My psychiatrist prescribed me Nuvigil last Wednesday, 150mg. I took it Thursday, in the morning, it was alright. Certainly not as energizing as Vyvanse, but Vyvanse is real strong at first, so I wouldn’t mind a step down.
However, by mid-day I was struggling. Low energy, no focus and back to my depressive state. Of course, I opened up one of my 40 mg Vyvanse capsules and took a third of it with Nuvigil the next morning. That was nice, almost perfect. The Vyvanse still comes in waves through out the day, every few hours I get a bump of energy that protects me from the depressive lows. The last one just hit, it does around 4pm, it is how I got off the couch to write this blog. Sigh.
Here I am again, abusing my prescription. But it is so difficult to choose to be unhappy, to choose to feel depressed. At times, I am just not strong enough. I fully understand that I do not want to get a high, I don’t want to go down the path of my past abusive behavior. However, I do want to have days where I feel present — where I feel alive.
In two days I see my psychiatrist, she gave me a seven day prescription. I am hoping she will up it to 250mg, we shall see. I will be honest with here. She’ll be disappointed, maybe angry. I’ll call Dan with her and tell him he needs to dispose of my Vyvanse. I don’t want to go back, these last few days, I’ve felt alive, I just wish I could do this forever. I know I can’t.
To prevent myself from taking Vyvanse with Nuvigil I just gave Dan the pill bottle and told him to hide it. Tomorrow shall be interesting.
Maybe we will increase my Nuvigil prescription at my appointment on Tuesday. An increase in Nuvigil will help some, although, having experienced 150mg, I doubt even an increase to 250mg will be enough.
It won’t be, nothing is enough.
Current Medication: Nuvigil 150mg, Lamictal 200mg, Pristiq 100mg, Seroquel XR 200mg, Strattera 80mg