I want to feel alive or be dead

pin boys 1918I don’t want to blog. I don’t want to do anything. Why me? I should be stronger, but I am tired of being strong.

Yesterday I got the results of a full psychological examination I completed. My psychiatrist wanted it due to the difficultly we’ve had successfully treating my depression.

First, allow me to be boastful, I don’t take pride in much, probably a result of me hating myself, however, my IQ is in the 120s. That I am proud of. The actual diagnoses weren’t exactly surprising.

Bipolar disorder, nope. As expected, my psychiatrist and I have been doubting my bipolar diagnoses the past couple months. My manic episodes were a result of my Adderall abuse, not bipolar disorder. My depression is severe, my psychiatrist and I were also aware of this. The clinical psychologist stated that my depression is severe, the test recommended immediate intervention to prevent a suicide attempt. Again, no surprise.

Thankfully, the psychologist and I had chatted before the tests, she was aware that I have never actually been suicidal, I doubt I ever will be. But I do relish the thought of taking my own life on almost a daily basis.

One of the tests involved staring at a black computer screen and clicking the mouse every time a letter other than “X” appeared, every few seconds. The exam was a dull fifteen minutes. The results, 99% chance that I have ADHD. I took this test at 11am, three hours after I had taken 40mg of Vyvanse, meaning Vyvanse was at its peak. I also take Strattera for ADHD. And yet, 99%.

The ADHD results are validating. Maybe that is why I slipped into abusing Adderall, nothing calms my racing thoughts like stimulants do – nothing.

Unfortunately, the results are fairly useless. It confirms our suspicions, maybe I’ll go off some of the bipolar medications. But know what?

Pristiq is helping. I am no longer as concerned about my depression. Like, I the worry and guilt I used to feel about laying around and doing nothing is largely gone. But I still don’t have much desire to live. My emotions are mostly flat and I feel tired much of the day.

Adderall was such a miracle. Suicidal thoughts, gone. Self-hate, replaced by confidence. It gave me a bounce in my step, even when not manic. I am confident that those first two years on Adderall will remain the best years of my life.

Now I am left to piece things together, to tolerate life, to keep going through the motions. Part of my desire to die is due to already feeling dead.

Even this post, do you know how I am accomplishing it? Vyvanse abuse. I opened up one of my 40mg pills and took a third, on top of the 40mg I already took. I’m not remotely high, I wish. But I do have the energy to get up, to shower for the first time in four days and to sit at a computer. I’m not happy. I wish it made me happy. I am a void, nothing, but at least I am functioning.

I just want to feel alive – or be dead.

Current Medication: Vyvanse 40mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 80mg

 

 

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I want to feel alive or be dead

24 thoughts on “I want to feel alive or be dead

  1. Pastor Aaron says:

    Incorrect diagnoses suck, especially when you keep saying, “I don’t think that’s right.” So, the fact you have a more complete diagnosis is something.

    Maybe not much, but something.

    I abused alcohol. The only medication that worked, until it didn’t. I quit drinking when I finally found a med balance: Lithium, Wellbutrin, and Paxil.

    I’m tired a lot. I miss my manias. But the depressions are no longer so crushing that I think about death all day. Like you, ideation but no action.

    I hope you find something that works. I’m glad you wrote and reached out. We’re here.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Maybe now with a better diagnosis your meds can be adjusted. I wonder if the Lamictal is giving you the dead feeling, countering the up you get from Vyvanse?

    Seems everyone always worries more about the mania than the depression, and the depression is more debilitating. I miss the motivation to do more than bare minimum. I’d gladly take steroids for induced mania. Desperation, maybe. Honesty, absolutely. {Hugs}

    Liked by 4 people

    1. You know I had the same problem with the Lamictal, It completely killed my energy. I felt like a total zombie with no zest for life. The odd thing is my sister and son take Lamcital and do fabulous on it. It just really did not do me any favors. I thought I was an odd duck regarding it. I didn’t know it was a thing for Lamictal. If so, it’s worth asking about.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. So many people have good experiences with it. And when those of us that have bad experiences, we think we failed the drug, not the other way around. And we go in with the mindset that it’s the fix-all for whatever we’ve got going on. When in reality, for a LARGE majority of us, it’s not. Don’t get too discouraged. Here’s to a new and different med combo.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. That is so true! For me it was Topamax and I know for so many people it’s a total disaster. It makes me sad to hear that too because it doesn’t just balance my mood but it also prevents my migraines. I really wish I had hit this med sooner, but that’s what makes this journey so rough. It’s such a hit and miss. You just have to keep trying them until you find what does work for you.

