I hate being gay

Do I? It sounds so dramatic. I’m just being one of those dramatic homos. 

I don’t. I’m comfortable being gay, have been for a few years. I used to hate being gay,I think that is a part of my anxiety.

Anxiety, anxiety is another issue.

For so long I used Adderall to mask and hide my anxiety. Now? Now, I reach for a caffeine pill or a beer. 

I’m so disappointed in myself. I’m sitting here drinking my second beer of the night, I took Seroquel XR with a swig of beer, ignoring the yellow “Do not consume with alcohol” label. 

The last few days I have toyed with my Seroquel XR dose, it makes me so tired, I thought less would help. Now I am not sure. I seem more anxious.

God. I need to just start being strong enough. Instead of thinking medication will get better, I’ll just reach for a beer until we get the meds right. What if the medication is already right? 

I’m setting myself up for new addictions. New ways to sooth the real problem — I fucking hate myself.

I hate myself. I hate that I have some bullshit mid-level job doing nothing. I hate that I am gay. I mean, I don’t. Like, I am fine with being gay and all that. But being gay changed everything.

I grew up very conservative and religious. I didn’t give up on God curing me and come out until twenty-three. At thirteen I knew I was damned.

I knew what I was. Fagot. Evil. Pervert. Pedophile. Yes.

My religion taught that homosexuals can be cured with enough faith. I tried. I really tried. Never did I have enough faith. At thirteen I started praying morning and night and many times in between. I begged God to fix me or kill me. I didn’t want my apostasy to hurt my family’s chance of glory in the afterlife. I read the scriptures and offered my life to Christ. Every flight I took I prayed for God to bring the plane down so I wouldn’t have to live broken. Yet I remained ruined, broken, gay.

Yes, I accept that I am gay. Also, I know that there is nothing morally wrong with being a homosexual. At times, I do resent what this has taken from me, socially, I blocked myself from my family and my peers, I didn’t want to corrupt them until I was clean, social isolation. 

Complete social isolation. I didn’t come out to my parents until my junior year of college, until I knew I’d be alright if they cut off contact with me.

My guilt about my sexuality is gone, but it wasn’t replaced by confidence or pride or social apptitude.  

The carnage remains. I am smarter than what I do. It eats at me. My intellect might not be reflected in my writing, I’m dyslexic, always have liked numbers more than letters. Regardless, if I wasn’t gay, if I had more confidence, if conflict didn’t cripple me, maybe I could be in a profession where I feel challenged, where I feel like I am contributing.

Every meeting I am the smartest person in the room. Yeah, I sound like a dick bag, but I’m right. Every meeting at work, everyone, I clearly have a superior intellect. And yet, it doesn’t matter, because no one expects someone as capable as me to have this job. Also, less capable people assume everyone works at their capacity, they don’t demand more than what they themselves would accomplish.

Again, I’m nothing. I’m sitting there, ready to contribute and realize nobody wants or expects what I have to contribute. I finally have the guts to be me, to offer up what I have, but it is too late.

I spent the last decades hoping I’d have the balls to kill myself if God didn’t fix me, cure my homosexuality. I finally am comfortable with myself that I can inch out of my shell and contribute. And yet, here I am, stuck with the life I built as a broken young man wishing I had the courage to opt out, to guarantee the world had one less fag.

*God. This is a convoluted mess. I should edit this. Instead I’ll hit post and help myself to another beer. Fuck. I hate me. Fuck.

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I hate being gay

45 thoughts on “I hate being gay

  1. thrillajilla says:

    I understand the whole feeling I contribute nothing thing. I also take Seroquil and it has helped me. Maybe try a little longer to see if it helps. Sometimes it takes awhile. If you ever need someone to just listen I’ll be here.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. thrillajilla says:

        Honestly I wanna say feeling like shit is normal for us.. But it’s how we deal with our feelings. Just take life one day at a time. Don’t think about every little thing. There’s so much to life and all it has to offer. I was in a deep dark whole for 22 years. I literally died. I have another chance on life. Don’t go down my path. Stay strong. ❤️

        Liked by 4 people

        1. thrillajilla says:

          I really mean it though. Anytime you want to talk I’m here. It’s hard for people who don’t understand or have mental health to know what we go through.

