I don’t want to blog. I don’t want to do anything. Why me? I should be stronger, but I am tired of being strong.
Yesterday I got the results of a full psychological examination I completed. My psychiatrist wanted it due to the difficultly we’ve had successfully treating my depression.
First, allow me to be boastful, I don’t take pride in much, probably a result of me hating myself, however, my IQ is in the 120s. That I am proud of. The actual diagnoses weren’t exactly surprising.
Bipolar disorder, nope. As expected, my psychiatrist and I have been doubting my bipolar diagnoses the past couple months. My manic episodes were a result of my Adderall abuse, not bipolar disorder. My depression is severe, my psychiatrist and I were also aware of this. The clinical psychologist stated that my depression is severe, the test recommended immediate intervention to prevent a suicide attempt. Again, no surprise.
Thankfully, the psychologist and I had chatted before the tests, she was aware that I have never actually been suicidal, I doubt I ever will be. But I do relish the thought of taking my own life on almost a daily basis.
One of the tests involved staring at a black computer screen and clicking the mouse every time a letter other than “X” appeared, every few seconds. The exam was a dull fifteen minutes. The results, 99% chance that I have ADHD. I took this test at 11am, three hours after I had taken 40mg of Vyvanse, meaning Vyvanse was at its peak. I also take Strattera for ADHD. And yet, 99%.
The ADHD results are validating. Maybe that is why I slipped into abusing Adderall, nothing calms my racing thoughts like stimulants do – nothing.
Unfortunately, the results are fairly useless. It confirms our suspicions, maybe I’ll go off some of the bipolar medications. But know what?
Pristiq is helping. I am no longer as concerned about my depression. Like, I the worry and guilt I used to feel about laying around and doing nothing is largely gone. But I still don’t have much desire to live. My emotions are mostly flat and I feel tired much of the day.
Adderall was such a miracle. Suicidal thoughts, gone. Self-hate, replaced by confidence. It gave me a bounce in my step, even when not manic. I am confident that those first two years on Adderall will remain the best years of my life.
Now I am left to piece things together, to tolerate life, to keep going through the motions. Part of my desire to die is due to already feeling dead.
Even this post, do you know how I am accomplishing it? Vyvanse abuse. I opened up one of my 40mg pills and took a third, on top of the 40mg I already took. I’m not remotely high, I wish. But I do have the energy to get up, to shower for the first time in four days and to sit at a computer. I’m not happy. I wish it made me happy. I am a void, nothing, but at least I am functioning.
I just want to feel alive – or be dead.
Current Medication: Vyvanse 40mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 80mg