Blow your fucking brains out

testing-a-bulletproof-vest-1923I don’t want to write this.

I’m fucking angry. Angry at fucking nothing. Well, that isn’t true. I just want to pretend like it is about nothing. Fuck.

Taking my pills this morning I realized I was out of Nuvigil. Well, other than the 100mg I had left from when I was cutting up pills. I promptly took that. Why? Because I was tired and would have to go to the pharmacy.

Headed over to the pharmacy and picked up my pills. Of course, I took a full 200mg dose. Why? Because I was still tired and feeling off and scared. Fucking scared. Scared of another off day where I can’t escape my desire to end my pointless fucking life. I do nothing. Am nothing. Will accomplish nothing. Fuck. Fuck.

I attempted to run a few hours later, I was feeling anxious. After a mile I was already tired. A year ago I regularly ran ten to fifteen miles a week. Now? I might run once a week, maybe doing four miles. Going off Adderall and on Seroquel, my weight rapidly shot up. I had been the same weight since high school, no more. I went up forty pounds in three fucking month. Now, now I can’t lose it. I can’t because I am a lazy fat fuck. Die.

Today I did three and walked about half of it. Getting home I thought I might beat off. Organisms make me happy, at least for a few seconds.

Oh, I am not that interested in sex because all of the god damn medications I am on. Cumming is often impossible. So many medications, so many because I have to drug myself to make it through every fucking day because I am a fucking worthless fucking piece of shit. Fuck.

I just took more Nuvigil, 50mg or so. Why? I am a weak fucking piece of shit. Jesus Christ.

I want to try drinking, but I won’t. I’ll just sit here and bear this. Trying to remember I don’t always want to blow my fucking brains out. Fuck.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 40mg (new), Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

 

 

Blow your fucking brains out

Reasons to live

I spent yesterday fighting the desire to die, all day. It didn’t stop. I’d push it away and a few minutes later it’d come back louder. To fight that desire I wrote a list of reasons I want to live.

1. Dan – he is supportive and kind, brilliant and witty, he is everything. You want to marry him in the near future (you’re engaged), have a family with him and travel the world.

2. Your job can be enjoyable if you let it. You think you are contributing to a larger good, even if it is in a small way. You started the LGBTQ group, it not only helps and supports others at work, it helps you.

3. The community group you lead once a week is impactful. The drop in “class” helps seniors learn different computer skills. It is great to see their excitement as they get connected to a broader world.

4. Video games, not always, but you can get completely hooked on a new video game, just like when you were a child.

5. There is nothing better than a good beer. You enjoy trying and discovering new craft beers. It is a good outlet for you.

6. Blogging is often a struggle and doesn’t always help you, but maybe there is someone out there that gets something out of it. Maybe they read it and identify, or learn, or feel less alone – anything.

7. Every week you get to make a small impact on Pat’s child. You started hanging out with him over six years ago. Pat, a friend of a friend, wanted a male who had attended college in her son’s life. She hadn’t and didn’t want him to struggle like her. He is incredible. He will get some scholarships but you will pay the rest, even if you have to take out loans. He deserves it. You are lucky to know him.

8. You fight really really really hard. It must be for something. You’ve always struggled like this, you’re still here. You are because somewhere deep down you want to be. You might hate yourself, but you are strong, resilient. You fight your mind on a daily basis, you’re still here. I’m proud of you.

I think this helped some. I don’t know. I’m always sad. I still feel tired and sad. It is just in my head, I am fine. But I am not. But I am.

Nope. Still exactly where I was. I’m fighting. I’m got eight hours of sleep and feel tired. I might not thinking about death so much right now, but my general mood hasn’t changed. It never will. Oh well.

Update: And twenty minutes later I am back to obsessing about my desire to die. I’m tire of this shit.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Abilify 10mg (new), Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

Reasons to live

Held hostage

It has been a long day, Dan’s parents are in town, we spent the last thirteen hours out and about. We showed them where we live, went to a few tourist spots and had a couple good meals. 

I was worried about being locked in to a day of activities and socializing with no where for me to retreat to. It went great.

There were several times depressive and negative thoughts arose, but having an immediate distraction allowed me to force myself back into the present. 

I’m grateful for today. I got to largely live it in the moment. Eventually I will have to fix me, medications and counseling will never work entirely.

Today was a pleasant surprise. Social doesn’t always solve it, in fact, socializing can deepen a depressive episode. Being around people I enjoy and trust, it helps. I wish I could take them everywhere, I wish they’d always be there to help pull me out of my thoughts and into the present. Maybe with time and support, I’ll learn how on my own.

For now, I’m grateful to have today.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 50mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

Held hostage

I wish I were dead

This morning I was a bit tired, didn’t really want to be at work. Nothing major, just spacing out, random thoughts. Then my mind took me on an adventure….
—-my thoughts—

God, I wish I were dead.

What? God. No. You are fine. Don’t think like that. Don’t think –

I wish I were dead.

No. No, it is okay to think that way. They are just words. They have no meaning. I don’t. I am a bit tired that is all. Thanks mind.

I keep thinking, “I wish I were dead.” I’m not going to give it power. I acknowledge the dumb thought. Time to move on.

I wish I were dead.

No. You mean…

I have the thought, “I wish I were dead.” It isn’t true. I really.. 

Everything is pointless. Everything. You have no value. Worthless. Nothing.