          Liked by 2 people

  2. Can I ask why you gave up the Adderall if it was working for you? Was something wrong physically? I just ask because in my LONG history with this disease I have been on a lot of medication regimens and I took Seroquel for years, without it doing much for my mood (although it helped me sleep well and made me fat). I added an ADHD med in graduate school, first Strattera and then Adderall and now Vyvanse. I’ve found them to be really helpful. I still take a mood stabilizer (Topamax) and a varying dose of an antidepressant (Cymbalta) and a small doses of Klonopin for anxiety. That sounds like a ton of meds, but it’s not really. It’s a complicated disease, one drug isn’t going to fix all of it. It takes TIME to get the combination of meds right, so don’t give up. And I know it seems like the alcohol helps, but be careful, ok? It messes with your sleep cycle and when that gets messed up then your mood will get messed up too. Stay strong and have patience. You’ll get things sorted out, I promise.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, yeah, I need to be more careful with booze. I absurd Adderall. I was diagnosed ADHD first, Adderall triggered mania for me, although I didn’t know that is what it was called. Anyways, I ended up abusing Adderall. I stopped all stimulant meds 3 months ago.

      Like

      1. Oh, that makes sense. Mania triggers risky behaviors like abusing Adderall. That’s a lot to come down from, the mania and the stimulants, it’s no wonder you’re not feeling like yourself.
        LOTS of people, especially kids and young adults, get diagnosed with ADHD instead of or prior to being diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Bipolar symptoms aren’t the same in younger people, and doctors forget that bipolar disorder effects our cognitive abilities too. You’re not alone in the “stimulants triggered my mania” department, that’s for sure. That doesn’t mean that you’ll never be able to use them to help you focus, you just need to get your mood stabilized first.
        Keep up your hard work!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I can tell by your writing style in this post how conflicted you must be feeling. One thing about this disorder that I find so challenging is always being at odds with myself. Some days I feel like I’m the greatest person alive and people should be happy to know me. Other days I feel like I don’t deserve anything or anyone. And being gay complicates things. I don’t hate being gay but sometimes I think life would be easier if I wasn’t. But I’d never want to change it all the same.

    I will say that toying with your Seroquel could very well be part of your anxiety and feeling down. I toyed with mine and then came off it altogether thinking I’d be better not taking it because it made me so sluggish and I ended up in a mess. My doctor told me it’s something you have to slowly come off to not suffer some serious mood swings and other side effects. So maybe try to stick with it 🙂

    Therapy has taught me that meds are only 1/3 of the total treatment. Exercise, especially yoga, is a great help. And lifestyle changes in how we eat (less sugar, less caffeine, no liquor) with more protein can help elevate mood naturally. Easier said than done I know. I struggle with the balance every day. But try to take it one day at a time and practice mindfulness. Tell yourself what you’re feeling today won’t always be the way you feel. Experience and history have proven that for every bipolar person. It really is about one day at a time. It’s survival for us.

    And I totally get the contribution thing. That’s been huge for me lately. I want to be more and offer more. I know my worth is better than menial jobs. My creativity and my mind can be powerful contributors to the people around me if I put my mind to it.

    It really is a tough balance. But I think you can get there. You’re articulate and insightful. You can tell what you’re feeling isn’t what you want to feel. That’s huge. Celebrate the little wins.

    Sorry for the lengthy (and hopefully not preachy sounding lol) post. I just identify so much with what you’re going through and I want you to know that you’re not alone and that what you are feeling is normal for us. We just need to find a way to cope. And I think for you, like me, talking about it is a powerful way of dealing. So don’t isolate yourself. Keep active and keep writing. Connecting with others going through what you’re going through can make all the difference. I know it helps me even sometimes in just the smallest ways.

    Hang in there! You got this!!

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Isolation is scary. I isloate during severe lows, bad. Part of the reason I started blogging, I have an outlet even in isolation. I so hear you on things would be easier if we were straight, but certainly don’t want anything to change about ourselves.
      Exercise for sure, mostly because homos gotta look good, haha. I run twice a week and gym three times a week, when I am functioning. Although I still gained weight from stupid Seroquel. Yoga, ehh, yoga is for bottoms. Hash.
      You don’t sound preachy. The best part of coming out was meeting all of these power and confident homos, community and identity are incredible things. Knowing I’m not although suffering from this disorder, I find that similarly powerful. Thanks.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So glad I didn’t sound preachy. I always want to help others so I tend to offer advice or experience freely lol And I agree that it’s nice to have this forum and outlet to share and feel apart of a community. It’s good to know that other people can be there to help you up when you’re down and vice versa!

