Blow your fucking brains out

testing-a-bulletproof-vest-1923I don’t want to write this.

I’m fucking angry. Angry at fucking nothing. Well, that isn’t true. I just want to pretend like it is about nothing. Fuck.

Taking my pills this morning I realized I was out of Nuvigil. Well, other than the 100mg I had left from when I was cutting up pills. I promptly took that. Why? Because I was tired and would have to go to the pharmacy.

Headed over to the pharmacy and picked up my pills. Of course, I took a full 200mg dose. Why? Because I was still tired and feeling off and scared. Fucking scared. Scared of another off day where I can’t escape my desire to end my pointless fucking life. I do nothing. Am nothing. Will accomplish nothing. Fuck. Fuck.

I attempted to run a few hours later, I was feeling anxious. After a mile I was already tired. A year ago I regularly ran ten to fifteen miles a week. Now? I might run once a week, maybe doing four miles. Going off Adderall and on Seroquel, my weight rapidly shot up. I had been the same weight since high school, no more. I went up forty pounds in three fucking month. Now, now I can’t lose it. I can’t because I am a lazy fat fuck. Die.

Today I did three and walked about half of it. Getting home I thought I might beat off. Organisms make me happy, at least for a few seconds.

Oh, I am not that interested in sex because all of the god damn medications I am on. Cumming is often impossible. So many medications, so many because I have to drug myself to make it through every fucking day because I am a fucking worthless fucking piece of shit. Fuck.

I just took more Nuvigil, 50mg or so. Why? I am a weak fucking piece of shit. Jesus Christ.

I want to try drinking, but I won’t. I’ll just sit here and bear this. Trying to remember I don’t always want to blow my fucking brains out. Fuck.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 40mg (new), Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

 

 

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Blow your fucking brains out

14 thoughts on “Blow your fucking brains out

  1. I don’t know you, but you liked one of my posts and so here I am. There is no possible way you are nothing. I read another post n your blog about spending time with family. You are something to them. Please never stop knowing that. -Chantel

    Liked by 2 people

  2. spoonriver2015 says:

    Not sure if you can call yourself “weak” if you are still trying to figure it out–and blogging about it. I know that sounds like positivity bullshit….but it is true. And you have an audience. Anyway, someone above called this a “surviving day.” Good way to look at it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi friend
    It’s hard to like a post when you’re writing about suffering the effects of mental illness and suicide. I suffered many years trying to finding right mix of meds, and gained unwanted weight myself. When you’re battling the beast, your brain is filled with negative talk. You refer to the past as if isn’t who you are now, you are that person, illness is effecting you the way serious medical diseases do. You followed me for a reason, I’m here, hold out my hand for what I can offer as another with mental illness and much older. Take me up on talking, we can both learn how to help each other. http://www.lookingforthelightblog.wordpress.com
    Melinda

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It is hard to like a post that has so much raw pain in it… but if you are like me, the purging of words takes some of the pain out of our bodies and onto the screen. I pray that you find some relief and realize how strong you truly are. (((HUGS)))

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You have such a brave and powerful voice. Battling mental illness, for me, has been an endless uphill battle so I can empathize with your situation. I am often angry at myself, angry at my illness, and fucking tired of fighting. So far I haven’t given up and I urge you not to give up. Fight it, rage at the illness but not yourself. You are perfect and strong and worthy of love and happiness. Believe it and find ways to keep going and pursue your dreams❤

    Liked by 1 person

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