I wish I were dead.

Stop. It is okay to have the thought, you need to give it space, acknowledge it an move on. Okay.

I think I wish I were dead.

You think? I know.

I wish I were dead.

Fuck. Why isn’t it working? Try something else. Chant, do a mantra, say it out loud until you believe it. Chase the thought-

I wish I were dead…

away.

“I love you. You try hard. You have worth.”

Again.

“I love you. You try hard. You have worth.”

Idiot. You are talking to yourself, you are so fucking broken you have to talk to yourself because you know it is true, you know it.

I wish I were dead.

Fuck. 

Sing. Sing a silly song.

Jingle bells, jingle bells– 

Jesus Christ. You have to single Jingle Bells to yourself because you can’t even control your own mind. Fuck. How are you not homeless? Fuck.

I wish I’d kill myself.

It’d be so easy. 

I want to fucking die.

Yes. What would I do?

Buy a gun.

Sit down on the living room couch, a clean white wall behind me.

Insert the gun into my mouth.

Push it to the back of my throat.

Point it up at my brain stem. 

Pull the trigger.

Painting the wall with my brain matter. 

One final statement on this worthless existence.

—————-

I called my therapist, just saw her yesterday. She got me in. I’m fine. Well, me fine. Today wasn’t even that bad of a day, until my head got involved.

To reassure, I am not suicidal, nor have I ever been. I do think about it daily. My partner, doctor, psychiatrist and therapist know this.

I wish I didn’t wish I was dead.

I wish I were dead

You are worthless

Today has been an alright day. And yet, I’m a fucking wreck. Fuck.

Honestly, I’ve been looking forward to today. There was a work happy hour I was invited to, I rarely get invited to social events, I just accompany Dan to his. And Thursday is also the day we meet a group of Dan’s friends to watch our favorite TV show at a bar, also something I look forward to. 

Yet, life is still pointless. I’m out being social, I’m fine I guess. But life is still pointless. And I am still worthless. And so are you.

There are more stars in the galaxy than can be counted. You are nothing. You do nothing. A hundred years after you die nobody will remember or care about your existence. You are just entertaining yourself until death.

You invent worth. You create meaning. You might even build yourself a god. People do that because we can’t face the facts.

You are worthless.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 100mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

You are worthless

Take more nuvigil, take more

menuThis morning I took my prescribed 200mg of Nuvigil. The last two days I took 275mg, I split the last 150mg I had left.

After about an hour, I caved. Why? I am weak. I guess. Guilt, I feel some, but I also feel justified. I split a 200mg pill into four and then took an extra 50mg of Nuvigil.

It helps, more helps more. Is there an end to that? Unlikely. I’ll probably always want more… which is of course, problematic.

For now I am justifying it because it seems like that we will increase my dose to the maximum of 250mg at my next visit. Nuvigil is also unlikely to build up tolerance. Well, at least within the first few years. There are studies of up to three years that did not find much of a tolerance build up.

The start of the dose is always the best. I feel good. Yes, good. Not just content. So, it is a mild high, I guess. But it just makes my entire day so much more bearable. And if tolerance is unlikely, maybe this mild “high” is something I will get daily once increased to 250mg.

There is a drop off about four hours in, then it seems like a stronger release at six hours and a final strong release eight or nine hours it. Nuvigil is much more smooth than Vyvanse, but not as perfect as I hoped. Ha. Of course, I am depressed, part of that is never being satisfied.

Once again, I am writing a blog at the peak of Nuvigil releasing, it is the easiest time to accomplish tasks. Sigh. I do wish I didn’t have the constant nagging to cheat, to take more.

Oh well, that is a problem for tomorrow. I’m off to enjoy my Labor Day, I hope.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 100mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

Take more nuvigil, take more

Nuvigil, ADHD and depression

ay00vjwOn Tuesday my psychiatrist and I decided to up my Nuvigil dose from 150mg to 200mg. Also, I am tapering off of Seroquel since my clinical psychological evaluation diagnosed me with treatment resistant depression, Dysthymia and ADHD – ruling out my bipolar diagnoses.

The main symptom of my depression is apathy. Desire, no. Interest, no. Motivation, no. We are hoping that tapering off Seroquel will give me more energy throughout the day. I’m now using Trazadone 50mg as a sleep aide.

I am more and more aware of how my ADHD contributes to my depression. Nuvigil definitely helps, it is also much much smoother of a release than Vyvanse. However, Nuvigil does start strong and dip during the day for me, and during that dip I become unengaged, bored. It is these periods where my mind wonders into the depressive thoughts. If I not being aided with a stimulant my mind always wanders to the negative.

Stimulants impact dopamine, maybe my depression is caused by low dopamine levels. It would make so much sense. Stimulant based medications work to combat my depression in a way that nothing else has come close.

Of course, I am writing this blog on a day I took more than my prescribed amount of Nuvigil. I cut my last 150mg pill in half and took half on top of my 200mg pill. More is always better. I’m so weak. My psychiatrist even commented that I will likely be asking for an increased dose of Nuvigil in two weeks. That I tend to seek the maximum dose. I concurred. But I seek the maximum because more helps more.

Although, maybe I am just trying to justify past abuse of stimulants and current prescription for Nuvigil. I don’t know. I never know.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 200mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 100mg, Trazadone 50mg, Strattera 80mg

 

Nuvigil, ADHD and depression