Choosing Happiness – You’re Welcome

firefox_2016-10-03_11-25-06“Happiness is a choice,” she said.

“Thanks, of course,” I lied.

What I actually meant? Fuck you. If you believe that, you don’t know real depression, fuck, you have no idea. Sad? No. It is not sadness, at least not what I have, “severe depression.” It is constantly fighting the thought that you are so god damn worthless you should be executed. The executioner, myself. I don’t even believe in capital punishment, it is a racist and barbaric practice. Yet, when it comes to me?

Apparently, I consider myself worse than murders, rapist and terrorist, because in the depths of depression, I entirely believe I should blow my fucking head off. And I fight. God, do I fight. I try to stay positive, remind myself it is just a passing mood, I don’t have a real reason to feel so awful. All of this helps, because happiness is a choice. Fuck. None of it helps. Nothing helps. I wait for the mood to pass. Then I remember that I’m not great, but not horrible enough to merit remove from this planet.

“Happiness is a choice,” she said.

“Thanks, of course,” I lied.

Having zero self-confidence, constantly needing external validation often leads me to playing a role for people. I know few who dislike me, I constantly play roles for those around me. I’ll make jokes about fashion, musicals and Cher for those who appreciate a gay schtick and I couldn’t care less about any of the three. Religious? I’ll say “bless” and pretend that I pray. Whatever gets me positive reinforcement. Please, validate me.

It is pathetic. I know that. It is exhausting. And yet the fear of rejection conquers all.

I don’t love myself, but maybe you will. Please, at least pretend.

 

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Choosing Happiness – You’re Welcome

15 thoughts on “Choosing Happiness – You’re Welcome

  1. I don’t know who came up with “Happiness is a choice” but they should have been shot. It’s not some magic wand we can wave. I will say however though that it’s more like gardening or farming. We can invest in it. We can cultivate it. We can do all the things required so that happiness can have a chance because if we don’t then we are surely fucked. But to just say it’s a choice and to magically have it happen just like that? No. That never happens.

    I will say that we to need to be willing to make changes to meds that are not working. We need to clearly tell our providers how these meds make us feel – physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think it’s complete bullshit to be told it’s treatment resistance and then to be left on the same med. It solves nothing. Advocate. Fight for better.

    We need to be willing to tell our therapists the actual conditions of our lives. Tell them how we actually feel. We need to call them out on their bullshit when they’re not being helpful. We are our best advocates. They are being paid to listen to us, not the other way around. You can get platitudes and useless advice for free elsewhere. This is their job. Make them do it.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I completely understand the need to be validated, liked, lusted after, all that shit… You’ll cling on to any person showing an interest in you regardless of whether or not they’re good for you, they care about you, you care about them… You don’t even have to actually fucking like them as long as they show some kind of interest… But I’m learning to show myself a bit more respect. But I lapse, often. KEEP THE FAITH ✊ – and I mean that in a strictly non-religious way 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. me says:

    Next time someone says that to you, in a very low, monotone voice, tell them to go fuck themselves … I promise, its EXTREMELY liberating as you watch the disbelief cross their face … *did they just tell me too go fuck myself … no, i don’t believe it* … 🙂 That feeling, as you watch them squirm in disbelief and stunned surprise … that right there is our “Happiness” 😉

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That made me laugh.

      I want to try it, but I know there is the equal possibility a person living in a world of magic, flowers, and fluffy bunnies will see it as a reason to redouble their efforts and end up throwing more glitter at me. Or whatever the equivalent of a Care Bear Stare may be.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. me says:

        LOL possibly … thats when those little hand held battery propelled fans come in handy!! …blow that glitter back where it came from! … the point is, they should keep their bullshit suggestions to themselves!!! 😉 (btw .. liking the phrase ‘Care Bear Stare’!)

        Liked by 3 people

  4. I used to believe in pithy statements like “happiness is a choice”, and when I came to realize how foolish and how wrong they are, I also felt a bit of anger towards sources placing them in my environment. Now they simply add to my cynicism; though I still manage a thought of “fuck off” to remind myself of their unimportance.

    People who spout nonsense like that are speaking from a position of privilege: the privilege of never having (had) to deal with depression. And an aspect of privilege is to be unaware of it. They don’t understand that “happiness is a choice” can actually be damaging to someone who expends much of their mental and emotional energy merely keeping their head above water. When just functioning is an accomplishment, “happiness is a choice” translates into your best isn’t good enough or any number of reactive thoughts which lead to a downward spiral.

    I am glad there are others who recoil at well-meaning yet hollow motivations. Your thoughts and feelings are justified.

    Thank you for writing this.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. God, I’ve been there. Why is it so hard for people to understand that sometimes not saying anything at all and just being there, actually being there, is so much more meaningful to us. I know they mean well but it’s so insensitive. Somehow they found the almighty cure to depression.. “Happiness is a choice” HA! If only. I guess ignorance really is bliss.

    Liked by 1 person

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