        I was in great shape start of the year. Now I’ve put on a bit. Damn Seroquel lol

        And I love yoga and I’m not a bottom 😛 it’s good to be flexible as a top too hahaha stamina! Lol

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. I can relate in some aspects. Our disorder doesn’t sit well with most Christians but God ‘so opinion is the one that matters. If he hasn’t taken you home yet is because he still has a plan for you here. That is what keeps me going

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I get you on the job front. I’m in a dead end job. The job nobody else wants to do. So it was hefted onto the bipolar chickie. And while my peers rise through the ranks of promotions, I sit tethered to my desk knowing this is it for me because its all I can cope with. Feel like a complete failure. And what a great burden you carried in your youth. The fear of being discarded by family. I’m so sorry you went through that. Here’s my take on religion – just before my mentally ill mother, a god focused Christian dedicated to her church, committed suicide, the CHURCH told her she was ill because she didn’t have enough faith. Well, well, what a caring community right?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. God, I hear you on the coping, I worry about stress levels, I am always scared of triggering an emotional crash, live in fear.
      Thanks. It is so odd, my family was okayish about it, but damage was done. I didn’t come out to them until I prepared myself to cut them off entirely, didn’t need to, but yeah, relationship suffered regardless.
      Holy shit. That is evil. That church is ill. I’m all for religion of it builds people up, but the communities also have a spectacular power to tear people down.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. ❤ I dont want to show you sympathy… just empathy. I don't know why [it could be the wine] but ever since I found your blog, Ive just been able to relate to everything you've wrote about. This may sound extremely forward, but I wouldn't mind finding you on other social media where we can talk back and forth.. my email is carlymargaretATaolDOTcom. Just an invite.. totally up to you. 🙂 No hard feelings if the feeling isn't mutual!

    Like

  7. ceponatia says:

    I’m in similar circumstances as you as far as work goes and feeling like nobody expects you to be more than a mindless drone. We’re both intelligent and creative and SHOULD have better jobs but we made mistakes in our past and have to build our way back up. Don’t give up, focus on what you want to be doing and work towards it even 0.00001% each day. I’m studying web development and programming; It’s not coming quickly or easily but I feel better knowing I’m on SOME path aside from making sandwiches for obese midwesterners for the rest of my life.

    I don’t know what it’s like to be gay or an outcast. I’m not religious either. I think we have similar struggles, though. I’ll keep checking back. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. hornl07 says:

    This isn’t a convoluted mess. It’s real and beautiful. Also, it makes sense from a readers standpoint. Sometimes what feels like rambling nonsense is actually what people want and need to read.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. This hell you write about is how I felt for weeks when I thought and pretended like I was getting better. I’m not gay. My mom is though, so I’m half gay. And my childhood friend Robert is so wonderfully gay, I LOVE him. And one of my bestie girlies loves girls.I wish there were more gays on this planet, you guys make life so real. And being gay is fucking brave. I’m sure there are lots of people that wish they could just go for it and be gay. Regarding the beer, I had to give up effing beer seven months ago. I’m an addictive queen. Coping without numbing agents sucks and makes me deal with anxiety, shame, and fear, but it’s helping my mind. Although I miss pot tremendously. I’m a former faithful stoner. I’ll probably let myself smoke again when I’m eighty. Stoner granny. You shouldn’t hate yourself because you are pretty damn awesome and brave. And the world needs your voice. Keep writing. Your honesty will save people and you. Hugs. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Breaking Free says:

    I only want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry that your religion made you feel that way. I am a Christian, meaning I follow the teachings and try to model the life of Christ as described in the Bible. As a Christian I have learned to love all people no matter what they do, where they come from or what others have to say about them. I admit, the Bible speaks out against homosexuality but inly as far as the act not the person. We are called to love you also simply because you exist, God doesn’t make mistakes there is a plan for your life you don’t need fixing. Maybe just a little help.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I echo what Breaking Free stated above. God does hae plan for you, Too Polar. Everyday H wakes up, is a new opportunity to let our voice be heard in life. Always know that you are precious in His sight. I will keep you in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I’m not gay, I’m a 67 year old fart of a woman who was raised in a home with alcoholic parents and fought depression all of my life. I so feel your pain as you write. I’m glad you just hit “send” instead of editing….you said what you feel and that is important.

