I’m scared. Right now I am scared of it coming back. Nuvigil is at its peak. I feel a bit more capable, not lost in the negative whirl that is my mind. For the first three hours after Nuvigil I sat on the couch and played a video game.
Stimulants give me a slight push, suddenly I can desire to do things. Every task no longer is impossible and pointless. Doing things can feel good. Enjoyment, that is what I have missed most since the end of my Adderall abuse. Investment, I want to feel invested in something.
At the peak of Nuvigil I can be. I no longer search for ways to fill and pass the time, instead I stop merely passing time and start living. It is everything.
It has been six months since I stopped taking Adderall. Can it really be having this large of an impact? Still?
I am even more scared now. As my psychiatrist I trust your judgement. But please don’t make any rash decisions. Please don’t take punitive action. Really. Over the last week and a half I started taking more Nuvigil than I am prescribed.
This is new, I had never previously gone over 250mg. I’ve only gone up to 300mg in a desperate attempt to stay functioning.
Am I chasing a high? No. I can swear to you I am not. Looking back, those were so awful. Jittery, anxious and a bit paranoid – awful. I’m trying to get up.
I don’t take it all at once. Instead, during the second crash I have found myself reaching for more pills. It is so difficult to chose to feel suicidal for a couple hours. I have access to a medication that lifts the burden.
My depression extends back to my earliest memories, it is why it took me so long to seek treatment. I didn’t think I was “depressed,” I was functioning just like I always had.
It is damn difficult to face that depression, that low, that crash everyday. In all honesty, I believe you would reach for more Nuvigil too. You’d cry for a half hour, sometimes an hour, while chewing on your bottom lip. You’d beg your mind to stop, practice breathing, externalizing, therapeutic tools and more. Then, then exhausted and defeated you would get up and split up a pill. You’d take it and feel the intense hatred for disobeying your doctor, again. And again. You’d start crying. You’d feel like all your failings warranted suicide.
An hour later, slowly, you get more interested in the TV, or you get up and get something to eat and it all stops. Suddenly your mind is on something different. It doesn’t immediately stray back. You still absolutely fucking hate you. Yet, you don’t have to obsess about it. In fact, you know that is something you should work on. You feel empowered.
Stimulants are the only thing that does this. Seroquel calms me, yet it doesn’t help with the thoughts to the same degree. This is why I wondered about a possible dopamine deficiency.
We have a medication that enables me to feel alive. Will stimulants always work, probably not. Although, Nuvigil has a study conducted over four years showing little tolerance build up. But can’t I have a bit more? Maybe 300mg? Will I always want more? Possibly. I just want to split the doses. I guess I could take 150mg in the morning and 100mg in the afternoon.
But I do think more would be beneficial, and again, I am not chasing a high. And I swear on my life, if we find something better, I’ll switch.
I hate taking stimulants. But I hate suicidal thoughts more.
Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg, Seroquel 150mg (new)