I spent yesterday fighting the desire to die, all day. It didn’t stop. I’d push it away and a few minutes later it’d come back louder. To fight that desire I wrote a list of reasons I want to live.
1. Dan – he is supportive and kind, brilliant and witty, he is everything. You want to marry him in the near future (you’re engaged), have a family with him and travel the world.
2. Your job can be enjoyable if you let it. You think you are contributing to a larger good, even if it is in a small way. You started the LGBTQ group, it not only helps and supports others at work, it helps you.
3. The community group you lead once a week is impactful. The drop in “class” helps seniors learn different computer skills. It is great to see their excitement as they get connected to a broader world.
4. Video games, not always, but you can get completely hooked on a new video game, just like when you were a child.
5. There is nothing better than a good beer. You enjoy trying and discovering new craft beers. It is a good outlet for you.
6. Blogging is often a struggle and doesn’t always help you, but maybe there is someone out there that gets something out of it. Maybe they read it and identify, or learn, or feel less alone – anything.
7. Every week you get to make a small impact on Pat’s child. You started hanging out with him over six years ago. Pat, a friend of a friend, wanted a male who had attended college in her son’s life. She hadn’t and didn’t want him to struggle like her. He is incredible. He will get some scholarships but you will pay the rest, even if you have to take out loans. He deserves it. You are lucky to know him.
8. You fight really really really hard. It must be for something. You’ve always struggled like this, you’re still here. You are because somewhere deep down you want to be. You might hate yourself, but you are strong, resilient. You fight your mind on a daily basis, you’re still here. I’m proud of you.
I think this helped some. I don’t know. I’m always sad. I still feel tired and sad. It is just in my head, I am fine. But I am not. But I am.
Nope. Still exactly where I was. I’m fighting. I’m got eight hours of sleep and feel tired. I might not thinking about death so much right now, but my general mood hasn’t changed. It never will. Oh well.
Update: And twenty minutes later I am back to obsessing about my desire to die. I’m tire of this shit.
Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg (new), Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg