Begging my Doctor for Provigil

After receiving the results from my clinical evaluation, I sent my psychiatrist an email. The evaluation hit me hard. I ended up begging for Provigil. The text of my email is below.

Hello,

The clinical evaluation confirmed much of what we expected. Bipolar disorder isn’t present, instead Dysthymia, major depression and adhd are.

I’m, I don’t know. The antidepressants I think are helping some, I don’t know. The best part of my day is still the first few hours of Vyvanse, I get to feel alive.

Having read the eval, I am really defeated. Nothing is shocking in this report, it confirms our expectations. I just, I, I am so tired of being sad. Dan deserves more.

The paragraph below I found most depressing, particularly the bold part. It sounds right, and it feels right. My personality makes me unlikely to “experience pleasure in life.” And even if the pills work, none claim to change my personality, to help me experience pleasure. It is so damning.

The patient’s profile was developed using the D (depression), Pt (psychasthenia – fear, anxiety, tension, depression, intruding thoughts, and obsessive-compulsive symptoms); and, Pd (psychopathic deviant – rebellious, non-‐conforming; family problems; impulsive, angry, irritable, and dissatisfied) scales. Patients with this pattern tend to exhibit a pattern of chronic psychological maladjustment. The patient appears to be quite anxious and depressed at this time. He may be feeling some tension and somatic distress along with his psychological problems. He endorsed several items related to suicidal ideation and should be monitored for risk. He indicated a history of impulsive acting-out and substance abuse for which he expressed guilt and remorse. His personality is such that he may have only a small capacity to experience pleasure in life and tends to be pessimistic in outlook. It appears he is experiencing disturbed interpersonal relationships. Patients with this profile are prone to substance use and abuse disorders and all treatments involving medication should be carefully monitored.

I have been Googling about medications, I need, I don’t know, more help. Like, this can’t be it. I hope not.

Provigil is the only thing I find particularly hopeful. It would likely wake me up a bit, give me a bit of energy to get up off the couch. It has been used off label for depression and adhd. It has a lower rate of addiction, it being a category IV and Vyvanse being a category II. Tolerance is much less likely with Provigil, having had studies go as long as three years.

I just, I don’t know. I guess part of me is still hopeful. There must be something else out there, something that can help a bit more.

I am trying really hard, really. I just want to feel alive.

Current Medication: Vyvanse 40mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 80mg

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Begging my Doctor for Provigil

10 thoughts on “Begging my Doctor for Provigil

    1. Thanks for your prospective. To be honest, I kind of hate it. It took me a long time to seek out help for my struggles. My suicidal thoughts started in third grade. Due to this, I strongly believe that there is something chemically off with my brain. I fought my depression for years, on my own, wondering through the darkness. Had I not reached out for help, talk therapy and medication, I’m not sure I would have made it. Everything isn’t inside of me. I’m glad to live now, where we know depression is a disorder, medications can help. And they already have. Thanks for your point of view.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That is so brave of you that you decided to take your doctor’s help. It’s a victory in itself. I am sorry if my words made you feel bad but my dear doctor can’t do anything unless and until you let him help you. You are doing great and I love you for what you are ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Good for you for emailing your doctor. I can see why his report upset you, and personally I think some of his language was inappropriate for someone experiencing severe depression. Everyone deserves to feel hopeful. I have been in dark places and felt as though I’d never feel better…but now I do. Continue fighting and researching and communicating with your doctor. There IS hope. Sending you lots of good vibes. ~ Viv

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Until I got the courage to face my internal pain and depression did I start to feel happy inside with hope. Deep scary work with EMDR and EFT opened sealed doors of my mind that were confining me. I never thought I’d be strong enough to admit what I experienced because it brought back the emotions, pain, smells, touch and fear ten fold. But each morning before going to my appt I’d drop to my knees and pray to God for His strength. I had some alarming aftermath from it at times, experiencing some “body memories”. Rapid heart rate, migraines, fatigue, chest pain and aches everywhere. We monitor those physical experiences closely and work through them mindfully and chemically. Please find the strength to destroy those memories that are binding you, the medicines alone cannot free you. Praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh I’m NOT religious. Just found a high power I could find comfort in. I have a post titled “pray harder” that addresses my thoughts on it, praying alone doesn’t do the job required. I do have some passages I posted with it that made sense to me and gave me some purpose. I’m sorry if I sounded like one of those bible beating Christians because I’m far from it. I pray for you though, because I empathize with where your frustrations are. Sending you love.

        Like

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