What is left of me?

A few hours ago I chewed a Strattera 80mg, it hasn’t helped. You’re not suppose to chew Strattera, it is a once daily pill that can help with ADHD after six weeks. Desperation. Chew.

Boredom — I am perpetually bored. Granted, boredom is better than apathy, so we are moving in the right direction. Boredom still sucks. I can make myself do chores and things, I just don’t find anything interesting. It is different than apathy, apathy I did nothing, I would lay on the couch all day.

Now I am going through some of the motions of life, I have gone to the gym a few times this week and done some minor house work.

I lack vigor, interest, passion, desire — I miss those. I know a medication like Vyvanse would help. It’d take me out of this slump and aid with focusing. But having abused Adderall, I shouldn’t be given access to Vyvanse, I opened up those capsules before, I’d be tempted to use them other than prescribed.

But maybe not, having my mood stablizied, I wouldn’t need to rely on Vyvanse as an antidepressant like I did when abusing stimulants.

I want to feel like a full human again. I thought the universe rewards you for making good decisions. I gave up Adderall over three months ago now, and here I still wondering how to pick up the pieces.

Current Medication: Lamictal 200mg, Prozac 30mg (2 weeks), Seroquel XR 600mg, Gabapentin 2400mg so far (prescribed dose is 1800mg, sigh, desperation), Strattera 80mg, Caffeine Pill 1000mgish



What is left of me?

7 thoughts on “What is left of me?

  1. You are probably missing the high that is Mania more than the actual Adderall. I’m not trying to tell you how you feel, I’m just speaking from experience. It’s mania that makes everything seems fun and exciting, that’s why they call the symptom “grandiose thinking” because every thought and action seems monumental at the time. When you’re just normal (euthymic is the clinical term, sounds a lot like euthanasia) you miss that grandiose type, that sense that everything you think and do is EPIC. Doctors tell you it takes getting used to, that normal feeling, and that’s true, but its more than a “getting used to”. It’s almost a grieving process for your manic self. I still miss my old life, I was a LOT of fun. It took awhile for me to accept that this slowed down, less volatile version of myself was the REAL one, but I did, and I function reasonably well most of the time. Let yourself grieve for your more manic side: be angry, be sad, be bored and apathetic. Feel what you need to feel and when you’re ready you’ll know what the next step is.
    Be careful with your meds, please. I know you want to feel better, but changing doses and starting and stopping just makes your brain work harder, and you only get the one brain, so you’re going to want to take good care of it. It’s a process, figuring out how to manage this disease, and some days it’s grueling, but you CAN do it. We bipolars, we’re like Phoenixes, we rise from our ashes again and again, stronger after each rebirth. Stay strong and have patience, you too will rise.

    P.S. How on EARTH did you chew a Strattera. They taste vile! I couldn’t even take one that was cut in half because it was soooo bad. You are definitely determined.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, definitely mentioning the manic high. I find it interesting that you say to grieve, I never thought of this like that. But it is such a loss, grieving makes sense.
      Strattera is up there with the worst medication I’ve tasted, that is for sure. However, desperation is a powerful force. I’m not fully functioning yet, so I end up chasing mania, I guess. Medication changes can give me a bit of a manic mood, so I hoped chewing on would trigger an episode. It didn’t. I spent the rest of the day on the couch.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, at least you know your taste buds work 😉. It took me a long time to realize that losing my “big personality” was a loss I needed to mourn. That’s not something a psychiatrist will tell you. I think the people who try to help us have a hard time believing how much we miss mania when it’s gone, because we aren’t supposed to miss something that wreaks so much havoc. But we DO miss it, and it’s easier to move forward to whatever is next after you’ve said good-bye to what you had with mania. So take your time and grieve the loss, just take care of yourself while you do.


  2. Hmmm, I also lived by the premise that the universe rewards etc etc. But its fickle that way. Sometimes it does and mostly it doesn’t. But be comforted that you are moving in the right direction, however slow and mundane it is. Gosh, aren’t I just a ray of sunshine… :-/

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ll just second the “don’t know how to pick up the pieces”, because I’m right there with you. I relate to so much of what you write, though we have different illnesses, we are in similar places, I think. Much much love to you XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

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