          Liked by 2 people

  3. I really feel for you and wish you the best as you figure this all out. I have been where you are (and it’s not often I say that) or at least I feel that I have based on your words in this post. I wasted too much damn time with a stupid bipolar diagnosis (that three drs said I had) only to flop miserably on meds for that. Then…on a whim I read a book my mom had about ADHD when I was in college & as soon as I returned to my university I marched into the center for learning disorders & demanded to be tested for ADHD. Of course everyone was like ‘she’s manic again’ but no I wasn’t. I was simply fed up with a system that had screwed me. These drs were all so accustomed to treating & dealing with bipolar that they assumed that’s what I had — and granted, I AM moody but i know now that it stems from a lifetime of not being able to pay attention & frustration at being told I’m not living up to my potential. I did get tested and that’s when my life began. Getting meds right will always be a process but I take it day by day. And more than anything I’ve gradually learned to stand up for myself with doctors, therapists and well-intentioned loved ones. I hope things get better for you.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. I dunno what to say… I have experimented this so many times, I am “ok” now in my point of view… The doc told me that i am not ok, because I speak and laugh too much, so she must makes me be a vegetable so she gave me pills again…. It seems that every time I am fine they must turn me off… I have that morron thing called thinking so I think I am a dangerous peron so they will turn me off all the time…. This sucks … I dunno what to say… I really understand how you feel… But this is nothing as I cannot help you…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I understand completely how you feel. I unfortunately have voices in my head that tell me to kill myself on quite a consistent basis. I’ve abused amphetamines myself, and they do make you feel “better” but in the end it isn’t worth it. I’m not saying you should stop anything that’s helping you, but that’s my 2c. I’m sure you’ll get through this. I just got back from a hospital stay for suicidal, well… actions. I’m sure you’ll get through this and can work with your docs to make sure you can lead a “better” life.
    You can do this. I know you can.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. You made me cry. Been there. I don’t wish to ever return. Hope never ever will. I am an extremly care case to find a family doctor and naturopathing solution and monitoring. Do not suggest it to the masses. I wish you the best in finding a coctail that will offer you a balance and better function.
    Hugs

    Liked by 3 people

  7. A proper diagnosis can be liberating in a way. It helps guide you in the right direction. Hang tough my friend, change is always waiting around the corner. Its one of life’s guarantees. In good time and with adjusted meds you will feel like the person you’re meant to be ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I hope your brain decides what it’s doing soon. It sounds like you really need a day of peace.
    Keep searching for answers. Who knows? Maybe you’ll think of a solution tonight. Maybe it will come to you like the feeling of hunger or being tired.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. I have days of nothing but sitting in my recliner wishing for energy. Along with my depression I have fibromyagia which brings it’s own depression and fatigue. I think the hardest thing about trying to find the right med balance is the waiting to see if it works. Sometimes we feel we don’t have that precious time to spare for the waiting game. Writing has been my savior… it connects me and helps me feel less alone. I am glad you found the energy to write… stay connected. You are not alone. (((HUGS)))

    Liked by 2 people

  10. “I am a void, nothing, but at least I am functioning.
    I just want to feel alive – or be dead.”
    These sentences really hit home. I’ve been there and felt that. Personally, what’s worse than feeling sad, is feeling nothing. Feeling absolutely empty and numb. I don’t think I am qualified enough to give you advice on what you should and shouldn’t do; but all I can say is, you’re not alone. And I hope knowing that helps you feel just a little bit better. ❤
    Love,
    A member of the LP team

    Liked by 1 person

  11. there are natural things that you could try. The only thing other than adderall that helped my son was marijuana. However there is a doctor you can look up who has healed all of what you are going through, Dr. Sebi. Although the gov’t has killed this holistic doctor about a week ago (i’m sorry he died of pneumonia) you still can buy his product. Good luck, your writing is genius. I would love to read a book by you.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Thanks for the follow.at faighsighanddiy.com. Can I gently suggest that maybe you could read some of the literature that’s currently out there about depression and anti-depressants? The newest research is very interesting. One such book Is title “A Mind of Your Own”, by Keely Brogan, M. D.. You can find more resources on my blog in the menu section where I’ve included a list of books I highly recommend. It sounds like you are expecting pills to do the work for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I know you have many comments on this post. You may read them all, probably not replying to any. Feeling sad, and hollow wondering how long it takes for you’re soul to die. I will tell you it never does. If you want to feel alive, first you must live. You are the only person that can make you feel whole. Fill yourself with the wonders of the world. Don’t end up like me. You still have a chance.

    Like

  14. Many, many, and dare I say many, individuals have a duel diagnosis of ADHD & Bipolar Disorder I have the statistics somewhere and they were pretty high. Doctors were quick to blame Alcohol for everything that was going on with me. I was a fairly young woman when I went through some testing. My liver, cognitive skills, bone problems, were all blamed on Alcohol. I really had Celiac Disease and was poisoning myself and my immune system every time I drank. I was also Bipolar.

    Like

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