Five months ago I stopped abusing Adderall. At the end I was up to 150mg a day. Originally given it for ADHD, I had started using it to treat my depression. I went off of it cold turkey, with my psychiatrist’s help. I’ve been on a litany of medications since.
Having been completely off stimulants for three and a half months, we added Vyvanse six weeks ago.
I’m scared. Slowly my state improved, I went from a constant state of panic, to anxious, to numb — numb is where I am still at… I believe.Apathy is now my go to state. I don’t care about anything. I get a few hours, four to six, each morning, at the start of Vyvanse, to function. Vyvanse gets me up, it doesn’t give me emotion, but it does give me an ability to do things. As it winds down, apathy sets in again.
I am scared, I’ve pushed my doctor to let me take two doses, I am taking 30mg now. I have no desire to go up to 40mg, I rather take 20mg in the morning and 20mg in the afternoon. She has resisted, saying it isn’t a real solution, I am once again relying on stimulants to combat my depression. She wants a more permanent solution.
Although, I am not sure it wouldn’t be permanent. I guess inevitably we would have to increase the dose. But if we could find a medication that let me desire, that let me feel alive, I don’t think I would care so much about stimulants. Sigh, I don’t know.
So, instead, we are trying another antidepressant, third one in four weeks. She suggested Effexor or Pristiq. I’ve been on Effexor, it didn’t seem too effective, but it is hard to tell since I was abusing Adderall. It definitely helped at first. So I went with Pristiq, it is actually cheaper with my insurance and we schedule an appointment two weeks out.
It kills me. She could provided me more Vyvanse and make tomorrow better, right away. Yes, it would probably fade after a few weeks, but we could use that time to find something better. I understand her fear, I have a clear history of abusing stimulants. But god, I’d love to have a good week or two.
I’m scared that maybe I am not experiencing apathy. Maybe I just lack the motivation to do anything because I abused Adderall for a year. I just find any task to be a fight once Vyvanse wears off. But I am scared I just know longer how to make myself do things. Maybe the medications are making me normal, I am just too weak to function on my own.
Thoughts? Suggestions? God. I’m so sick of this shit.
Current Medication: Vyvanse 30mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 300mg, Strattera 80mg