Awkward Anxious Fucking Fag

I’m at my neighborhood bar. Alone. I’m at a bar — alone.

Pathetic.

I feel bad for people at restaurant or theaters alone. But here I am. Just me. 

Vyvanse works… for sixish hours. It works really well. Then. Cliff.

As it wears off my mind races. The medication is released slowly, an extended release, but I feel every time the medication is pumping into my system. 

It isn’t mania, not at all. It is just capable. My mood is still somewhat blah, but I get up, I can do things. Everything isn’t a fight anymore.

And then it tappers off. Constantly I think, maybe a bit more will be released, maybe it isn’t over. Doing things becomes harder, doing anything becomes a fight, like usual.

Hello couch, well, that is what I would usually do. Today I got out of the house. I grabbed my Nintendo 3Ds (aka fancy new gameboy) and walked to the bar.

Of course, I’m too embarrassed to take out the gameboy. Oh well.

I’m working on beer two, the people next to me all started chatting, they didn’t know each other before, we are all just sitting next to each other at a bar, conversation happens.

Not me. I am the awkward anxious fucking fag in the corner typing out a fucking blog on my phone because I am an incapable fucking piece of shit. Fuck.

Oh well. I’ll be fine. I’m always fine. Fuck.

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Awkward Anxious Fucking Fag

17 thoughts on “Awkward Anxious Fucking Fag

  1. That’s a good point. You DID make it to the bar. Baby steps. It’s not like you have to rush right in and be the life of the party on the first go around – or even the first dozen. Allow yourself to just be around people and get comfortable with that in the beginning.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I would tell your doctor that it IS working, just not as long as you would hope. Depending on how understanding your doctor is, you might get a higher dose that might last until you’re ready to sleep at least. This is just my opinion. I am just a complete stranger that doesn’t know your situation personally. Hope you’re feeling better soon. Keep trying!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hate peopling, but it’s a necessary evil with being a “productive member of society.” And yes, those baby steps are disheartening, I get that because that’s how I’ve been living lately. The thing is, they work. Leaping’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I’m just short of 60, never thought I’d make this far. Took a shitload of baby steps along the way, still am. Once in a while I could leap. It gets better, especially if you find the right med cocktail. Keep going.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Take heart. You feel awkward because you may not have gone to a pub and sat by yourself before/very often. Don’t look around, drink, play your game. Its such a triumph that you got out the house. Its a wonderful achievement. And if you do it often enough the awkwardness will disappear. Says I, who is a hermit and too afraid to go places by myself…. So I think you’re, like, totally awesome!! Seriously

    Liked by 1 person

  5. me says:

    Well hello “awkward anxious fucking fag” … please to meet you … I am ME, “just as awkward just as anxious not a fucking fag but a fucking ptsd freak”. You are officially my idol today! You are where I’d like to be and one day will be! And when I am, I suggest we sit in the corner together and message each other … that way we don’t have to talk 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Having been alone most of my life, I do find it preferable to being with the wrong people. That being said, it can be quite tiresome when you have been alone for long stretches and are seeking a true and genuine connection with somebody.
    For what it is worth, had “ManicAmy” been at the bar that night -I’d have struck up a conversation with you; I love the awkward, the shy and the lost. I love the lonely and the broken.
    But it isn’t worth much, and no advice can really help you, but you keep posting and we will keep on listening.

    Liked by 1 person

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