I don’t want to write this.
I’m fucking angry. Angry at fucking nothing. Well, that isn’t true. I just want to pretend like it is about nothing. Fuck.
Taking my pills this morning I realized I was out of Nuvigil. Well, other than the 100mg I had left from when I was cutting up pills. I promptly took that. Why? Because I was tired and would have to go to the pharmacy.
Headed over to the pharmacy and picked up my pills. Of course, I took a full 200mg dose. Why? Because I was still tired and feeling off and scared. Fucking scared. Scared of another off day where I can’t escape my desire to end my pointless fucking life. I do nothing. Am nothing. Will accomplish nothing. Fuck. Fuck.
I attempted to run a few hours later, I was feeling anxious. After a mile I was already tired. A year ago I regularly ran ten to fifteen miles a week. Now? I might run once a week, maybe doing four miles. Going off Adderall and on Seroquel, my weight rapidly shot up. I had been the same weight since high school, no more. I went up forty pounds in three fucking month. Now, now I can’t lose it. I can’t because I am a lazy fat fuck. Die.
Today I did three and walked about half of it. Getting home I thought I might beat off. Organisms make me happy, at least for a few seconds.
Oh, I am not that interested in sex because all of the god damn medications I am on. Cumming is often impossible. So many medications, so many because I have to drug myself to make it through every fucking day because I am a fucking worthless fucking piece of shit. Fuck.
I just took more Nuvigil, 50mg or so. Why? I am a weak fucking piece of shit. Jesus Christ.
I want to try drinking, but I won’t. I’ll just sit here and bear this. Trying to remember I don’t always want to blow my fucking brains out. Fuck.
Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 40mg (new), Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg