Reasons to live

I spent yesterday fighting the desire to die, all day. It didn’t stop. I’d push it away and a few minutes later it’d come back louder. To fight that desire I wrote a list of reasons I want to live.

1. Dan – he is supportive and kind, brilliant and witty, he is everything. You want to marry him in the near future (you’re engaged), have a family with him and travel the world.

2. Your job can be enjoyable if you let it. You think you are contributing to a larger good, even if it is in a small way. You started the LGBTQ group, it not only helps and supports others at work, it helps you.

3. The community group you lead once a week is impactful. The drop in “class” helps seniors learn different computer skills. It is great to see their excitement as they get connected to a broader world.

4. Video games, not always, but you can get completely hooked on a new video game, just like when you were a child.

5. There is nothing better than a good beer. You enjoy trying and discovering new craft beers. It is a good outlet for you.

6. Blogging is often a struggle and doesn’t always help you, but maybe there is someone out there that gets something out of it. Maybe they read it and identify, or learn, or feel less alone – anything.

7. Every week you get to make a small impact on Pat’s child. You started hanging out with him over six years ago. Pat, a friend of a friend, wanted a male who had attended college in her son’s life. She hadn’t and didn’t want him to struggle like her. He is incredible. He will get some scholarships but you will pay the rest, even if you have to take out loans. He deserves it. You are lucky to know him.

8. You fight really really really hard. It must be for something. You’ve always struggled like this, you’re still here. You are because somewhere deep down you want to be. You might hate yourself, but you are strong, resilient. You fight your mind on a daily basis, you’re still here. I’m proud of you.

I think this helped some. I don’t know. I’m always sad. I still feel tired and sad. It is just in my head, I am fine. But I am not. But I am.

Nope. Still exactly where I was. I’m fighting. I’m got eight hours of sleep and feel tired. I might not thinking about death so much right now, but my general mood hasn’t changed. It never will. Oh well.

Update: And twenty minutes later I am back to obsessing about my desire to die. I’m tire of this shit.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg (new), Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

Reasons to live

15 thoughts on “Reasons to live

  1. myambivalentexistence says:

    You are a good person. You are a kind and giving person. The world is better because you are in it. *hugs* I am sorry it is so difficult for you right now 😦

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Life is difficult in unique ways for everyone that has or will ever live. It’s a constant struggle to continue the path you’ve been walking down since your conception, and it’s full of twists and turns and potholes and hazards that will try (and sometimes will succeed) to stop you in your tracks. One of the best ways to overcome these hazards is to just persevere for the sake of persevering; how could you ever know if life gets better if you don’t live it for as long as possible? I know that what I’m saying is probably discredited by the fact that I don’t suffer from major depression, but I live with someone who does, and she’s getting better everyday because she just tries to keep on keepin’ on just for the hell of it. It’s not an overnight process, and it’s likely one of the most difficult things a person could ever do, but we’re all here to support you through trying times such as these. With that said, I wish you good luck, I hope you are able to feel better soon, and keep on keepin’ on.
    P.S. If you’re looking for a new video game to play, I recommend Destiny. They just released a new DLC on Tuesday, and almost everyone is friendly (at least on PS4). It’s my go-to game for when I’m feeling like I want to die, or when I feel like I need to wash my hands.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Liz says:

    You are worth everything BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! Remember that. I suffer from Great Depression. But now it know hat to do with this depression. Before I would fight it. But now it know it will pass, I don’t fight over this DAMM depression, I just know it’s there and it will pass. And, the days ahead will go down on. You are a Beautiful PERSON. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT.


  4. Reason number 1. Just keep reading that reason and remember that you are number one to you’re number one. That’s worth living for if nothing else.

    Thank you for liking one of my posts, it brought me to your site (which I will follow). You don’t know me so my opinion is probably worth nothing but just know that you aren’t alone and even though I’ve never felt like you, I’ve lived through the emotions and I hope this passes for you> And one day you will see all of the reasons why you should stay and look forward to your life with Reason number one 🙂


  5. It’s extremely difficult to deal with constant pain, whether it’s physical or mental. There is no escape… except within these reasons that you’ve listed. Try to add to this list every week, whether they’re small things or big things.

    9. I found a praying mantis with my camera yesterday. My presence didn’t bother him at all. But, he didn’t do much. Just laid there, clinging to a leaf. Or was he really leafboarding? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This was a though provoking post. Reminded me of a spoken word poem by Shane Koyzcan (my spelling might be wrong, forgive me). It’s called “To This Day.”

    “We root for the underdog because we see ourselves in them. We stem from a root planted in the belief that we are not what we were called.”

    Check it out. I think you’d like it. Wishing you the best.

    Liked by 1 person

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