderall. Can it really be having this large of an impact? Still?

I am even more scared now. As my psychiatrist I trust your judgement. But please don’t make any rash decisions. Please don’t take punitive action. Really. Over the last week and a half I started taking more Nuvigil than I am prescribed.

This is new, I had never previously gone over 250mg. I’ve only gone up to 300mg in a desperate attempt to stay functioning.

Am I chasing a high? No. I can swear to you I am not. Looking back, those were so awful. Jittery, anxious and a bit paranoid – awful. I’m trying to get up.

I don’t take it all at once. Instead, during the second crash I have found myself reaching for more pills. It is so difficult to chose to feel suicidal for a couple hours. I have access to a medication that lifts the burden.

My depression extends back to my earliest memories, it is why it took me so long to seek treatment. I didn’t think I was “depressed,” I was functioning just like I always had.

It is damn difficult to face that depression, that low, that crash everyday. In all honesty, I believe you would reach for more Nuvigil too. You’d cry for a half hour, sometimes an hour, while chewing on your bottom lip. You’d beg your mind to stop, practice breathing, externalizing, therapeutic tools and more. Then, then exhausted and defeated you would get up and split up a pill. You’d take it and feel the intense hatred for disobeying your doctor, again. And again. You’d start crying. You’d feel like all your failings warranted suicide.

An hour later, slowly, you get more interested in the TV, or you get up and get something to eat and it all stops. Suddenly your mind is on something different. It doesn’t immediately stray back. You still absolutely fucking hate you. Yet, you don’t have to obsess about it. In fact, you know that is something you should work on. You feel empowered.

Stimulants are the only thing that does this. Seroquel calms me, yet it doesn’t help with the thoughts to the same degree. This is why I wondered about a possible dopamine deficiency.

We have a medication that enables me to feel alive. Will stimulants always work, probably not. Although, Nuvigil has a study conducted over four years showing little tolerance build up. But can’t I have a bit more? Maybe 300mg? Will I always want more? Possibly. I just want to split the doses. I guess I could take 150mg in the morning and 100mg in the afternoon.

But I do think more would be beneficial, and again, I am not chasing a high. And I swear on my life, if we find something better, I’ll switch.

I hate taking stimulants. But I hate suicidal thoughts more.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel 150mg (new)

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Help your depression, abuse your prescriptions

6 thoughts on “Help your depression, abuse your prescriptions

  1. It’s a difficult thing, knowing what to take and what not to take, knowing what’s enough and what’s to much. I struggle as well. Just yesterday I caught myself singing with honest joy. I’ve cut both my meds in half and now I “feel.” I’m not numb, but the drawback is that I’m irritated by loud noises, more than one noise at a time, abrupt noises or entrances…just to make a few, and the people around me don’t understand. It’s a lonely place. I’m on the verge of healing but I’m not sure those around me can tolerate me. I understand your battle and pray for your victory.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Ibrahim Abdullah says:

    The pointlessness haunts me.
    The catatonia taunts me.
    Everything around me seems moving
    while I remain static.
    Self loathing frequently jaunts me.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I hear you. For the first time in a long time I thought of drinking. I was driving and listening to the radio when an old favorite of mine came on. I remember drinking, laughing, talking, and not caring or feeling. Now I sit alone in silence most days. When I have energy to do something I talk myself out of it. Fear keeps me prisoner. I still think your Doctor is a distant relative of Dr. Frankenstein. NUVIGIL 250mg~ at a higher dose causes depression, sadness or an empty feeling also a loss of interest in everything LAMICTAL 200mg~ You already know SEROQUEL 150mg~ should only be taken at bedtime, causes sedation, suicidal thoughts or suicide in patients with Major Depressive Disorder dose changes have to be heavily monitored (I hated this one) PRISTIQ 100mg~ For Major Depressive Disorder not approved for Bipolar because it can increase the risk of a mixed/manic episode 50mg is the starting and therapeutic dose (Saw myself hanging from trees at library. It wasn’t good.) ABILIFY 10mg~ Treats manic/mixed episodes target dose is 15mg causes compulsiveness, Diabetes Mellitus, and a Low White Blood Cell Count (I developed Diabetes and a Low White Blood Cell Count that I never recovered from) TRAZADONE 50 mg~ For Major Depressive Disorder Antidepressant but can worsen depression in Bipolar patients STRATTERA 80mg~ ADHD This one you know. Trazadone was also a nightmare for me. There hasn’t been much that HAS worked. What I’m on now keeps everything kind of ok. I’m alive. It’s enough for now. VIIBRYD-40mg TOPAMAX-100mg 2x/day ADDERALL-30mg 1/day KLONOPIN-2mg at night. Like I said it isn’t perfect but I have more ok days than bad.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hello my friend, first let me thank you for following me, I’m following you. I haven’t had a chance to know you so I will say little about mental illness. Adderall is a form of speed, any drug that is in the SPEED category will take you through withdraw. I take Dexedrine, mostly SPEED. I went through 100% withdraw because my pharmacy didn’t see I had a new RX for the next fill. I was in full blown crazy, living in the bathroom throwing myself around because it felt like being kicked in the stomach and in total pain. After a week of hell, I get my first pill, by the third or fourth day, everything is cool. My mental illness has taken me thru the swamps, but I’ve not had effects last that long after stopping. Maybe there is more to the story I’ll learn over time.
    Sending you health and happiness.
    🙂
    M

    Like

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