Low expectations

That is the key. I’m kinda giving up on drugs, and well, on drugs fixing anything.

At most they will be a nudge in the right direction. When Adderall was good it fixed everything. I felt great, had energy and enjoyed anything I set my mind to. I abused Adderall because of that. That was a high, and I was chasing it. Highs are never sustainable.

I’m still taking 20mg of Vyvanse, it definitely helps, but even that – my body has adjusted. It helps me get off my ass but doesn’t do anything for me, I have to do it in the end. Next week I’ll probably go up to 30mg, that will help more, but I think I get it now. 

Vyvanse tappers off in the evening, I hate it. But I’m done drinking for a little while. I use a few beers to make the descent easier in the evening. I need to survive on own, in my own skin, beer isn’t sustainable either. I can’t start always using that to hide my emotions. 

Thankfully the meds have balanced me out, no constant anxiety, panic, etc. I feel like my mood is lack there of, no mood. This is bearable. So I need to bear it until I am used to it. Until I start moving and doing on my own.

And now, back to sorting through laundry.

Current Medication: Vyvanse 20mg, Lamictal 200mg, Prozac 30mg, Seroquel XR 300mg, Strattera 80mg 

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Low expectations

13 thoughts on “Low expectations

  1. The never ending chase of fighting that battle of metabolism causing the drugs to wear off in the evenings. It sucks. That on top of finding the balance of too zonked out to function vs. not zonked enough to function. I hope you find your balance soon … it can be exhausting.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. myambivalentexistence says:

    “And now, back to sorting through laundry”. I think that statement sums up the monotony of figuring out meds. Finding some sort of balance while you just go through the motions and try to stay functional. *hugs* hope you get your balance back soon

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Getting the right balance of meds can seem like a never ending story. But if you’re doing laundry, the most boring job in the world, then I’d say, don’t lose hope. Although not perfect, you may just be on the right track

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I will come back and relate more in a bit but I’m on a mission…you are still listed as a follower of my blog. Hove you been receiving notification of my posts recently?

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  5. Sorting laundry is good. I have written much in the past on the power of meditative, repetitive productivity. Coupled with regular breathing and attempting to let go of cycling thoughts can do wonders to release anxiety and panic.

    Just a thought…monks have regular simple tasks that they do every day. Tote water; chop wood. In my posting of the writing of Brother Lawrence, he talks about our activities and attitudes:

    “We must weigh all our actions without the impetuosity or impulsiveness that mark a distraught spirit. As we carry out our duties, we must work gently, tranquilly and lovingly with God, asking Him to accept our labor. Through our continual attention to God, we will crush the head of the devil and make his weapons fall from his hands.”

    https://theviewfrom5022.com/2016/06/21/practices-necessary-to-acquire-the-spiritual-life/

    I only pass these thoughts and ideas along because I know first hand where you are. My posts on A Bipolar Life have not been forgotten. You are in my heart, dear.

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  6. Hi, I was going through some of my old posts ( just weeks old) and I clicked on your image which brought me to your blog. I’ve read a few of your posts, and some of the comments. Wow, you are really have not had so good of a time. I’ve had depression since I was five years old and have been on meds for ten years. I am not going to say I know exactly what you’re going through as I am not bipolar, but my whole heart is with you. I hope it’s okay if I pray for you? I read the post where you mention your religious/conservative background, and I would like to pray that you would experience some peace and hope in your current situation. I don’t know where you stand with God, praying, and I promise I will not preach. You sounded really conflicted. I still struggle with anxiety myself, so I do understand the pain it causes. I hope that you’ll continue the road you are on because there are people out there who will need to hear your story. Tamara

    Liked by 1 person

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