    I relate but I have no solutions, I still struggle and don’t have the answers. I can only say I understand and I send love and hugs. You matter and you’re here for a reason. Maybe we are here to share and remind others we’re not in this alone. Love and Hugs. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It does help. I told my sister this morning that as I have pulled away from so much face to face interaction with people in life, social media has been such an amazing aide in some ways. I don’t watch the news and I don’t read the papers because my empathy soaks everything up like a sponge, which doesn’t help the depression with the horrible news we see daily. But, we have to look out for each other. Sometimes that may be all you have! You hang in there, Sweetie!

        Liked by 1 person

  13. I was in EXACTLY the same place. Same background, same intoxication, same complete emptiness and same feeling of worthlessness.

    I tried to kill myself.

    Failed at that too.

    But then, I knew I had to change, I had to find what I was meant to do and I had to live life differently.

    I left the toxic environment, left everything and started afresh. I became the man that I needed to be to be happy (I’m gay too but that means nothing more than who you fall in love with).

    I am writing a book about how I turned a suicidal mindset into a beautiful life of joy and gratitude.

    I know it probably sounds like bullshit, because if I was back where I was I would have thought so too, but I promise you… It gets better.

    I want to help you. I’m not sure how but I want to help you.

    If you want someone to talk to, on email or something, you have a friend in me.

    I won’t let one more gay person die at the hands of a society that refuses to love. I will be the missing love.

    I don’t really know you, but I know where you are.

    Hang in there. You are not alone.

    Eli.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah. The problem is that you can’t be the missing love. You can’t fix childhood, my relationship with my parents or the friends that fled. And, granted I’m not exactly an optimist, but having a stranger doesn’t help or fix any of that. It seems insincere, it is insincere. Universal love of everyone, ehhh. Super. The world is still pointless. So is life. And my parents still suck. It minimizes the pain so many queer people go through to pretend like any declaration of love somehow fixes anything. It’s been a hard day, I shouldn’t post this. So, I’m sorry. Good luck.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I completely appreciate your sentiments and realise that mine may have seemed saccharine. It was surely not my intent.

        I absolutely cannot fix your childhood, nor your relationships or the world.

        I am not either suggesting that the world is anything but pointless. No one can ever know that.

        I am merely saying, in an imperfect way I can only apologise for, that you are not alone.

        Because you aren’t.

        This isn’t about wishy-washy declarations or motivational posters.

        But then, perhaps the words I write can never sound like more than empty thoughts, void of meaning.

        Either way, I tried to kill myself for very similar reasons to you and I managed to turn it around for me.

        I just want to help others.

        I’m sorry you had a hard day.

        Like

  14. when it come to the battle within our self, it felt that everything is wrong, even you do it the right way, deep down, it still felt something not right. having friends that we can share our thought or have been through the same thing might be a help. but I think we have to find peace within our self.

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  15. I am gay and a Christian and that is the context I was in when reading this. I also believe that sex is designed to be between a man and a woman within marriage. It puts me in a strange place, but frankly no stranger place than any other creature roaming this earth. We are all dependent little creatures that cannot understand or unravel ourselves. The self is a dark, gaping maw and we cannot fathom it. We seek transcendence and all we get are occasional glimpses of clarity and then we fall back down into the same self.
    I guess I’d say, if you want to be free from all anxiety misery and woe, chances are that you will not be able to Find your own solution; you won’t know where to stand. But God wants to hear your prayers and your dependence on him, not because he likes controlling you, but because you were built to live with him as your father, to let him walk with you daily and be the one to reply to blog posts like this. He wants you to tell him everything you’ve ever hated about him and about yourself so he can say,”that’s me, that’s not you, but let me show you.”
    Community is exceedingly important and I am glad you have some measure of it here. But prayer is also important; as important as knowing yourself. It’s the only real way to bring light into the dark places.

    Like

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